Dance camp.

The girls have been looking forward to it for a week or so and to be honest, I have as well…pink images in my head of them twirling in tutus side by side. Monday went surprisingly well. By “well” I mean they went. They did the craft. They ate the snack. They didn’t cry.

The teacher told me there was a glitch on Tuesday, with an incident in the middle of class where one twin didn’t want to let go of her sisters’ hand, so by Wednesday morning, I got the “I don’t want to wear a tutu” speech. When I asked her what she would like to do, she said nothing, only made a motion with her hands, as if holding an imaginary baseball bat. So that left little miss thing on her own, to navigate through the rest of the week, sister-less.

It didn’t phase her much. She came down the stairs every morning this week, tutu in hand. Aside from the multiple hugs and kisses she asked for before I dropped her off each morning, she willingly walked into her class and remained there without tears.

One thing she hasn’t done all week, however, is actually dance. She simply stood in class (or sat, at times), interested but disengaged. I found myself to be slightly irritated by this. What’s the big deal? Why won’t she just have fun and be a kid? Why so serious? I wondered how the recital would go at the end of the week with parents watching. I fully expected her to find us in the audience and walk directly to us, refusing to remain in the spotlight. I was prepared for that.

Instead, she simply did that which she had done all week. She stood there. I think in some way, she believed she was performing, showing us what she has been doing at dance camp. But while watching her stand there in the midst of twirling girls in tutus, I found myself to be overcome with compassion for this small brunette, standing with purpose, focused intently on those dancing around her, determined to be there in the midst of the dancers but just as determined not to dance. I know how much she truly enjoys being there. I know how much she loves to dance. What I don’t understand is what causes one girl to dance while the other stands motionless, paralyzed with uncertainty?

The mommy in me dismisses her behavior as shyness or maybe even stubbornness. But watching her today, I think I saw her. Really saw her. Not as my daughter, but as a person. A girl. And I could relate with her. In fact, I saw myself in her. And I felt the feelings with her…of wanting to be a part of something, maybe even thinking I am a part. But of not fully experiencing the fullness of the dance because of fear or anxiety or expectations. But I saw her courage to continue to stand in the midst of her fear.

And for different reasons than I thought I would be, I was proud.

I love movies. Whether its a new release in the theater or an old favorite on DVD, I enjoy a good movie. It should come as no surprise, then, that I have been wanting to have a movie night with our girls for quite some time now. And I don’t mean Dora or Calliou or any other show that comes on Nickelodeon or PBS. I mean a real movie.

So far, not so good.

It all began last Friday night when I was trying to think of a movie we could watch together that wouldn’t be too scary, but would last longer than 15 minutes. The Little Mermaid? No, the octopus lady is too big and has slanty eyebrows. (They know slanty eyebrows=mean). Besides, my girls are skittish during the 30 minute Ariel cartoon that comes on TV. The Lion King? No way. Lion daddy dies. Mean hyenas. Snow White? Sketch old lady in a hooded cape. Bambi? Yeah, you get my point.

I finally settled on Beauty and the Beast. I figured that, though the beast is scary, maybe the fact that he ends up being good in the end would make up for it. So I headed to Blockbuster, twins in tow, to pick out the movie to watch that very night. We walked straight to the Kids/Family aisle…the girls immediately began to talk at once. “Mommy! Let’s buy this one! No, this one!” (as one of them dropped Dora in France for Dora at the Beach). Have I mentioned I want to watch a m-o-v-i-e? Have I mentioned we have 893 Dora’s on DVD at our house?

I ignored their requests and continued to search for the “b”s…only to discover that Beauty and the Beast was not on the shelf. It wasn’t just checked out either. Out of stock, the lady told me. So as we drove home that night (with Miss Spider and Strawberry Shortcake), I became determined to find this movie to watch with my girls. I checked Target, Wal-Mart, even online. It began to be clear to me that ole’ Disney has pulled a fast one and locked the vault on the sale of this movie.

But even Disney can’t control eBay.

That’s right. I got it on eBay for pretty much the price I’d pay for it in the store. But its coming from Malaysia.

I really hope its in English. I’ll keep you posted.