“A mother lives with grief every day of her life. Grief that her baby is growing up and won’t need her anymore. Grief over mistakes. Grief that time can’t be bought back.” -Emory Chance from Mary DeMuth’s novel A Slow Burn
Emory Chance called it grief. Some people call it guilt. I couldn’t sleep the other night because I was thinking of all the ways I could be mothering better. My good mom checklist was full of to-do’s and not one of them was checked off. I have a terrible habit of taking on too much responsibility. And of being a tad dramatic.
Shame rolls ’round and ’round my heart and head every day of my life. I would rather call it guilt because it doesn’t sound as embarrassing, but really I think it goes deeper. Guilt can be a good thing, a God-reminder when things aren’t right and an opportunity to change them. Shame is what happens when we let guilt fester and sink deeper and don’t deal with it. Shame seeps into our skin when we aren’t looking and takes our spirit hostage. And then she sits down heavy and masks herself as us so we can’t tell the difference between the two.
Shame waits until my defenses are down on a sleepless night and then begins to whisper doubt: Maybe you’re not doing enough. Maybe you’re not cut out for this. Maybe you’re messing them up.
And in that place, I have a choice. I can believe the dark suggestions that it is up to me to get it right on my own. Or I can trust that I was made in His image for such a time as this, to parent these He has given, and to receive grace and mercy from His hand.
(This post title is from Alan D. Wright’s book, Shame Off You: Overthrowing the Tyrant Within).
Thank you Emily.
I was pouring my heart out to God last night about this very thing. I needed to hear that.
Such good encouragement. Thank you.
This is a wonderful post, Emily. I long for the opportunity to be a mother, to make the mistakes that I know I will certainly make, to feel inadequate and to try harder, to give all my heart to my child, to my family, and to learn every day to be better in the role God has granted me. None of us are perfect…that’s a given. I can’t wait for the chance to work as hard as I can at being a mom! My husband and I are in the process of adopting. We are playing the waiting game now, but we hope the day is coming soon that we will bring our own precious baby home.
Blessings to you, and have a wonderful weekend.
Paula
Thanks for quoting Miss Emory in your post. I have OFTEN struggled with mommy guilt, particularly at night when I’m mulling over my failures. I’m trying to give that personal-nightly-beating up for Lent, which is harder than it sounds.
I will say God has done some amazing deliverance for me in the form of two very different incidents. One where a friend spoke words of life over a secret mommy fear I had, the other where God asked me to say, “I am a good mother” out loud.
Guilt is a lie of the enemy…that is what I always remind myself of when it starts to attack me.
Thanks I really needed this post!
You could not have written this at a better time. Thank you for your encouragement.
Thanks so much for this reminder. I struggle with worrying…does my son watch too much tv instead of me reading him enough books, etc. There are tons of ways that we could be better mothers but at the end of the day we need to ask ourselves if we show our kids the love that we feel for them. If the answer is yes then I think thats a pretty good start!
Insightful, a good reminder and so well-stated! Thank you for sharing. It’s so very true, and something I struggle with – guilt and trying to parent (or be a good wife, good friend…etc) in my own strength. Still learning what it means and how to do it in Christ!
PS(Love your blog design by the bye). It was my first visit to your blog today, after following a link from Life As I See It.
Have you been hiding in my house, waiting for the perfect time to gently remind me to breathe deeply and put things in perspective? Since I’m guessing your answer is no- then your timing for this post couldn’t be more on the nose.
As they usually are…
Oh Emily I love this. This spoke straight to my shame-hidden heart. Thank you.
Oh I hear you Emily! My dad always says “fatigue makes cowards of us all.” It’s so true isn’t it. Keep on believing what God says about you, you are loved, CHOSEN, called and He will finish what He started. I love you too!
My sister and I were just talking about this yesterday. Guilt and shame are ugly beasts. I’ve been ‘under the weather’ for over 24 hours now and am feeling all kinds of guilt. Guilt that my husband had to make dinner after a 12 hour day of work. Guilt that my 11 and 7 year old are having to fend for themselves and their little sister. It does us no good. We are great moms and are made in his image. I’m over it.
love the title…it drew me in…the words that followed wrapped encouragement like a soft, familiar blanket (like my three-year-old’s that we found behind the sofa) around this weary mother’s heart (wish you could see said three-year-old’s face light up as she robed herself in her beloved.) i just realized how “profound” that wording was: i need to wrap myself in my Beloved!
Thank you for this. “Shame seeps into our skin when we aren’t looking and takes our spirit hostage.” Wow. How true. I’m not a mother… But circumstances beyond my control that took the life of the baby I carried a year ago can still haunt me when I let myself feel that shame. Thanks again for sharing this.
Thank you so much. I needed to read this today. As my girls get older I realize that guilt is often a constant companion. Have I done enough? Have I taught them everything they need to know? Will they make the right decisions? I question, question, question when I just need to trust, trust, trust.
Sweet Emily, I am a grandmother. My children have children of their own, and yet there are still nights I lay sleepless in bed thinking about all the mistakes and all the things I should have done so much better. The truth is, I did do all those things wrong, but the grace the Father has poured into my life and the lives of my children has more than covered them. I have asked my children to forgive me for those failings and they look at me as though they don’t have a clue what I am talking about. Grace…..
I was just mulling this today… realizing anew just how quickly my little people are reaching milestones. It’s an even greater sting than usual, being my husband will be heading to Afghanistan in a couple weeks and will miss an entire year of their lives. I feel the weight of being sole parent and my perfectionism flares up. The guilt, grief, shame threatens to take over. Then I remember that Jesus fathers the “fatherless” and will fill our gaps.
Oh my friend – such words of truth.
.
I often share…”Shame off you, Grace on you” or in needing the truth myself today….shame off me, grace on me…
There are things that I can do to take responsibility for some of my choices, but quite often, I just need to tell the enemy to hit the road.
Love ya for encouraging us all on the journey.
Emily, I was going to highlight a couple of sentences or phrases to tell you sharply they struck me, but then I was highlighting and pasting your entire post into this little comment box here.
I was thinking about (or reading about? I can’t remember…) this idea of how liberating it is when we finally recognize that it is only by grace that we can do this parenting thing. That there’s no way we can do it perfectly, that we will mess things up but that it’s OK because of God’s grace and the whole giant big picture of redemption.
I don’t normally talk grace and redemption openly online, it’s something I struggle with, but you really hit on something that makes sense to me here. So thank you for that.
I’ve told you before, but you and Amber and a few others out there are nudging me slowly and gently to grow (in my faith, my tenuous relationship with Jesus) by holding up a mirror covered with questions scrawled in the fog.
And I’m sure I’m not the only one walking away from these posts of yours with a sharper eye turned on our own hearts.
So thank you.
- elizabeth
Gosh, Emily. What a bundle of wisdom in just a few words. Your specialty, I think, but this post really shines.
I’m doing Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” Bible study. This past week was particularly hard, but one truth really shone through: “Shame is the Enemy’s stamp of approval.” I think you are quite right to make the distinction between guilt and shame. And I really, really appreciate your personification of shame. I’m going to bookmark this post and re-visit it, probably several times.
Thank you for feeling this, for articulating it, and for sharing it. Bless you.
It’s always good be reminded that other mamma’s feel the same way I do. Thanks for the post
I love that image you paired with your thoughts.
Beautiful! So important to be reminded of this! Thanks.
Yikes – we had a rough parent-child day here and my thoughts were on what I could do better – God know exactly what we need to hear, doesn’t He?! Such an encouragement to hear again that these children our His gift to us – and it wasn’t an accident. Thanks Emily!
We are pushing towards the goal of raising another generation for Him. Isn’t it just like Satan to discourage us, to isolate us, to whisper in our ear so that the guilt sinks down deep…The truth sets us free, thank you for being vulnerable and honest.
Next time one of us is awake in the night, let’s remember to lift each other up and to praise Him that made us and put our families together. We know He didn’t make mistake.
I think we all struggle to shrug off the lies Satan would have us believe. Why do we expect to be at once perfect, patient and loving when [in our heads] we know that nobody can achieve this all the time? Thanks for your honest post.
PS: I love that book. Have you read her latest, Thin Places? WOW. WOW. WOW.
I’m soooo glad to know I’m not alone:) Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings…xoxo
hi there! love your blog…your heart and your creativity! i have a quick question..sorry to leave it on this post but i didn’t know where else to ask! i bookmarked your adorable girls’ room awhile ago…knowing we were going to be re-doing our girls’ room as we add 2 more children to our family through adoption. i found some perfect curtain panels to do something like your nets over their beds…what did you use inside the nets? and how did you attach whatever it is to the nets? and then to the ceiling?? thanks!!!
I’m gonna tape this to my forehead. No, I don’t get enough chances to look in the mirror, which is why I never look cute. I will tape it to my fridge so I don’t ever forget your words of wisdom.
And…how did I miss this in my reader? I need a techy helper.
I call it torture … that little voice that reminds you not only of what you are not currently doing, but all the things you’ve done wrong in the past and can’t undo. I’ve found the only cure to be accepting God’s grace and replacing the lies with His Truth. It is a constant process.
Emily, I am so excited … I just signed up for She Speaks… this is my first time going. I also signed up for your seminar. Can’t wait to hear you and all the speakers at the conference. Working on my first book proposal to pitch (God-willing).
Funny how ALL us Mommies think alike. Here’s my post about similar thoughts!!!
http://lifetothet.com/675/some-days
Hope you get a chance to read and connect!!!
Did you see Baby Blues in the Sunday paper this week? They called it “guilt flashes”. Thank Goodness for His grace! Blessings!
I love that — I was made in His image for such a time as this. And I needed to hear it today!
I stumbled upon your blog the other night and saw this entry. It is so nice to read about the life of another young mother. I too find myself feeling that way, more often than I would like.
Thank you for finding the time to share those thoughts and feelings.
Shame comes for me when I see my parents doing something I “cringe” at and realize I’m doing it too and then I start to “worry” about my kids getting it from 2 generations! Thanks for your encouraging words. It comforts me to know we are not alone. Only God can break us free!
Beautiful and just what I needed to hear. Just stumbled upon your blog from your sister’s and know I’ll be reading it often. We have 3 kids 4 and under and my husband’s a children’s pastor. Thanks for your sharing.
This is EXACTLY what I have been struggling with lately. Thank you for putting words to the deep feelings of guilt, remorse, and shame that I feel for all of my shortcomings as a mother (and as a wife, a friend, a daughter…).
Thank you, thank you….
Oh, wretched Mommy Shame! What an evil and yet favorite tool the enemy uses. Thanks for the reminder to shut it out! Enjoy your blog and so pretty too!
Love this!~thanks!
You know, I too battle with guilt of not doing enough, being enough, accomplishing enough on a daily basis.
I tried to talk to my DH about it but he doesn’t understand.
I think God made women differently for a reason. We can use our ‘guit’ to movitvate and spur us on but need to be careful we aren’t overcome and overwhemled with the shame.
Balance and grace!