Sometimes a step toward changing the world means taking the risk to do that big thing, knowing you could fail but facing it anyway. Other times, changing the world comes from saying no, bowing out, staying seated when it seems like you should stand. If yes were a building, no is the back door. Because for every brave yes, there is also a no that comes right along with it. And sometimes saying no takes more courage than saying yes ever did.
We run into some of our most overwhelming problems when we fail to realize that our yes’s live in the same basket as our no’s. And so we must be confident enough in our decisions that a narrowed eye from a fellow school parent doesn’t sway us; that pressure from the Bible study leader at church doesn’t force our hand; that a harsh but well-intended word from a relative doesn’t derail our priorities. Believe in your yes, hold fast to your no. Don’t let the easily offended critic set the agenda.
People may love you, respect you, look up to you, want to be with you, but they will not say no for you. They will let you work and volunteer as long as you are willing. They will let you lead and be strong and move ahead if you want to. Don’t get mad at them for letting you continue to say yes. Only you know your boundaries. If you don’t, might I encourage you to find them out. Because yes can be brave, but it can also be bossy. It can become an addiction. Before you realize it, all of your yes’s are to obligation and duty. And because of those obligated yes’s you are forced to look passion and intention and desire in the eye and say No, I don’t have time for you.
Protect the goal. Carve out margin. Create space for your soul to breathe. Weigh the cost your yes will have on your spirit, your soul, your body. You may have to search for your brave yes, but you will have to fight for your brave no.
Read 31 days to Change the World from the beginning. Subscribe to Chatting at the Sky for free.
Learning to let my “no” be just “no” and not feel bigger than it really is. Because in my mind, if I say ‘No’ it is huge. Big. Life defining. I am letting others down.
No can really just be making room for a yes later.
Does that make sense?
“Don’t let the easily offended critic set the agenda.” Wow! That’s an ouchy one, that is. Makes me think about
1. the times I’ve done this and
2. the times I’ve been the easily offended critic. Double ouch!
But if we say yes to every single little thing, we will surely run out of room for yes. Or out of room for our souls to breathe. Thank you for always beckoning us back to the breathing.
I think I need this post in poster size.
I so agree here with Kim! This was especially poignant for me right now. Thank you, Emily. Thank you.
Protect the goal. Love that …
Good, good words here today Emily!
Love this. Thinking how the yes sometimes speaks to ego instead of calling. Like yes, I will lead your group, this event, etc. Sometimes these are the hardest no’s we have to make but the most freeing because they leave God room for the yes to what He wants us to do . . . the yes that fulfills passion, dreams. Thanks Emily, great words today.
The “no” is also to protect your family at times. It is not always popular especially b/c my husband is in ministry but I find myself having to say no more frequently to be the stable, available one for my kids.
Emily, are you reading my mind? This is something I’ve been wrestling with for sometime, balancing your “yes and no”. Thanks for the post.
So good! Yes is so much easier than no. I struggle with this all the time. I’ve gotten a tad better over the years, but yes is still my first inclination – even as I am trying to stuff it back in because it popped out so fast! Crazy people pleasing tendencies.
It’s eerie, even…
Thank you Emily for writing this, and thank you Jesus for leading me here today! I cannot even begin to tell you of the absolutely perfect timing of this post, in my life, at this moment. You just helped me make a very big decision. Now the rest is up to God!!!
My brave no is the job I hold. I can’t do it yet–walk away. But, I feel the tug in my heart–the permission; the grace–to step away and say, nope–this isn’t it. True, this job helps me grow and it has goodness in it. But it’s not the end of the road. And I’m okay with that. I feel peace and freedom in saying no, with an added enthusiastic thank you.
It’s scary and it’s achingly painful to still have to be right where I am; waiting for what is next and more closely aligned to Me–who I am. But, I’m ready to work to my strengths (my gifts) and not work to strengthen my burnout skills (thank you Claire Burge for writing about that this week on the High Calling!).
Saying No really does take courage! I get ya!
Amy, God so amazes me!! It is not a mistake that you commented right below me. My big decision is on leaving a job that is consuming too much of me. There is also goodness in my present job, but I too find it hard to stay right where I am. A door has opened for me, I will make less money but have more time. I know God has other things in store for me and my job doesn’t define who I am.
May God richly bless you and open you a great and effectual door that no man can close. I’m going to check out High Calling!
Lifting you up, sister!
So true. I love the part about the offending critic. Recently, a leader in our church kindly told me that people will still like me even if I say no to their requests. It felt so good to hear that piece of advice, just like the advice you gave today.
Thanks!
Christen
Oh. MY. I think I’m getting a word. A word from God and one word for me to practice and that’s NO. The past few days that lesson has come in many forms – devotionals, pastors, books, and now here. Girl, you are just the confirmation I need. Thanks! I want time to the things that are most important. I wish I could do it all, but I need to be focused and on purpose.
Much needed encouragement today, Emily. Thanks for giving us permission to say no. Many blessings!
You know what’s funny, well not funny, but you know… I don’t have trouble with no. I may feel guilty for saying it so often, but it doesn’t seem to stop me. So many people who say yes. I want to please people in my heart, but so often I seemed to have failed that I went the other way. Yes was too painful so I learned to default to no. Now it is time to learn to say YES again. It is a good word. It is a word that can expand your universe and make you grow like crazy. And for all you ladies and gents out there who are addicted to yes, NO will do the say for you that YES will do for me.
God has given you such a wonderful gift Emily. You touch people’s hears with grace and gentleness.
So well said and especially lovely after yesterday’s post.
So incredibly true.
Oh, girl. I needed this today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I adore you and your words. And this series? It’s pure awesomeness. XO
“Don’t let the easily offended critic set the agenda.” (which can just as easily be myself…) “Protect the goal.” Day after day after day, Emily, you hit the target with exactly the right words. I am so grateful for your graceful message. Thank you!
This is the most profound, insightful, and meaningful post I have read in a very long time. Saying ‘No’ is so important; otherwise, who are we serving?
Oh, yes!
I have been in a season of NO and felt very misunderstood, even by myself, but I said no to something the other day, and felt bad about it, of course, but my husband said to me, “I am so proud of you for saying NO. I know it isn’t easy for you, and you wouldn’t have done it before.” And I realized…I am growing in my NO and finding a new desire in my passions, callings, etc. Like you said, my soul is finding room to breathe!
Thank you for this series…it has been life-changing and awe-inspiring to me.
i agree with kim, that would make a good poster. i always love your posts
In a world that seems to constantly push women to do, do, do everything and be everything to boot, it’s SO nice to hear someone give permission for the opposite. This is wisdom.
The perfect words at the perfect time. THANK YOU! I struggle so much to say no and I’m going to get a lot of practice soon. The other part of a no that I struggle with is that it needs no justification. I don’t have to explain myself or my reason, it’s just no. I also have to learn to gracefully accept that response from others.
Thirty-eight years of too many yes’s and too few no’s will exhaust a girl and dry her spirit right up. I know this by living this. This year I said no to two things I was good at and that paid me money so that I could say yes to rest and writing and rebuilding. Which pay me nothing of course and yet the dividends are huge.
You are wise beyond your years with this message, friend.
“Protect the goal. Carve out margin. Create space for your soul to breathe. Weigh the cost your yes will have on your spirit, your soul, your body”
Love this… God has been convicting me about what I’m filling my margins with…t.v., too much internet time…too little Bible reading perhaps….He’s refining and working on me…but once you have kids, margins are hard and they do need to be protected!
Our Day 20 is about validation and this dives deeper into that. You’ve helped me feel even more of God’s validation. It’s growing stronger than the need for validation from other than.
long time reader and sharer of your gift of this blog and your words. between this one and ‘pay attention to what makes you cry’ I can’t sit silent on the sidelines any more. you must know, again as you do from so many hearts you reach- you speak truth, grace, love, conviction, and you wrap it so delicately for me to hear and take action. thank you.
Beautifully put, Emily. Saying “No” is so difficult. When we say “no, ” the enemy taunts us with whether we are dedicated enough, care enough, are Christian enough. However, when we don’t, we wear ourselves too thin to be a reflection of Christ’s perfection. I have to admit though, I’m not very good at saying, “no,” but with people like you reminding me that it is just as Christlike to say “no” as it is to say “yes,” it will get easier. Thanks for the encouragement!
Oh I needed to read this today. I work full time at my church AND volunteer Sundays. Need I say more?
“Protect the goal. Carve out margin. Create space for your soul to breathe. Weigh the cost your yes will have on your spirit, your soul, your body. You may have to search for your brave yes, but you will have to fight for your brave no.”
So true! My husband and I are still learning to say no. We’ve grown a lot in this area. I need to do what I’m “called” to, not what everyone else thinks I’m called to.
This is such an incredibly inspirational post, yet so real all at the same time. I find myself relating to these words in such a big way. I have devoted this past year to discovering/sharing my passion, but it has certainly meant a lot of ‘nos’ along the way. Sometimes, those ‘nos’ come with a whole bunch of guilt, and feelings of selfishness. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Love this! I’m a say yes gal and I’ve only recently decided that it’s ok to not be everything to everyone who needs something. Wanna know when my thought process changed? When I read your book. LOVED IT!!!
A.Men. , sister.
“Saying no takes more courage than saying yes ever did.” Sigh. We started out on an adoption journey over two years ago with great conviction to say YES to God’s call. And here we are now, grieving over the NO. The hardest NO we’ve ever had the choice to make. Being faced with a difficult decision and saying NO to the little boy we had named and called our son–it takes courage to believe that something that seems so very wrong… is somehow right.
Emily, this was sooo good. thank you. I have been realizing lately that I have to say “no” more. thank you for the encouragement. : ) -Sue M.