The split-level house smelled of cigarette smoke, Chanel No. 5 and burnt cinnamon rolls. It was the home where my grandparents lived. Familiar. Comfortable. It was the house where I had celebrated every Christmas, birthday and fourth of July since I could remember. Predictable. Safe. I was in the bathroom and I didn’t want to come out. It was the summer of 1987.
Standing there that morning, I remember wishing I could crawl under the sink and not come out. Maybe they’ll just leave without me. I can stay here. Under the sink. With Grandma. But I knew that couldn’t happen. Because we were moving…from our small, Indiana town, where I had lived all my life, where my parents had met and gone to high school, where our cousins and aunts and grandparents lived…we were leaving all things right and familiar and heading to Iowa, the land of all things different. One last trip to the bathroom, and it was time to make the 6 hour drive to what would be our new home. I was 11. And I didn’t want to go.
And so began my personal life-long journey of learning to accept change. I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. Not even the worst kind of change, like from divorce or sickness or death. Just regular, life-stage change. It isn’t as scary as it was that day in my grandmother’s bathroom. But it is still definitely not my favorite. I find myself looking at women who are pregnant for the first time or high school seniors or friends who are preparing to move far away and I think about all that is ahead for them…exciting days for sure. But also unknown, unpredictable days. Long days. Lonely days.
I tend to want to avoid the long and lonely, the unknown and unpredictable. I find unhealthy comfort in believing in the illusion that I have control over my future. But the more I live, the more I see that not only do I not have control, but I don’t think I want to. Not really. It’s too much pressure. Because though the days can be lonely and crazy-scary to anticipate, they are also dependent days…days of knowing that I can’t so He must. Days of resting in His provision because that’s all I really can do anyway. And many times, days of waiting for all of those words that I know are true to become true in my experience.
Sometimes I wish character and patience and growth could happen without all the change. So far I haven’t found a successful way to avoid it. But I’ll keep you posted.
A perfectly lovely post.
I can identify.
He really likes to make us stretch and grow, doesn’t He?
Nice post…
I have similar memories of moving from Alaska to Florida and thinking things would never be the same. Even now, I want control over my destiny, my body, my emotions and I have to trust that those things will come in His time, not mine.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane and a look to the future. I love you more and more with each post, my friend.
What a great description of how many women embrace life–disliking change. I too, find it difficult with the changes that happen almost flying under the radar. I guess as long as Christ is always a consistency, He will always be our one constant to rely on.
love the way you write.
what a perfect… right on the nose post! you hit it!
we made a big move when i was going into ninth grade… i too struggled… terribly hard!
my constant… constant battle is learning to let go and let GOD!
I’m going through some growing pains myself right now. Thanks, this was a great post and a good reminder.
I think we all find comfort in the illusion of control. I struggle with fully knowing I’m not in control and still holding onto it like a spoiled child. As if I could do a better job than God.
Such a beautiful post. I never ask for trials, but am always grateful for the way I’m cared for when they do come. I love the quote “If God brings you to it, He’ll take you through it”–very comforting.
Glad you came through alright too
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I’m so glad that God allowed me to be part of your life…even if only for a moment of our journey. And that even now, although seperated by distance, our friendship remains. Remember – He’s big, He loves you and I’m learning that He’s way smarter then me.
What a beautiful post. You truly have a gift for expressing your feelings. This post was such a blessing to me. So reflective of my own life. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for the good reminder Emily!
First, this song is beautiful. You get everything.
I read this post yesterday and forgot to comment. Now, I can’t remember what I was gonna say. How come whenever I think about childhood it always involves Grandma Morland? {ok, and Missy and Shelly} {and Ivy} {and Dorcus and Toby} If people only knew.
Oh, wow! Thanks for being a vessel that God can speak through right to me! Control issues? I got em! Not liking and being scared of change? Yes! Yay! I am so glad I found your blog! I will be back!
Okay, I officially love this blog.
Such a lovely and thoughtful post. I can intimately relate to many of your words…
There is a lot less pressure when we stop trying to figure it all out, and just give in to God’s will. Such a relief!
(My hubby is from Terre Haute . . . were you close by?)
~Heather
Mrs. Jones – We were in Columbus…And since I was 11 when we moved, I have no idea how close it was to Terre Haute. All I know is that Indianapolis was north.
The year 1987 and Iowa….BOTH are very important parts of my life as well. Hmmmmm
What?! What do you mean, Darla? You’re not Darla Atwood, are you? I’ll die. I’ll throw up and die.