This photo has harsh backlight and it’s a little blue-blurry. But it captures everything I hoped it would when I snapped it. And more. That’s Gary there to the right, with the red bandana. He’s holding Sandra’s hand. Their daughter is there, her head on her mom’s shoulder and that’s their son in plaid on the other side.
Gary and Sandra have been married for 25 years. A few weeks ago, they renewed their wedding vows in her parent’s backyard in front of a small group of friends and family. During the prayer, those of us gathered there to re-witness their promise to one another held up hands of blessing toward them as they bowed their heads.
When you’ve been married for 25 years and still want to renew your vows, you know what grace is. You may not be able to put it in a sentence, but you’ve lived it. You have to.
I’ve only been married 9 years, so to write about marriage after so short a time feels a wee bit naive. My parents have been married 37 years. My in-laws, 49. So many years. So much love. So much hurt. So much forgiveness. And there is so much to say about what grace is in marriage, how showing it makes all the difference, how receiving it can change the world. But I think I can sum it up in one sentence, one thought, one solitary take-away:
You married a person.
So many of our troubles and disappointments can be traced back to the fact that I expect my person-man to be a God-man. I put expectations on my husband that are meant for God alone. And when he, shock of all shocks, can’t measure up, I am hurt and angry and wallow-y.
So that photo at Gary and Sandra’s vow renewal ceremony? It brings me to tears, because it says without words: This love-life is impossible without a source outside of ourselves. This grief-stricken, joy-filled, longing-for-heaven life together exists because God does, and to make it work is to trust in the one who came up with it in the first place.
Does this ring true for you? How have you experienced grace in your marriage, or witnessed it in the marriages of those around you?
Great post. I think when I first realized that I was putting my God expectations on my husband was a great day for our marriage. It’s so nice to be reminded that I’m not the only one that has these hang-ups. We are on our 11th highly imperfect, love-filled year.
erin @ the little apartment´s last [type] ..Sorry For The Weirdness
I love this post. We’re in our 14th year and thank the Lord I finally learned about five years ago that my husband was a person. It is so freeing to love a person. It is so much easier, actually, once your eyes are opened to each other’s humanness, to accept one another as is. That is not to say we stop pushing hard towards growth, but I finally enjoy loving a broken, mess of a person who needs a Savior – because that is me too.
Leslie@top of the page´s last [type] ..cake & cotton is here!
Hi Emily, I have been married 33 years on the 5th November. One of my biggest disappointments early on was that my husband didn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t fulfil my needs. Believing romantically all the Cinderella, chick flick type of stuff it brought me down to earth. He couldn’t read my mind either, sometimes I actually have to tell him what I need, just as he does too….lol. He wasn’t Prince Charming, he was just another human being, with his own set of expectations and dreams. Only Jesus is the one who will never let me down and who truly understands me and loves me with perfect love! Can’t say that I can reciprocate, that’s grace.
Carol´s last [type] ..Berrylicious Apron
hoo boy have I experienced grace in my marriage!
The miraculous thing, the really transformative thing, is that both of us seem to believe that it is our partner who is teaching us the lesson of grace. There is much that is SO human about my husband, but with his ever-ready forgiveness and warm smile, I am reminded daily of God’s investment and profound love for us humans who are muddling through.
love this post.
Kirsten´s last [type] ..Here Comes the Sun
There is a reason God compares his relationship to the church with marriage. The relationship is forged in grace. Such a beautiful expression of grace in marriage.
The fact is, I married a person. So did he. And together in this holy union the grace extends in 3 directions.
Eyvonne´s last [type] ..6 Do’s and Don’ts for Pastor Appreciation Month
grace should be talked about at every wedding ceremony. and at every parenting conference. i married a sinner. and we have 4 little sinners running around. that’s a lot of sinners in one household. grace is clearly needed.
thank you for these daily grace reminders and from Whom grace comes from and why it should be extended to others.
caroline´s last [type] ..hello october
My husband and I (almost 6 years! woo hoo!) got tons of advice on marriage from our church family. The best advice was to pray daily to see our spouse through the eyes of Jesus. Perfectly forgiven and not the beat up, messed up sinners that we are.
So, whenever his habits and smell and way he chews his food (lol! sometimes, some of the weirdest things get to me!) get on my nerves… I make sure to say a little prayer…a prayer for new eyes.
Grace is abundant in our marriage, because, yes! we married a person.
Thank you for these daily reminders of grace… so many have rung true for me!
After 34 years I have to say yes, there is much grace in our marriage. We’ve survived the birth of a very premature child (he weighed less than 2 pounds, 14 weeks early, 27 years ago when babies that little didn’t have much chance of survival) with our marriage intact. Most don’t survive that. Not only that, but when the times get tough, we seem to slip into a place where we mesh very well, supporting each other. That can’t be by chance or by our own devices. It can only be by grace.
Thanks, Emily, for reminding me that I married a man, and he a woman. Neither of us can be all things to the other.
Carol´s last [type] ..Should vs want- Reinventing Me Part 2
Thirty years last Monday. Grace in every single step of it or else we wouldn’t be at 30 years.
Southern Gal´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday
this is so true and so beautifully written. I’ve been married for 9 years, which is really a short time in the grand scheme of things.
Grace is something that is so badly needed in marriages today. I’ve given and received grace in my marriage and I don’t believe you can have a successful marriage without grace. I truly learned a lot about marriage after reading Sacred Marriage. It’s such a great read.
Beautiful description!! I’ve so enjoyed this series. My husband and I have been married 18 years. We definitely wouldn’t be here today without grace. We make mistakes, but we are called to forgive time and time again just as Christ forgives us time and time again.
My parents and my in-laws have been wonderful examples of grace in life and love. Hubby and I have learned much from them.
Imperfect´s last [type] ..A Season of Patience
Your parents ARE a wonderful example of grace!
It is entirely possible to get married without any notion of needing grace, let alone extending it.
Speaking as one of those who has been married for 25 years, I can write that sentence with certainty. But there’s another bit of which I am equally assured:
Over the long haul of life, it is impossible to stay married–REALLY married, not just occupying the same household–without grace. Grace received, grace accepted, grace extended, grace celebrated.
And over the years, as you’re learning about this, you realize that grace doesn’t originate with you. You realize, more and more, that grace comes from God. And if you are honest, you are left with one legitimate response: glory to God. Just when you were going to take credit for a job well done, you realize that it was God’s work after all.
I think the old hymn says it well:
Oh, Savior, my Redeemer–
What can I but adore
And magnify and praise Thee
And love Thee evermore?
Richella´s last [type] ..Halloween fun a recipe and a giveaway
Beautifully perfect, Emily! Nothing has taught me more about the grace of God than marriage, and I have only been married ofr 5 years. I eagerly look forward to celebrating all that God will have taught us through each other when we hit those milestones at 20, 30, 40 years! Marriage is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done because it is so easy to mistakenly expect your partner to fufill that which only the Lord can provide. Thank you for your words of encouragment, and reminders of Grace!
Yes! Such a good reminder that marriage is to a person, not the Ultimate Lover of our Souls. To expect my person to be HIM, well, it’s unfair and too much and leads to only more resentment.
Thanks for the deeply good reminder to give grace for my husband not to be Jesus.
Laura@Life Overseas´s last [type] ..Promise Under Trees
This one made me cry. You know, because I’ve lived it and all. Am still living it. And I think you’re right: this kind of lived out grace is the kind that can change the world. I need to be reminded of how powerful it is. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done, the most difficult grace to receive and to pour out, and no one throws you a party for it. I love that Gary and Sandra threw their own party. Maybe more of us should follow in their footsteps.
Thanks for this one, friend. I’m going to send it to my man-person. He’ll like it too. : )
Scooper´s last [type] ..Love Em For Who They Are
I cried the whole way through writing it. It’s the photo, I’m sure of it!
Gorgeous. Thank you for this touching story about grace this morning, I needed it.
That photos?
Has made me a mess.
You captured grace, Emily…
In pixels and in the arc and curve of letters.
I miss you here… wherever you go, that is what you always bring — grace.
Thank you for everything you do, Emily.
It really does change the color of my sky….
All’s grace,
Ann
thank you, Ann. For you to say I bring grace is the highest compliment.
I really needed this today. Something silly and small happened this morning, and by the grace of God I was able to pray that I could extend grace in my marriage so as not to have the insignifcant blow up into a meaningless disaster. Your posts this month have given me so much to think about and be challenged upon.
My husband and I have been blessed to be part of a Sunday school group that challenges and encourages married couples/parents. We see examples of grace-filled marriages (since my husband and I each come from divorced childhood homes) in the two mentor/facilitator couples, as well as our peers in the class.
Amanda´s last [type] ..reposting and revising a portion for imperfect prose
Hi Emily,
I really needed to read this today.
Thank you.
Sherri-Dawn´s last [type] ..thanksgiving
you’re welcome sherri-dawn. I needed it too.
My sister was married this weekend. My hub and I were married over 10 years ago. At my wedding, rather than throw the bridal bouquet into a sea of singles, we presented it to the couple in the crowd who’d been married the longest. The DJ called all married couples to the floor. He then requested those who’d been married 5 years or less to please sit down… 10 years or less please sit down… until he got to 50 years or less and two couples remained. My grandparents and dear friends of the family.
Their anniversaries were within months of each other. The couple I presented my bouquet to had been together for 54 years.
This weekend, at my sister’s wedding, the couple found me and told me that they were so touched by the symbolism in my bridal bouquet that they dried the flowers, and 10 years later – celebrating their 64 years together…
my bouquet hangs in their foyer.
They realize – after 64 years together – that it’s the smallest gestures over the years that are the most meaningful.
That, to me, is humbling Grace in marriage.
darcy @ m3b´s last [type] ..Elements of Composition Day 21
i have tears, beautiful.
I’ve been married for 8 1/2 years so also feel unqualified to talk about it! But I remember so vividly the first time my then-fiance and I experienced mutual hurt and disappointment and disilussionment. It was awful. Awful. But we forgave and moved on because God helped us. And He hasn’t stopped.
ps – your photos is the exact perfect demonstration of what photography should be.
The memory of the moment will always trump the technical. Emotion and story telling wins. Every. Time.
Touching.
darcy @ m3b´s last [type] ..Elements of Composition Day 21
thank you. this means a lot!
Oh yes. almost 22 years..we were children.no business getting married and starting a family. we grew up a lot together. we say all the time that our marriage is all Gods doing. if it were left to us, I know for a fact our pride would have ended it at about year 9. and many times since.
God did it.amen
I’m not quite sure why your photo made me cry, Emily, other than because it’s such a poignant, real shot. I also think it may be because what I see is a family circle, one that’s not been broken by selfish desires, which seems to happen so much these days, and to people you’d never imagine. It happened to both of my dear sisters, after 20+ years of marriage, and the aftermath is never over. Not really. Thanks for this reminder of what grace can do. Thanks so much.
I celebrated 30 years of marriage in August and, mercy me, were it not for grace I’m sure my marriage would have ended the first year. Seriously. Without grace in marriage, it just won’t endure. I blogged about our journey back in August (The Circle of Marriage:The Rhythm of Love). We’re still a work in progress, but I have no doubt that, with God’s grace, and grace extended to each other, we’ll make it ’til death do us part.
Such a lovely post.
Dayle´s last [type] ..Simple Pleasures Drinking H2O
We’ve been married just past 17 years, and Grace does abound. . .sometimes not extended at the moment it should be, (on my selfish part) but extended and accepted time and again between the two of us. Thankfully, God is perfect in His timing and mercy, grace and love. . .
Holly´s last [type] ..The Long Road
It is so hard to give grace to my hubby sometimes…but then I remember that he also has to give grace to me. Without Christ in our lives we wouldn’t even have the grace to give out anyway!
allison morrison´s last [type] ..Between a Rock and a Hard Place -Journey to Our Son-Part II
“to make it work is to trust in the one who came up with it in the first place”
this is my take-away. everything you have said this month is magical.
shelley.´s last [type] ..rediscovering the joy of good-enough
My husband and I have been married for 29 years . But I witnessed grace in a very real way not too long ago. Not in my marriage but in my parents. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since we ( my two older sisters, two older brothers, myself and my parents) were in the oncologist office. We were told Daddy had 18 months to live if he took the treatments or 3 months if he didn’t. For the next two years I watched my Mother care for her mate in a way that some people couldn’t or wouldn’t even try to comprehend let alone do. I sat by my Dad as he went over things with me and my brother about how he wanted things handled after he was gone. It was a testamony to a love that started when they were 18 years old and lasted for the next 66 years. Daddy promised Mother that they would see their 65th wedding anniversary and they did. He lived 6 more weeks. The last day of his life while I slipped into the bathroom, my mother told my Dad to go on Home….she would be there as soon as she could. 2 hours later while the love of my Dad’s life held his hand, his 5 legacies gently touching him, Jesus came into that room and took him home. Grace. Grace. Grace to face the unbearable. Grace to let go. Grace to love.
Teri,my heart goes out to you. Daddy’s bladder cancer (lining only for 10yrs) has just sneaked into his left kidney in a major way and his age&health will limit options.(plus I promised no chemo when he lost an Iwo USMC buddy who suffered greatly.) I know once we lose one,the other will follow soon, especially if Daddy stops fighting-Mom will let go &go with him. She wants to and has said so. GrandmaSusana (Susie) passed within 15min of exactly 6mos from losing Grampa. I pray you still have your mom,but if not, the knowledge they are together in joy always must surely lift your heart. We are so blessed to have had the parents He chose for us… -s-
I remember back when we’d been married for about 5 years, we were at a meal with several other couples of our friends. Someone we should go round the circle and share what had been the “trick” that had helped make our marriage work. When it was our turn we said “the grace of God”. The others thought we were trying to be holy, but it was the honest, bare truth. And it still is.
Hi all-i personally am arecycled single person,but all I ever wanted from my short-lived marriage (just shy of 10yrs,many reasons) was to share what my parents had. They are 87&88,both WWII vts, and *today* is their 65th anniversary. So many moments of grace…our first trip back to DC when I was 5, Mom stood just behind Dad at the IwoJima memoria (Dad’s a survivor.Mom served at the Pentagon), both at attention,saluting,sobbing…together. After Mom’s stroke,before Dad’s ills started, she’d have a bad day and he’d tuck her in the car and go for ice cream & hold hands, or drive thru Amish country as th trees were in full color. It breaks my heart they can’t be in the home they built for us, but they’re in the same room in the nursing facility, and they still protect each other, hold hands, and love…i told the young couple that’s renting their home (&want to buy,he’s a Marine,worships Dad’s hand on all he built),that no matter what, that house was always full of love and protected by faith. Most of all? By grace. Thank you for writing this today. It’s like you wrote it for them.
susan
PS-I’ll blame it on sniveling, but what I wanted to include was the joyful celebration of their 60th-they married in DC with just friends and never had a cake or reception, so after *they renewed their vows at 60yrs* (in the church they’d attended/lived for 58yrs) we threw them a real wedding reception. I’m so glad we did–none of us is promised tomorrow on this earth. Thank u again! -s-
Susan – I love this story of your parents, their love, their life, their legacy. Thank you so very much for sharing them with us.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..31 Days of Grace – day 21 in marriage
I hope you have been blessed by writing this series because it has certainly blessed all of us.
I love what you said “You married a person.” So simple and yet it speaks volumes.
We have been married nearly 28 years, and we have been blessed with two precious children.
I think sometimes we enter into a marriage mimicking the marriages of those we see around us. If we have good examples, that is awesome. But if we have poor examples then we can strain our own marriage by trying to mimic and mold ourselves into what we think marriage should be, based on someone ELSE’S idea of marriage. We can treat our spouse based on how our parents or friends treated their spouses, etc., and not based on who WE are.
That is why we need to pay attention to what God says marriage is, as He designed it, and He designed us. He knows WHO we are, and gives us grace to be who He created us to be.
Marriage and parenting teach us a lot about grace, don’t you think? Marriage is loving Him for who he is, not who you could change him into being, and parenting is loving them enough to continue to set the boundaries and hold the line, even when they cry or get mad at you for it. I wouldn’t change a thing!
LOVE the picture! LOVE the hands lifted…:)
We have experienced God’s grace many times in our marriage. We’re both very imperfect people, but blessed by Him.
Mrs.B´s last [type] ..Busy!
I’m late in responding, but thank you, Emily. I always enjoy your posts and this one is special to me. I’m a late bloomer. My first marriage failed after 8 years. The wonderful product of that marriage is an almost 20 year old beautiful, well adjusted girl, who loves her mom and her dad, even though we have been apart since she was two. And 10 years after becoming single again, a wonderful man entered my life through Sunday School of all places. I can’t say that every moment has been easy because it hasn’t, but I can see this Godly man and me holding hands on our 25th. He’s just that special and together we are great. It will be 8 years in December so you’re a bit ahead of me. Let’s have a party on our 25th!
i love this! yes, grace in marriage in my 7.5 years…sooo much…i love my parents story the most and it was the Grace of the Transcendent that broke through both of their hearts…I wasn’t ready to be too intimate with their journey on my blog so I did it the best honor I could…a poem “Of Their Love I Write” on the website I listed and cry whenever I read it…(my mom’s been with Jesus now 8.5 years and my Dad is re-married but still talks about his “messy grief” and how much he misses my mom…)
I had contemplated suggesting to my husband that we renew our vows for our 25th. He was so busy and “absent” I decided not to pressure him. I waited. He was out of town for our 25th and we did nothing. No card, no flowers, no expression of love from him to me. It hurt but I waited and extended grace. Love thinks the best…
A few months later I discovered he was having an affair. For our 25th, he took his lover to a hotel. A month later he flew her overseas for a trip I have dreamed of taking my entire life.
When he shows repentance – when I grant forgiveness through tears – I hope that grace will heal the wounds that seem too deep – I pray God will have mercy on our marriage and we will one day be able to renew our vows even though they have been shattered -
I am praying for you. I am encouraged by Your trust in the Lord to wait and extend grace. I am moved and strengthened by your story.
Emily,
This brings tears to my eyes…actually, its becoming more like a waterfall as I type. Point is. I have been married a short two years and have been seeking the understanding of marriage and Trusting God with marriage and applying grace to my marriage. Being a Christian, you think I would understand it all…I didn’t. God opened my eyes when reading your message and I am thankful. I am thankful that you wrote it. I am thankful that He used you and I am thankful for what He has spoken to my heart. Oh, I pray that grace would stir my affections for my husband. I pray that He would extend it to me. I am desperate for grace…