As school starts back and I prepare to begin meeting weekly with my girls small group (now 10th graders!), I’ve been thinking about what it means to love them. I wish I could give a list of guaranteed ways to win the heart of a teenager, because I tend to be a glass-is-half-full type of person and that list is yellow and happy and sure.
But we all know there are no guarantees in matters of the heart. And maybe I have more questions than answers. My girls are only six, but I’ve been a mama long enough to know that six turns into sixteen all too quickly. After nearly 10 years in youth ministry, it seems like the issues are always the same between mamas and daughters, just dressed up in different clothes. It’s true that the Bible says she is to honor you as her mother. But are there ways to encourage that as her natural response rather than an external command?
It may be true that she is being too sensitive and too dramatic. But if you tell her that, it won’t help and it could hurt. I was too sensitive and too dramatic just last week. Or was it this morning? Their stuff may be minuscule in the scope of life, but it is their stuff. To respect her life-stage is to love her.
One of the biggest mistakes I make as a parent or as a small group leader is when I confuse her behavior with her identity. It is so important to encourage girls in their identity as individuals and in Christ rather than try to shame them into better behavior. It may be true that she is acting irresponsibly. But better to call the choice an irresponsible one or the behavior irresponsible rather than to say that she is irresponsible. The goal is to empower, not to shame.
Above all, remember what Love did. Even though he knew they would choose the wrong one, God still put two trees in the Garden. Because a choice with no opportunity for failure isn’t really a choice, is it?
That thought terrifies me. I want to give every opportunity for success. But I want to hang on without suffocating. I want to offer support without being pushy. Is it possible to lead or parent these girls without being motivated by fear?
When she isn’t listening or doesn’t seem to care, she hears more than we know and cares more than we think. She is just learning how to show it. She is asking if she is worth it. And oh, how you know that she is worth it. How you long to tell her so. She needs time, lots of time. She needs eye contact and gentle words and love poured out all over her.
She needs our faith, not our anxiety. She needs our love, not our fear. At the same time, she needs to see our weakness and then, she needs to watch what we do with it. How do you show love to the girls in your life?
The girls in these photos are two beautiful students from the youth group where The Man is a youth pastor.
To my dear dear teenage nieces…I just listen and try not to judge. They need to know that I love them unconditionally…no matter what.
angela´s last [type] ..FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a wonderful post. Especially pertinent to me, as my only daughter turned 13 yesterday!
Sarah at SmallWorld´s last [type] ..Thirteen
Wonderful thoughts! A former HS teacher and youth worker, turned mom of two girls, I can’t agree more with you. And at the same time, I catch myself doing all those things you warned against to my daughters (who are only 6 and 8 — but going on 16!) Sometimes it my own identity that is trapped in the relationship and I need to find myself in Jesus before I can help the girls!
Esther´s last [type] ..Culture Clash
this is such a fantastic post–so much good stuff. and wow, gorgeous girls and gorgeous photos.
separating behavior from identity is so important, and helping girls realize who they are in Christ. i’ve been in youth ministry for over a decade and just stepped away. my daughter is only 2, and it is eye-opening to think of her in some of these ways and of our mother/daughter relationship to come.
more grace, more prayer!
suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter}´s last [type] ..the waning days of summer- some favorites
oh emily. This was just stewing in my mind this morning. I walked gracie to the youth building of our church for the first time last week. She was excited about it and I had such mixed fearful feelings. But I stuck around for awhile and God showed up! He was so present in the music and the leaders. It was a reminder to me that my growing up girl was exactly where she was supposed to be.
amanda´s last [type] ..grandmother
Emily, every single part of this post resonates deeply with me. I so long to empower my girls rather than shame them. For them to honor me “as their natural response rather than an external command.” To respect each of their life-stages. It’s hard. Yes, I also have so many questions… and longings for my relationship with my daughters. So very thankful for God’s mercy. And so very needful of it.
Blessings to you as you begin your new small group year with your high school girls.
Brianna´s last [type] ..True Vigilants
My daughter is a grown-up now. It’s hard to believe it, but she and I made it with our relationship in tact. She’s her own person. It’s her life to live. I had to remember that along the way. I had to let the apron strings slip through my fingers and let her go. It was hard and there were times I thought we’d both lost it all. I think that in the end…even with the mistakes that we all make (and no one gets out of this without making mistakes)…Love always wins.
Deidra, you are a beautiful mentor for us gals who walk behind you in parenting seasons. I love you for all you do to encourage!
Emily, you are wise in your counsel.
Deidra, your words reflect what I feel happened in my relationship with my daughter. She has a daughter of her own now. Oh, yes, “Love always wins.”
Southern Gal´s last [type] ..Last of Summer
Southern Gal – I’m smiling…
Kristen-
I love you right back, girlfriend!
Thank you for such wonderful encouragement! My daughter is on the brink of adolescence-she’ll be 12 next month. And I have been praying for years about how to love her through these next few years. I’ve also prayed about how to enjoy her and this time we have while she’s still at home. So many moms and daughters suffer through just to survive, but I want to enjoy this time and grow alongside my girl. Teenage girls can be so much fun to be around. It doesn’t have to be misery for both of us. She is a great kid, and I want to be a great mom for her!
Elizabeth´s last [type] ..A Recipe Post
Great post!!! As a daughter who learned her identity through shame and as a mom of 6 girls, ages from 25-7, I have been on both sides of the street and both sides of raising and dealing with my girls…I still bounce back into the negative side, but much less and stay there for a much shorter time….I have seen the fruit of raising my girls from both sides….Grace wins–every time!!!!
Try to be as real as I can, gracious, and forgiving. One thing I’ve learned is to say “I’m sorry” to my kids. It’s so powerful.
Love this beautiful post, Emily. Love you!
I’m almost finished with my Balcony Girls ebook!
Yay!
Sandy´s last [type] ..Taco Meat & Bush’s Beans- Cooking for a Crowd!
Emily, every Mama of girls should read this! I’m printing this one out so I can come back to it again and again.
Thank you so much!
Just the advice and encouragement I needed today! Thanks! I’m off to love on my girl!
emily. these are wise words. I’ll be thinking about this for a while…
“It is so important to encourage girls in their identity as individuals and in Christ rather than try to shame them into better behavior.”
I have a 14 year old. We get along really well. for the most part. She wants to please me still. I can abuse that by shaming her. Even though my intentions to raise a daughter who makes responsible decisions, who has good life skills–doesn’t mean forcing good behavior will yield those results. Heart growth comes through love, and acceptance and truth. The gifts God gives to me–I need to faithfully give to her.
As a youth leader, when I would have the luxury of stepping back, I could see this. Somehow, when I get a more narrow focus on my own child, the lines get blurry and I cross them easily. Aaah, thank God through His grace He will hold her close to Him.
Thanks so much for this today, emily.
dawn´s last [type] ..Its all about me
I agree so much, Dawn. It is a bit easier to talk about from the youth leader perspective. Not so easy when I feel responsible as the parent. What a lot I have to learn about trusting, that’s for sure.
I needed this post so much more than you could know today. Thank you so much.
Tricia´s last [type] ..Ingrid Michaelson – Everybody
My daughter is almost 10 months old and sometimes I am terrified of the type of mother I will be. I know how I want to be. I want to be loving, kind, the person she always wants to come to. I know I want to be able to listen and really hear her. My mother could be those things and then other time she could be critical and vindictive. Our relationship is definitely a roller coaster, we have very high highs and very low lows. We are at a low point at the moment, but I know she has some negatives in her life that spin her out of control. I don’t want to be that way with my daughter.
Thanks for this. It serves as a reminder that we can be the parents/people we want to be so long as we take the time for patience, grace and to really listen.
Adrianne´s last [type] ..Don’t Get Electrocuted! – Renovating our Kitchen- DIY Edition
Thank you, Emily…as a former youth minister I could see these things much more clearly when I was single and a youth minister…now I have to catch myself sometimes…with my brand new beautiful teenage daughter of my heart and my young boys. I am going to work on applying the advise you share here with them as well…especially my moody and sensitive 7 yr old son.
You blessed me again today!
Mary Joy @Seeds of Encouragement Sewn with Grace´s last [type] ..Operation Beautiful Drawing Winner AND my personal challenge to YOU!
I have no daughters. I have seventy-five daughters. Teaching middle schoolers is so much more than maps and facts and high-level questions. It’s pouring out EVERY day for so many. Thank you for your post – a reminder of how important my girls are to me.
kendal´s last [type] ..neighbors
this is a particularly beautiful and helpful post, friend! it helps me immensely when i think of related with the young women i know in student ministry, as well as some of my friends who sometimes act like teenage girls.
and…myself…when i sometimes act like a teenage girl. oh dear.
The adults who loved me the most through those angsty years are the very ones who understood that my “little” crushes were monumental and that feeling overwhelmed by extracurriculars was Big-Time stress. They poured love, they had high hopes.
Your two girls are just all kinds of lovely. I can’t imagine the ways they bless your socks off.
Flower Patch Farmgirl´s last [type] ..For You- Me- and Everyone We Know or at least- for me
You are a true gift to this world…I thank God that your voice can be heard by so many…Your full of wisdom and grace…:)
Stop in and see a client’s home I am designing…Simple design, which I know you love! Hugs, Meme
BTW, can you write one about teen boys…lol
Hugs…
Screaming Meme´s last [type] ..KKs 1st Annual Kupkake Kook Off!
So, so very timely. My mom and I were just last night shaking our heads over the current behavior of my 14-year-old niece. I found myself thinking with fear and dread of the teen years to come for my 6-year old daughter. Thank you for reminding me that the behavior does not define and encouraging me to embrace the time with my girl. How easy it is for me to brush aside her seemingly trivial “stuff” when I SHOULD remember how very important that “stuff” was to me at that age.
Naomi´s last [type] ..A Deluge and Kings Island Baby!
It’s hard, isn’t it? To remember the pain and difficulties? But every heart knows her own pain, and I would do well to remember that.
emily´s last [type] ..on loving those teenage girls
such beautiful girls. what a calling, friend. pouring into the hearts of these lovely ladies. He will grow those seeds of faith. He will.
Hi Emily! Thank you SO MUCH for writing your sweet comments in the new DaySpring catalog!!! AND I just saw your comment on (in)courage about my Crown of Beauty art print in your daughters’ bedroom. MERCI BEAUCOUP!!!!!!!
jeanne @ inspiring ideas´s last [type] ..Back To School – the Countdown
Emily — i love this post. love the photos. love the words. love the message about being careful not to confuse behavior with identity. i love it as a mother. i love it as a wife, a friend, a sister. i love it as a christian.
Every mother’s journey is her own, and each child is so unique. I think it’s a definite mix of trial and error, but above all (I can say this now that mine is 24), loving unconditionally, and separating behavior from the person, trumps everything else. In raising mine, I tried to remember just how unconditionally I was loved by my parents, even when I broke their hearts, and I always told my daughter, growing up, that while I may not always like her choices, I would always love her. Nothing could ever change that.
Your girls (all of them) are blessed to have someone in their lives who really cares.
Dayle´s last [type] ..Monday Musings On Aging
Hubby and I are in the midst of our first coaching job- together. We’re coaching HS girl’s volleyball. It’s a hard balance between the pushing, the motivating, the teaching and the encouraging. Thanks for the reminder that they’re growing, learning, reflecting and taking in oh-so much.
Thank you for this reminder of the difference in behavior and identity. Blessings to you.
Could not be more timely. I will be printing these up and reading them every day.
Oldest turns 11 in one month.
3 more not too far behind.
I need all the encouragement I can get!
Thanks!
stacey´s last [type] ..Multitude Monday
Just the words I needed to hear as I prepare to teach 1st graders in Sunday School after a 20 year break… I will remember your words in dealing with the little girls AND the little boys.
Kim´s last [type] ..Thick or Thin
I read your blog and love, love, loved it. What resonated most was the truth about knowing wrong decisions would be made in the Garden and still God put both trees there anyway. So I quoted and linked to your blog…I had to spread that little pearl of wisdom. Some of the best lessons are learned by making the wrong decisions. It is the plan to redeem those decisions that is pure brilliance. Thank you for your post today.
I am still learning.. . .
I try to tell my daughters, often, that I love them, I am here for them, to listen to the smallest concern, or the biggest fear. If they can tell me, then we can carry it, work through it and pray about it–together. I pray for them so much, and even more as school approaches. The culture of Jr. High is so foreign to me, and they have to live it. They are such bright lights, and I am so thankful and so amazed at the work God is doing in them and through them. I know it is not my doing, but His!
Holly´s last [type] ..A Prayer
We have three little girls (5,4, and 5mo), but this is already on my mind.
Beautifully written and may we be tender when are girls are at that stage. I think I will keep this post to remind me.
YES! This is perfect…
Thank you so much for this! Lately, I have really felt led to serve with our high school girls at our church and this was very encouraging!
Brittany´s last [type] ..Walking in Love
this is wise and beautiful.
Blessings on your small group, Emily! My daughters were so influenced by their small group leaders and I am eternally grateful.
Fondly,
Glenda
Glenda Childers´s last [type] ..A PERFECT SUMMER DESSERT
As the mom of a tenth grade daughter, I couldn’t agree more. The best prayer I ever prayed for my kids (a son and a daughter), and the one that helped turn my fears to faith was this, “Apprehend their hearts, Lord.” When my kids became teens I saw a noticeable difference in their outlook on life and relationship with me. We were on dangerous ground, far beyond my ability to handle. That prayer soothed my fears and God answered big time.
This daughter-raising is a delicate endeavor, but not one to be feared. Love covers all- all of our mistakes, all of our insensitivity, all of our ignorance. Thank God for beautiful daughters!
Bonita´s last [type] ..My Beefs About Platform
Emily, what a fantastic post. beautiful on so many levels. i have two daughters, had the opportunity to lead youth small groups for years, and am currently mentoring college girls on internships in my home here in Thailand. and the heart of a girl is a deep well. a deeply beautiful and intricate and emotional one, at that. i loved your insight into the timing of the words we give the younger girls in our lives. what we say may be the “perfect answer” but oftentimes, they’re just not at the place to hear it. i think having the wisdom as a mom/leader to know the when of the word of wisdom is about as crucial as the word itself.
have i said that i loved this post already? well, i really really do.
have fun with your sophomores!
Laura@life overseas´s last [type] ..Monday’s Question Beauty Right There
exactly the reminder my heart needed as I’m muddling my way through the delicate emotions of a 12 year old, soon to be 13 in “exactly 45 days, mom!” =)
thank you for re focusing my gaze to GRACE.
i’d like to link this on my site, if you don’t mind.
i promise i’ll do it the right way this time.
blessings to you, Emily.
amber.
Oh, Emily, how I wish I had known someone like you when I was a teenage girl.
I was raised in a church with some wonderful, dedicated people–and some rigid, inflexible customs and traditions. I was taught to be ashamed of myself, to work hard and then harder and harder to gain approval, to toe the line or I wouldn’t be loved. And I was very good learner.
So now God and my husband are trying to teach me new things, but I still struggle with needing to un-learn a lot. I am grateful that there are mothers like you out there, raising their daughters with patience and grace. And I’m grateful there are small group leaders like you, mentoring their students with patience and grace. And I’m grateful there are writers like you out there, calling of us to live life with patience and grace.
Thank you for all you are.
Richella´s last [type] ..Moments to remember
I now have a 13 year old (as of August 28th) GASP!!!! this post was amazing. I just found your blog this morning and really have enjoyed reading through it.
Kelly´s last [type] ..Summer Memories with Friends!
This was a really great post and so much truth in it. I am also the wife of a youth pastor. We as adults easily forget how real the “drama” was to us in our own lives. For that reason, I still refer to a journal I kept during my middle school/high school days. When I start forgetting, all I have to do is read my very own words.
“One of the biggest mistakes I make as a parent or as a small group leader is when I confuse her behavior with her identity.” Wow, what truth in one statement. How much we would lighten our load as parents if we realize this. Because if we take it one step further don’t we also assume our child’s behavior with our own identity, allowing it to mark whether we are failing or succeeding as parents. Sometimes this alone can make us go overboard in how we deal with situations.
One of the best ministries that we do is have to have regular girls nights. We listen and care among pillows and pizza and I find myself always surprised how much they will share and even “ask” for advice if you only provide the opportunity for them to do so.
ohmygosh… i think you are speaking directly to me. my daughter is the youngest. i’m so afraid we’ve just toted her along, drug her to everything the BOYS did, and now that she’s doing, i’m busy running after everyone and not sitting and being with her. i guess that’s what i’m NOT doing, rather than what i’m doing.
i need to be doing more, for sure.
“to respect her life stage is to love her.”
i love that.
patty´s last [type] ..The heart of a Man
Oh how you’ve made me miss the teenage girls in my life! I’ve been ministering to teenage girls since I was in college (can’t imagine what I had to offer them back then!) and absolutely love it. They teach me things that no book or lecture or conference can teach me about parenting…and about myself. I think the best way to love them is to just be with them…right where they are and as they are. And then, like you, speak the truth of who they are as children of God…remind them of their true identity.
Love your photos. What beautiful children of God! xo…Linsey
I was just talking to God about my girl last night. She’s three going on thirteen going on thirty. Thank you for this. Oh, how I needed it just now.
Kelly Langner Sauer´s last [type] ..about that opening of the mouth and speaking of the words thing…
they are exquisite… and your approach is magnficent
What a beautiful and truth-filled post! …just wish I’d read it…Yesterday!
Just one question~What do we do when the wrong tree IS chosen?
…Trying to parent with LOVE and NOT fear, but it isn’t always easy.
Mrs.B´s last [type] ..THANK YOU
Oh boy. I didn’t know how much I needed these words. I have one girl and she is plenty. Complicated and moody, dramatic and deep. When she struggles {and she often does}, I struggle. It’s hard when there’s seemingly a disconnect between what comes out of my mouth and what’s nestled deep in my heart. The mother-daughter bond can be such a tangled web of fierce love and protection and tension…and yes, drama. I need all the help I can get.
These are wise words you’ve got here, words that have given me gentle wisdom and guidance on this mystery of being mama to a girl. I think you may be ahead of your time. Your girls are still young yet you understand the girl thing so very well. Maybe it’s all those years of youth ministry. {The pictures are stunning too.}
The Scooper´s last [type] ..All Systems Go A Series- So Whats For Dinner
Thank you for blessing me with this. My daughter just turned 11 and I know the teenage years will come way too fast before I know it. Or did it already come when I wasn’t paying attention?
Emily, Your words are so true. I have an almost 14 yr. old daughter and we have been through so much the last 2 years trying to find healthy ways to relate to each other. Things are NOT perfect now by any means, but I’ve learned the hard way to quit taking things personally, to realize she very often does not mean what she says and she needs me to be calm and stable even as she goes all over the place. It’s made such a difference when Mom began to figure this out. ;0)
By the way, met you very briefly at She Speaks … and loved your workshop!
Melinda´s last [type] ..Bracing for Changes
Just exactly what I needed to read today! My sweet girl started middle school 3 weeks ago… and this week was calling home by 9am two days in a row to come home. The transition is stressing her out! I am doing my best to love and encourage her. Thanks for the perspective and great reminders! Blessings!
Terri´s last [type] ..Sneaky Veggie Pasta Sauce
This is insightful, truthful and a gentle reminder all rolled up into one.
I am a mother of precious teen girls trying to lovingly negotiate the ebb and flow of this season we are in.
Thanks!
This post is precious. So glad I found your blog. You’re a beautiful writer with a beautiful heart from the Lord. I hope to be a small group leader for some girls at my church soon, too!
Michaela´s last [type] ..I’m Dreaming of…
This is such a great little post! I lead a group of 10th grade girls as well, and this post was just reassuring in how we had to handle a situation in which one of the girls made an irresponsible choice, but SHE is not irresponsible. I’m glad you worded that so well for me to be reminded.
Thank you! I’ll be back on your blog I’m sure to read more wisdom about leading these girls toward the Lord!
Oral sex is generally a safe option during pregnancy, especially if other types become uncomfortable. This eMedTV article takes a look at oral sex during
Beautiful, powerful words. The best advice I got from another Mom of teenagers. “I need to be the kind of Mom my KIDS need me to be.” (not the one I want and crave to be). It stops me many times from saying or doing it my way…not what they need.
I’m new to your blog and read your post for today and then saw the link to this post. I’m so glad I read this. I’ve recently gotten married and joined my husband in youth ministry. I was just saying to him last night that I feel I’m always telling the girls “no, don’t do that” or wishing that they would “grow up”
I really enjoyed reading this post because it caused me to look at loving them differently. I want them to grow-up into a christian young lady, to learn their identity in Christ and not be shamed into doing the right thing but be directed toward the right choices. – I hope what I’ve said here makes sense, My heart is so full about how I need to change so I can show God’s love toward our girls. Thank you for this.