I had to force myself to cut the tag off the shorts. I don’t buy shorts anymore because I am emotionally allergic to the cellulite. You know. But I bought the shorts because, hello? we live in the South and it is hot with a capital H-O-T down here. So I bought the shorts with every intention of returning them. But then, I realized I needed them one percent more than I hated them.
But the worst part of the shorts? They are two sizes bigger than they were the last time I wore shorts. And I blame it all on the book.
I blame a lot of things on the book – my overwhelming fear of failure, my unpredictable crying fits, my dirty dishes, my lack of motivation to come up with a meal plan. And now, my two-sizes-bigger shorts. I told The Man the other day how the last nine months have been some of the most emotional of my life and it’s no wonder because, you know, the book and all. And he smiled and listened. He didn’t seem surprised at my declaration of emotional hardship and this uncovering of dormant insecurity that has been taking place. After all, my book is all about the hiding, the uncovering, and finally, the rescue. He reminded me of that, in his own way.
And then I started to cry and said maybe I don’t have my ducks in a row enough. Or maybe I’m not praying enough or quiet enough or brave enough or whatever enough. He reminded me that God doesn’t look for lined up ducks, but for the smallest bit of faith, the kind that rolls around with mustard seeds. The kind you can hardly see. Because he takes that kind of faith and does miracles with it so that nobody could look at it and say Oh, well of course she could do that because she has it so together. Have you seen her ducks?! Instead, he does things through and with people so that they will say I never could have done that on my own. I don’t even have any ducks.
This is how the end of this manuscript writing journey is a lot like the beginning. Because at the beginning, I wrote this post. And now, I’m wearing shorts and talking about ducks. This process has been bookended by crazy. Aren’t you thankful for the guest posters that are holding this place together while I am a lunatic person?
Seriously, I have three weeks until it’s due. I will be ready, even though I know all the crazy talk might say a different thing. Even with all of the insecurities that have been smoked out in this process, I am learning to embrace my frail humanity and receive grace as it is offered. Thank you for your part in the extension of that grace with your constant encouragement, prayers, and friendship. Tomorrow I’ll post a sweet poem by a new blog friend Kristina. She’s a twin and her husband is a twin too, so I automatically like her.
I’m so excited for you. Three weeks?
Your book has been nine months in the making and you’re two sizes bigger. Hmm. Sounds like birthing a baby to me.
Southern Gal´s last [type] ..Almost Wordless Wednesday
Oh yes. It has felt that way too!
“Because he takes that kind of faith and does miracles with it so that nobody could look at it and say Oh, well of course she could do that because she has it so together. Have you seen her ducks?! Instead, he does things through and with people so that they will say I never could have done that on my own. I don’t even have any ducks.”
Truth spoken straight to my heart, as usual, friend. Straight to my heart. Thank you.
p.s. I like your crazy, and I like it when you talk about ducks. Because while I don’t see numbers wearing tuxedos, I totally see the ducks waddling around when I read this post. And it makes me smile.
Jo@Mylestones´s last [type] ..But First- Lots of Summer Time – Part 3
thanks Jo. Your words, as always, are such an encouragement.
You can do you it! I think that maybe your new shorts are coming from the same place that my new found desire to wear dresses is coming from. Maybe we’re just getting “older” (said loosely, as I’m only 30!) we just decide that it’s OK to do things that make us a bit uncomfortable. Stretch ourselves. You’re stretching yourself and exposing your heart to write this book. Maybe the shorts are just an extension of that
feeling this for you. you know i know.
and you have such wonderful lunacy. send me some, please? i think it’s time for me to crack up too.
Kelly Langner Sauer´s last [type] ..flat on my back
*sigh* I do know you know. Will you move to my town please?
i love God. i love that he takes all of our weaknesses and makes himself perfectly strong in us. you are a treasure for your readers, emily.
this process of watching you grow and learn during the book writing and watching you bare your heart and soul and all it’s weaknesses has challenged me.
we all hide. we all attempt to cover up our weaknesses. it’s what we do. we constantly try to do this thing called life in our own strength.
and then He gives something (like a book to write) to show us how much we need him.
it’s absolutely beautiful.
i’m with you. i’m definitely not writing a book..but i’ve certainly got my stuff that he sends my way to remind me of my great need for him.
i can’t wait to buy your book.
thanks, Tara. Everything you say is all so true. Thank you for saying it.
I LOVE the craziness – and we all go to that land more than we want to admit. It makes us appreciate the sanity in us. I was just thinking yesterday – how in the world does that girlie maintain a blog AND write a book at the same time with enough words for both….no joke. Now I see. God stretches you thin until you think you are going to snap, but rest assured, He will not break you – only make you more moldable (is that really a word?and it sounds like it has something to do with a fungus!).
Now my shorts story…and I love that you are allergic to cellulite. I finally decided to buy a pair of decent khaki shorts because I live in the middle of Georgia where the humidity ups the already take-your-breath-away heat by about a zillion more degrees. I have looked everywhere for these perfect shorts. If you are a size 0 or 2 or 20 you can find shorts left here, but otherwise forget it. But I finally found them. THE perfect shorts. I tried on 2 different sizes – hung one back (the smaller size of course) after squinting at the numbers to make sure I was holding the correct one – paid for the perfect one and happily went home. I pulled the tags off these perfect ones yesterday morning, and lo and behold they were too tight. Putting on the glasses, I saw that I had put back the Perfect ones and bought the wrong size. So not only am I getting bigger in my old age, I can also no longer see! Oh but wait. I went back to exchange them yesterday afternoon – the perfect shorts in the perfect size? gone gone gone. My quest begins again. Hope this gives you a smile in lunacy land. Hang in there!
I think shorts are part of The Fall. When God made clothes for Adam and Eve after they hid, I guarantee there were no shorts involved. Regardless, you’ve got this, this whole book thing. And you’ve got a huge group of folks with just as much as crazy as you have cheering you on, ready to see this thing in real life.
Kendra @ My First Kitchen´s last [type] ..How to Make Butter
“I don’t even have any ducks”
One of the most beautiful posts you’ve ever written.
I’m two sizes bigger too. But I blame mine on PW’s book.
The Nester´s last [type] ..Debt Free is Beautiful
You were designed for this. Untold numbers of us will be blessed by your words and not give a thought to cellulite or the fact that you sacrificed a smaller shorts size to deliver those words to us. I promise!
God has been schooling me hard on obedience and using our weaknesses, and while I have exponentially benefitted from this current lesson, I now know He meant for me to use it to encourage you, too. He’s given me 3 verses this week: Philippians 4:8, Jeremiah 29.11, and 2 Corinthinans 12:9. Love to you, Emily!
Oops! What I *meant* to say was that we won’t give a thought to the cellulite, but we will be forever grateful for the sacrifices you made, including your shorts size. Remind me to try to be encouraging *after* I’ve had my morning chai. ;~)
ummm. okay, your seester told me all about your book…and girl…i can’t wait to read it.
i think i’m one of “those” people who “needs” to read it. 
xo.
i liked you from hello. Even if you do wear a size negative zero shorts…you tiny twig, you.
emily´s last [type] ..how the end is like the beginning
Emily, I have been a faithful follower for over a year now. I don’t comment often, mostly because His words, through you, hit me at my core being. I am ALWAYS moved by your blog. God brought me here to see that we are human and being the OCD personality that I am…my ducks… will not always be in a row! I need Him. I want Him. And crazy as it is..He wants me?!!
Thank you for being His vessel, sharing your journey, and revealing your heart. You are a treasure to me.
Zeph. 3:17 The Lord your God is with You, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice OVER YOU with his singing.
Amen!
Thea´s last [type] ..The First
If your blog is any indication of what your books will look like – they’re going to be great! I can’t wait to read them!
“I never could have done that on my own. I don’t even have any ducks.” Love that! And I’m going to remember it today. I love following your journey.
Shelly @ Life on the Wild Side´s last [type] ..Road Trip- Part 2 – All this and Jason Castro too-
I agree with Shelly! Love that! I needed to “hear” it, too.
Heathahlee´s last [type] ..Fourth Fireworks
Emily, I am a new follower here, and already I love it. Love this post about not being enough. I feel like that is a re-curring theme in my life. I am constantly humbled. By my kids throwing tantrums in public places. By ministries that have “failed.” By burning dinners nearly every time I attempt to cook.
I read once by Andrew Murray, “Embrace every opportunity to humble yourself or to be humbled.” Isn’t that great . . . and, oh, so hard?
Will say a pray right now for you to embrace the humbled place.
Laura@Life Overseas´s last [type] ..What It Takes to Get to School Only Nine Steps
Oh Emily! You put into words what I feel daily! The outward struggle to “get my ducks in a row” (I actually say that alot) when inside I feel like I don’t really have any ducks…..the feeling that I’m not enough and my hubby reminding me that I don’t have to be. I can rely on the One who is. Thanks for the post……and I’m praying for you.
“I am learning to embrace my frail humanity and receive grace as it is offered.” {Heart} you!
Christi {Jealous Hands}´s last [type] ..our 4th of July weekend
absolutely love the duck analogy. great reminder. sometimes we feel like we have to have it altogether to even come to the Lord, when in fact, if we had it altogether, we wouldn’t need Him at all. i’m a new reader and love this site already. good luck on the last few weeks!
The whole section about having ducks lined up made me both laugh and breathe a sigh of relief that someone else feels the same way. I especially loved the part that said, ” I don’t even have any ducks.” Such a sweet reminder that God is the one in control and He doesn’t need me to be perfect. Praying God provides you with all the strength you need to finish your book.
I still think you are EXCEPTIONAL!!!! No one EXCEPT you could do what God has called you to, my dear friend. Love you lots for doing just that.
Much much love. Traci
PS this post is one of my favs.
“I don’t even have any ducks” but His “ducks” are all mine in Jesus Christ! Eph 1: 3
You have been in my prayers these days, Emily and I hope this cyber hug reaches you! XXXXXXXXXXX
Blessings,
Shilo
I would buy a book you wrote even if it was about ducks (who I’m sorry to say I’m not terribly interested in). The Man gave you great wisdom with his words of encouragement. I struggle daily just to do the ordinary in a way that feels a little bit like having my ducks in a row. Some mornings I feel as though I’ve blown it two minutes after my feet have hit the floor.
I am so thankful He understands our weakness and uses it for His glory.
Praying you will finish well and for strength and grace for the rest of the journey.
Linda´s last [type] ..Impatiens
Hey, Emily! I especially appreciated reading your “duck” post today.
A good reminder, and it made me smile. I love the fact that God can do big things, even when we don’t have any ducks.
I am laughing, and tearing up while I read this post!
Thanks for sharing the humor and for being transparent.
imoomie´s last [type] ..Life in Defiance…
This is a great post, full of great writing, intense emotion, humor, suspense. Your book will be a great book. God has equipped you and opened a door for you. He promises that He will always be there for you. I know its so hard but it really doesn’t have to be. We just have to let go and trust in Him. But I know that’s hard to grasp too in the midst of it all and I know you know this all. This is a great chance to give Him the glory and I so appreciate that you took it.
Michelle´s last [type] ..Thankful Together
And this is why you have a book deal and I don’t:-) I meant to also write that you can stand firm on God’s promises and after I wrote you know this all I meant to write that you wrote it all more beautifully than I above. Anyway, I for one am excited about your new book!
Michelle´s last [type] ..Thankful Together
Bless you, sweet blogging/writing/kindred spirit friend. Like giving birth to a child, giving birth to a book is an amazing and sometimes maddening experience (and yes, you can blame the book with the size of the shorts). Frankly, I don’t think any of us have all of our ducks in a row. Those who appear to are probably a real mess when the lights go out. I tell the Lord every time I sit down to write that I can’t do anything but make ink stains on paper if He doesn’t help me. Thankfully, He isn’t looking for perfect people or I’d be history.
Dayle´s last [type] ..Simple Pleasures
Emily,
You are da bomb diggedy. And I just know your book will be, too!
Kristen
Kristen-Moms Sharpening Moms´s last [type] ..For Those Im-a-Bad-Parent Days
Hi Emily. I love when you get insane because it makes me feel better about myself. And the fact that you are two sizes bigger (which of course means you are almost up to a size 6 now! lol!) makes me adore you all the more. I’ve moved on from shorts to dresses because I am not a fan of the stuffed sausage look. My daughter laughed at me while shopping today because I was so unhappy with my whole self, I was trying to cover my arms, my back, my legs…which means of course I’d have to wear some sort of house coat on a 95 degree day.
Yay for almost being near the end!!! Many blessings ahead for you and all the women and girls who will read your book! What a wonderful relief to know that day is so near!
melissa @ the inspired room´s last [type] ..4 Ways to Get that Easy Breezy Casual Look at Home-
Oh, yeah, I also trying to cover the tummy which I have just acquired. Whatever. Too much to cover with one dress. That is what happens when you are over 40
melissa @ the inspired room´s last [type] ..4 Ways to Get that Easy Breezy Casual Look at Home-
“I hear vague Jesus-whispers in the background: Live the truth you say you believe.”
So you wear the shorts, talk about ducks and listen to Jesus – and He takes you on the greatest adventure of your life! Now, isn’t that the most fun you will ever have?
prayers,
Stacey
stacey´s last [type] ..Mom -amp Me Cook
I do not wear shorts either, skirts all summer long.
I had to buy a pair of shorts last month because we were going to Sesame Place. And, well, lets just say walking around in 90 degree weather all day can cause a sort of chafe only Bermuda shorts can prevent.
Emily…I cannot believe you are so close to the finish line! I don’t doubt this project has been a stirring up and pouring out of your inmost being. That is how our Beloved works….He wounds and heals ….then gives a audience to witness the whole blessed mess! I am proud you trusted Him enough to follow Him through this ….I am not sure I would have that kind of courage.
As far as the shorts and ducks…well those are just the voices of this “world”. They tell us to treasure something that is not at all important in the Kingdom of heaven. My short sizes are all over the map and without a tan these legs are down-right sad…I finally have lost enough to feel good about this mom bod…and I just found out I am pregnant…so I am ashamed to say I struggled with gaining again….but isn’t that a minor price for new life….And isn’t new life what we are all about?
Ducks in a row are for chumps!
keep going… you can do this
will be praying…
“my book is all about the hiding” – you have noticed how fast I’ve gotten that guest post about hiding to you, eh? a’hem. oye.
The hardest things to write about are often the most freeing to our souls… unfortunately, the messy comes out too in those places too… so, we write a little, leak a little messy, write a little more… in the end, we have a beautiful manuscript
Jenny´s last [type] ..Connect Me- Living in a World Without Touch
Sometimes there aren’t even any ducks and God does it anyway – oh my how I love that. Thank you, for sharing the crazy. It’s where we all feel most at home, I think.
Lisa-Jo @thegypsymama´s last [type] ..You may think I’m weird but…
Good post, Emily! I can totally see you, and The Man, in it!
I have been out of town, also playing on a South Carolina island. You’ve been at Hilton Head; we’ve been at Kiawah. Doing a lot of the same kinds of stuff, I imagine. Anyway, I’ve been online very little, and I almost missed this post of yours.
Boy, am I glad I caught up.
You with your ducks not in a row. You have ducks, that’s for sure. God gave you a lot of them. And I’m so grateful that He entrusted you with the task of allowing your ducks and your days and your menu planning to be in disarray while you work on this project of His. Not everyone would do it, you know. Lots and lots of good girls would have said, “No, thanks” to the very idea of upsetting their lives to do something like this. I’m really grateful you said yes.
Your shorts may be two sizes bigger than last year, but I’m guessing your heart is twenty times bigger. And mine is bigger just by virtue of knowing you. I love you.
Richella´s last [type] ..Dog days
May I be LOW LOW LOW so HE’s made HIGHER!
Appreciating your post,
a girl whose ducklings refuse to go in the same general direction much less go in a line.
Steph´s last [type] ..Casual Friday 7910
What a great post!!! I love it! Well I don’t love that you are a little freaked out, but I loved the way you shared it. I was in your brain for sure while I was reading it. Praying for you as you finish up the book. I know it is going to be fabulous!!! Blessings!
Mary Jean´s last [type] ..Be Still Mondays Linky Day
Such truth here Emily. My ducks will never be in a row, but that’s probably the point right?
Kimberly´s last [type] ..I need a vacation from my vacation
I am so late commenting on this post, but I read it on vacation and wanted to comment, but didn’t have time…so I am just returning to it now. And I wanted to come back to tell you that since I started writing every day, book manuscript, blog, etc., several of my pants, ones that fit even just last fall, suddenly don’t fit and are snug and show those yucky panty lines, and I am so, so dismayed over it. And I get bitter and resentment that I have to “give up” one thing (i.e. exercise) in order to pursue another love (writing), and I blame the process and the unfairness of it all. And then I realize that I am part of the process, that I’m allowing the process to unfold that way it’s unfolding, and I’ve let my life get completely out of balance. Still not sure what to do with this, or how to recifify the situation, but just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only who whose clothes don’t fit because of writing and whatnot!
Is this the most rambly comment or what?
Michelle DeRusha @ Graceful´s last [type] ..Lessons from The Hole- Part 1
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and beautiful words. I too am approaching a writing deadline and never seem to have my ducks as lined up as I plan on them being in my head. I needed this reminder. The Bible is packed full of evidence to back up your no ducks theory! I featured this post on my blog today: http://www.snugasabugbaby.com/?p=1194. Thanks again!
LOVE your post…. I always say that I have my ducks in a row, it just doesn’t happen to be a straight row… they are just following along the best they can……
so excited for you. and I love the line, “I don’t even have any ducks.”
I think I’m making it my mantra.
big hug and a shake shake shake of the pompon.
Elizabeth @claritychaos´s last [type] ..Bad Guys