If you are a good girl like me, chances are that moving toward others is easy. We will help others, serve others and pray for them, too. But there is a distinct possibility that if they turn it on us, we will move quickly on and deeply inward. We retreat to our comfortable living room behind the wreath-wearing front door of a well-built house with its white picket fence.
I will smile and wave at you from a distance, because who you think I am is infinitely more important than who I really am. Especially when I’m in a funk.
The Bible is filled up and overflowing with people who had to get close in order to be healed: The woman in the crowd. The leper. The blind man. To be healed, they had to be touched. To be touched, they had to be close.
Good girls tend to think we are the exception.
This is so true. Two weeks ago I had a horrific, violent flu. I was sick, weak, and shaking. I couldn’t get out of bed. But I had to – I am caring for our (also sick) nine month old baby on my own. The dishes piled up, the nappies needed washing, and we were out of food. I needed help very very badly, but I didn’t call anyone. I didn’t want them to see my dirty floors or my dirty dishes – the reason I needed help in the first place. I was too proud.
Once I had recovered I realised I hadn’t heard from my friend Kate the whole week. She had been just as sick as I was, and she is also acting as a single mum. I was SO angry at her for not calling me and asking for help. It made me heartsick that she has gone through a week of illness and struggle alone. She hadn’t called me for the same reason I hadn’t called her – we are “good girls” who have it all together all the time.
Some of my lonliest hours are when I have it all together and am so self sufficient that I rarely see anyone. When will I ever learn?
First, I love this post. Beautifully written.
Second, I’m going to have to think about this and get back to you. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationship this week, what is it anyway and how do you form it? Can I come to your house and sit down with you and talk about it? *small grin* Wishes, wishes…
I love the story of the woman in the crowd… It has a special meaning in my life. I also loved this post… thank you for writing it with such authenticity and power…You put into words what has been on my heart over the last 2 years.
I remember at shespeaks pulling your sister aside and having this very conversation with her…and you walking up. You and her hold a special place in my heart after that…
-H
I’ve never thought of it this way. That rings so true in my life. Distance is my friend. I don’t want anyone to know I don’t have it all together when everyone else looks like things are a breeze for them. Hmm. Soul searching hurts.
Oh, my. What authentic words. Could this be a sneak peek from a book that has been accepted by a publisher? How I hope so.
I was in a Bible study yesterday in which we were all talking that we often care more what people think of us than whether our hearts are right with God. The ouchy truth is that, if our hearts are right with God, people may in fact think badly of us. Maybe our blogging community is taking steps to make that a little less true. Would that it could become more true among friends who have access to each other’s physical wreath-covered doors and picket fences.
Heather – It was so dear that day, seeing you in a moment of vulnerable openness. And I wasn’t even part of the conversation! I sure hope we get to see you again.
Southern Gal – Distance has been my friend, too. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I didn’t need people. It has been a relief to discover how wrong that is.
Housewife – I love that story. I love it because it is so familiar. Thank you for sharing it.
Kelly – Come to my house. Today, kay?
Funky Junk – First, love calling you Funky Junk. Second, my theology of Self-Sufficiency in the past has kept me isolated. I have tended to hold my abilities in higher importance than intimacy. As I said before, it is indeed a relief to be moving out of that.
and sweet Richella – I always love to see you around here!
Oh, how I relate to this. It’s a lonely place to be.
You say that good girls tend to think we’re the exception… I feel like you were in the room looking me in the eye and speaking those words. Just this morning a friend listened to me speak of the importance of community. And all the while I’ve been carefully tucking away my heart because I am terrified that if anyone saw it as it really is they would run in the other direction.
How neat and pretty life can seem when trying to live as an exception. How desperately lonely, too.
WOW! Great post and beautifully written! It went straight to my heart! I saw myself in the reflection of your words….. I have allot to think about today.
This one smacked me in the face. So true. Whoa.
I’m right there with Katie – smacked in the face by this one. I am oh so willing to help others but don’t want the attention of having anyone help me; they think I have it together. Little do they know, and that’s my fault.
Lovely post. As always. ALWAYS.
And your photos–there’s something different about them lately. I love them even more. Take some of me and the fellas next week?
Can’t wait to see you! And can’t wait to not see your wall!
wow… like you were whispering in my ear.
beautiful!
having moved to a new town… i see this… feel this.
want to be close… reach out… sometimes think that my shyness is read otherwise.
found last week that when i reached a bit more… well… jumped in…
they go to see me and i saw them a whole lot better up close and personal!
I think not only do I fall into the condundrum of not asking for help because I don’t want anyone to realize the depth of my “junk,” but also I don’t ask because some part of me wants someone else to just “realize” I need them and to reach out to me. I sometimes feel like people care about me but are not that invested in me, and I just keep wishing for someone to reach out.
Of course, I completly get the fact that, whether it’s because I am proud or because I want others to “see” me, either way I’m still left without getting what I could have had if I’d just asked.
And, even as I write this, I’m still saying to myself, “true, but I’m not sure I’m ready to change that yet….” Sigh. Still working.
well put.
and as always, very true.
thanks for the thoughts!
I’m new to reading blogs and have found myself slowly becoming addicted. In their defense, I mostly read home decorating blogs and craft blogs, but I have to say that this is the first time I’ve read something in a blog that actually touched me.
Thank you for sharing something so inspirational.
~Courtney
I’ve been following your blog for a while now, but I don’t believe I’ve ever commented before now…probably because I’ve always felt that I never have anythign worthwhile to add.
But this post really hit home for me. It’s something I’ve recognized in myself, that I need to be more honest, to let people in, to be true to myself. I’ve really been grappling with this.
Dear Emily, always a pang with every post of yours. So many of us were raised as good girls. It’s so easy to retreat. And to be stuck (in a funk). I can’t wait to keep reading and see your Good Girl concept explode. Love you!
So, so true. Relationships from a distance seem so much safer. I’m guilty.
I’ve returned more than a few times today, because the post was hit a nerve, and because I wanted to read the comments.
I feel some guilt as well because I imagine the fall out affected my family . And I have a super hubby who often asked for help on my behalf.
And Beth’s comment about kind of hoping people act first, read my mind ( or emotions ).
Yeah.
but because I’m always the strong one, the one who helps, I don’t think people assume I’m struggling . Ever.
It has taught me that when people say they are fine, I often encourage, or do a small token of kindness, or a big in your face one. Because I can so empathize with the wall.
I remember once when my kids were small, and my husband was away, a migraine turned very scary in the middle of the night, my hands were numb etc. but I couldn’t bring myself to call an ambulance because I’d taken the kids to a corn maize that day and put them to bed and not cleaned up much after. There were dishes in the sink, laundry baskets overflowing in my room , the usual , because I figured rest would make me feel better.
I was okay in the end…. but will never forget how there could have been serious consequences for my vanity and pride.
I’ve had this post up for a while, and keep coming back to it because (like others have said) it’s really resonated with me. It’s so true. I wish I had a more eloquent comment, but it’s really hit me, and I’m speechless!
~~~I will smile and wave at you from a distance, because who you think I am is infinitely more important than who I really am. Especially when I’m in a funk.~~~
And oh the funk I have been in. I read this and wanted to cry as it sums ME up in just a few, short paragraphs. Here is to drawing closer to receive the healing He so eagerly wants to give. Thank you
WOWZA – beautiful and true…excerpt by chance?
Very, very true.
I can relate to this so much!
I have been trying to deal with this in my life this year, I feel like God has put some things in my life this year to show me that the masks need to come down. And maybe that’s why I’m blogging more, too.
I have always dealt with depression in my life, but I have hidden it well. I can put a smile on my face no matter what. Most people don’t even know I deal with depression, most don’t know how severely it truly effects my life.
A silly example of this is when I have called in sick at work. I can’t let myself even sound sick. When I talk to someone on the phone I put on the mask and sound perfectly fine no matter how ill I am.
This fall I had a huge blow to my life. My husband confessed a sin that has been hiding behind our doors for years to our family to our friends. It was such a burden lifted off me. But then I had to learn that when people ask how things are to be honest.
Now my mother is deathly ill and I feel like I have put myself into a new mask. People ask how she is doing but I don’t know if they are really interested so sometimes I say one word sometimes I give them the whole update but feel like I’m numb as I do.
I fight these masks but I can’t seem to remove them. I want someone to care, I want someone to call me and ask how I am, but what will be my answer, I’m not sure. I feel like I’m whining if I tell the truth, but I need someone to be my support.
Sorry this is long, this has been on my heart and you opened a flood gate.
So true…sometimes it is almost “hurtful” when people think you have it all together but inside you just want to “scream” out I don’t!
sandy toe
I’ve been thinking so much about transparency lately. About how when we aren’t seen, really seen, all of us…we do that comparing thing and the funk intensifies because it’s lonely. I’m so thankful for my friends, the ones who have seen the truest version of me and still come around and love me. But I even pull away from them when I’m not doing well in any way…it’s like I’m afraid it will confirm that I’m bad, even though I’m a good girl at heart.
Now I’m rambling. Thank you for this post.
Wow, I love this! I just came across your blog today. What a great place to peruse. Thanks for your honesty.
Heather
this hits home…i was “touched” this week. someone willing to just show up and sit with me in the doctor’s office, in the middle of flu season, no regard for herself. she came two weeks ago, too…in the front door and started cleaning my kitchen, my bathrooms. she saw all my junk. how blessed i am by her and by your words.
Wow! Did this ever hit home…right in the heart. I keep thinking “I’m a ‘good girl’, why do people want to be mean & nasty to me? Why can’t we just peacefully co-exist?” Thank you for the reminder that we must press inward and get *closer* for the healing.
Great post!
ps…So many times I feel I must put out a personal disclaimer for my quirks or for me being “funky” because I think that will cause people to understand me better-and if they still seem as though they could cause hurt I do retreat. Way far away…deep inside.
How beautifully you have taken truth and put it into words…Words that hit me between the eyes leaving me speechless while at the same time setting me free.
Thank you.
I love the post-incredibly thought provoking. As a military wife, I have been on both sides of the coin where I have tried to do it all myself and wound up spent. But I have also tried to ask for help READ BEG FOR HELP to find that those around me were uncomfortable with me being in that role and scattered like I had the plague. Then you find you MUST find new people who you then need to act like you need help so that it begins healthy and HOPEFULLY is there in your time of need