I’d known her for years, even though it was from a bit of a distance. She was a friend of the family and also one of my doctors when I was pregnant with all three of my kids. During my appointments she would ask me how the kids were, using their names and knowing the details. I always really liked her.
She moved away but came back to visit several years later. One Sunday morning at church, I saw her from a distance and eagerly went to say hello. She looked at me with a smile, polite and generic, and kindly asked me what my name was. I could feel the red rising as I quickly told her and found a reason to walk away. As it turns out, without my charts hanging outside the exam room, she didn’t even know me. I knew I should understand, I knew I should be sensitive to the fact that she knows a lot of people and she surely can’t remember us all.
But this felt different. I began to rehearse all the reasons why I was justified in my hurt. She knows our family. She was my doctor during life-changing, monumental times! Of course, they were only life-changing for me. To her, I was one of a steady stream of women with whom she interacted day after day. And so then I begin calling myself names like stupid and foolish for thinking she would remember me.
But grace whispers upside down things, things of heaven and holy and love. Grace means reminding her of my name even though I think she should know it. It is refraining from holding her hostage to my expectations. It is refusing to silently list all the reasons why she should remember me. It is welcoming her home again and being filled with compassion towards her. It is considering all the things she has on her mind, all the people clamoring for her attention, all the ways she is probably overwhelmed. And finally, grace nudges me to remain open and free towards people, even if it means I might get hurt.
I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to finish.
It wasn’t a doctor or friend who hurt me, it was my mother and father.
We had a falling out (which honestly I cannot explain why) 5 years ago.
They have missed 2 graduations, a wedding, and countless
memories in between. They have missed my baby grow and grow
and now he is taller than his dad and me.
When you said “I began to rehearse all the reasons why I was justified in my hurt.”
it felt like Me in the last five years. I’ve tried to reach out, to no avail. So I keep justifying
the hurt. I have forgiven them in the sense that I have given it to God. I no
longer wish to punish them myself. But other than that I am lost.
I know that even if I do all the right things that there is a chance I’ll never
have a relationship with them again anyway.
I guess I just don’t know what to do with my feelings. What is right to feel? What is wrong?
Believe me.. I have prayed, I have prayed, I have prayed.
Thanks for the wise words. I will work on not feeling justified.
Grace when it stings is one I’m not particularly good at. I try to remember that I’ve probably done more than my fair share of stinging, however unintentional, and try to remember that intent matters most.
but, wow. this is a tough one.
and fresh.
When we pray for grace – are we given grace? or simply given opportunities to practice it?
darcy @ m3b´s last [type] ..When natural light won’t cut it Day 19
“It is considering all the things she has on her mind, all the people clamoring for her attention, all the ways she is probably overwhelmed. And finally, grace nudges me to remain open and free towards people, even if it means I might get hurt.”
Yes that is it. It is keeping in mind all that could be going on in her life and head that we don’t see and NOT holding her hostage for it. I was on the receiving end of, shall we say, a lack of this grace. I let it keep me hostage for a ridiculous amount of time. Praise Jesus that he showed me that HIS Grace is the only grace I truly need.
From here on out I choose to extend the grace you spoke of above to those around me from distant friends who have turned their backs to even my children here in my home.
I am so glad you decided to write on grace for a whole month…. continue it next month??? please??? I am enjoying this series!!!
Sharon´s last [type] ..Happy Saturday!
I struggle most with the remaining open and free part. Thank you for including that last sentence. It’s important, too-being available despite past hurts or rejection.
ellen´s last [type] ..on creativity and rules and a bunch of other stuff
Grace whispers upside down things?! Yes it does, friend. Beautiful.
Ouch! I’ve been on both sides of this one!
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Thanks…that is so true. It makes it hard to open yourself up to others for fear of being rejected or embarrased or hurt. But grace….grace
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That inner voice that is the opposite of grace that says things like stupid and foolish — I hear him too. Grace will rarely speak louder than he does. We must often choose to hear Grace whisper through the noise of all the other voices.
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Thanks for that. How’d you know I needed to hear those words today? I got my feelings heart right off the bat this morning. Your post helped me put things in perspective. Thanks again.
Love this: Grace is…refraining from holding someone hostage to my expectations. so true. on so many levels. Thank you for this. Am writing it in my journal…it’s s trap I’ve fallen into so often it’s a rut. Thankful for solid change-reminders!
*Blessings*
“It is refraining from holding her hostage to my expectations. ” Wow, it’s difficult sometimes. And, especially when the my expectation is even greater when she’s a Christian. Does anyone else do that, too?
But, chin up. I’ll keep repeating that “I don’t know all that’s going on in her life. Or, things on her mind.” And, I’ll try to continue to be…open to her. But, it’s not just me who can be hurt. And, I do find myself realizing that I’ll be just a little more protective next time. I’m a little more guarded now – less open to disappointment that I think is more likely.
And, protective means walls. Or, at least hedges. And, that’s sad. But, while not offering her any additional chances to step up and bring joy, it also means that those I love won’t be crushed by disappointment either.
So far, offering grace and new chances has just brought pain to the innocent. I’ll have to find ways to offer grace and new chances where only I can be the one hit by shrapnel.
I dunno. I’ll continue to pray about it.
But, thanks for the post and the insight, Emily.
DanaMc´s last [type] ..Pondering Christmas in the Kitchen – and Under the Tree
oh, Emily,
convicted on both sides of this.
the worst example of this is when my next door neighbour best friend died and I had these expectations of what I thought my friends and family should do and say. ( to and for me ) very very few of which came to pass. partly because I think we live in a “move on get over it society ” and an afraid to talk about it culture, but still….
( and as someone tipping the getting older scales .. I find the forgetting the face with the context thing happening more and more and it’s terrifying and embarrassing. I’m only 47 … it’s a sobering thing really. )
Oooh… “holding her hostage to my expectations.” I soooo do that. What a great way to phrase it; holding someone hostage is not graceful. I mean, duh, but it’s not. I’ve never had those tendencies put into that kind of word picture before. Good good stuff.
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That sentence tugged right at me too.
This post means more to me TODAY than you can imagine. Your timing… and God’s… is impeccable. Thank you.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for pushing us towards grace.
Kate @ Songs Kate Sang´s last [type] ..Lisa Leonard Giveaway
The times I am least graceful are the times I am hurt or feel defensive toward people I put my huge know me and be nice to me expectations on. This one is hard. I’m going to try though.
I felt myself standing there with you, feeling small. I wish she could have smiled differently, or apologized that she had forgotten your name but that your face was familiar. See? you are much better at grace than I.
Dana
this is beautiful and so true!
misty´s last [type] ..art
I reworded this section to let myself be filled with God’s grace so I can show grace towards my own family too and the people I have experienced this same scenario with…and to have grace for myself
“Grace means gently reminding even though I think they should know… refraining from holding them hostage to my expectations… refusing to silently list all the reasons… welcoming again and being filled with compassion towards them… considering all the things they have on their minds, all the people clamoring for their attention, all the ways they’re probably overwhelmed. And finally, grace nudges me to remain open and free towards people, even if it means I might get hurt.”
“It is refraining from holding her hostage to my expectations”
I love this… it is such a great way to express Grace
“I could feel the red rising as I quickly told her and found a reason to walk away.” Written so well I feel like I was there.
I have been there.
Why do I think the world revolves around me?
Why don’t I just pay attention – and revolve around God?
I get it Emily. Thank you.
And I big sweet ginger-bready heart these words “…grace whispers upside down things, things of heaven and holy and love”
Those are little sprinkles of heaven-speak.
We get our feelings so easily hurt – and how often must we hurt others’ feelings as well – if we could all just look past our own feelings to extend grace to someone who probably has feelings herself.
Thanks, Emily. I am blessed to be reading about, and trying to live, grace every day.
I think we can all understand those emotions. We’ve had all of them in various situations. It’s hard to feel grace for someone else when we want so badly to justify our hurts. I think it’s very divine when God intercedes and helps us find grace for that person and grace for ourselves. There is definitley no reason to call yourself names. It was probaly more embarrassment than anything. LOL. Beautiful post.
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A hostage to expectations. So perfectly said. I’ve held people hostage…and I’ve been held hostage. Neither side is a place of freedom, is it?
Scooper´s last [type] ..Love Em For Who They Are
Looks like we ALL needed this one…
Thanks!
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Hi there, I keep getting a 404 blank page and I was hoping to find out if it’s just me or if it’s on your servers end and what can be done? It’s kinda discouraging to be shut out.