“If we are to be aware of life while we are living it, we must have the courage to relinquish our hard-earned control of ourselves.”
-Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water
I stare out the morning window, the outline of my tired head stares back at me, wispy hair out of place, wild. The sun isn’t up yet, only the faintest, faded line of pink lingers over the trees out back. This slow rising happens every morning, I think to myself. As I wrap my hands around my warm cup, I can’t help but rush ahead into the day. Even though the house is quiet, I’m running on the inside as if things are in full swing. My feet haven’t moved but my soul is rumbling.
Mercifully, the Lord whispers His presence with me and I’m pulled back to this minute. I consider how God called the light day and the dark night, how He spoke the days into being just one at a time. He still does it that way, evening and morning and evening again. And the days roll into one another in a watercolor line of elation and planning and laughter and frustration. Sometimes it feels like my life is a gray arrow right through the center, pushing ahead to get on with the next thing, desperately wishing I could see far off ahead.
It isn’t usually the big things that cause the most trouble and doubt. With the big things, it is so obvious I’m out of control – the diagnosis, the job insecurity, the safety and well-being of my family. Instead it’s those everyday things that are covered with my fingerprints. I try to get things I already have, things like acceptance, worth, security, love. Maybe everything we do is to get one of those needs met. Finish the list – I am important. Apologize for my messy house when the neighbor comes over – I need your acceptance. Don’t let them see my weakness – I need your approval.
We are terrified of the mystery. We want our manager hats to remain firmly on our heads, skirts smoothed, shoes shined, plans lined up in neat rows. At the least, the suggestion that we are not in control is laughable. At the worst, it is offensive. I have a degree, you know.
And so I stand there next to the window, pink sky lighting up with each moment, and consider the invisible place in me where my Spirit and God’s mingle together. I used to think that a mature faith would bring with it clear pictures, thought that as I walked with God I would see life big, wide, and spacious. But that is not what is happening, and if you expect that, it can feel like perhaps your faith is shrinking. Because instead of being lifted up on a cloud to see the big picture, instead of tilting back my head and laughing at those silly things I used to worry about, I am shrinking down into a small place, a place where I can barely see two feet in front of me, much less into next week.
Everything in me wants to fight the unveiling of the anxieties that threaten to overwhelm, push them back from showing up in my day. Christians aren’t supposed to be anxious, right? I want to ignore the smoky unknown; it is counter-intuitive to let the anxieties rise up to the surface.
But we must let them rise up, so that we can release them into His hands. Speak the fear out loud, so that He can give words of truth. Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them, look around, be honest about how it feels as you stand there. And know we have a God who can handle it.
I put my cup on the table, breathe in deep the air of a new day, pray without words to a God who knows. I become aware of His acceptance of me, and not because I finished everything on my list. Truth can be a slow rising, making no difference at first. But as each moment weaves itself into the next, as we believe Him in the great right now, His truth becomes a strand woven into the fabric of our minutes. This moment living is sweet. This moment living reminds me of who is in control and who is not. This smallness is to be celebrated, not despised. I dare not trust myself with the next step. A mature faith says I am desperately in need of a source outside of myself. I always have been, but now I know it.
I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your photography. Your photos are absolutely stunning and make gorgeous wallpaper that I enjoy all day long. You really should market a screensaver — they’d sell like hotcakes! Or a calendar? Coffee table book? The possibilities are endless!
Thank you for adding beauty to my days.
Shari@Rain into Rainbows´s last [type] ..The Bloggy Conference You’ve Been Waiting For!
I relate to this post so much!! I want to plan my life out…and complete lists…constantly seeking outward approval…we need God’s grace and peace.
Beautiful post!
Beautifully written. Thank you.
Susan McCurdy´s last [type] ..Seeing Yourself in a Bad Light
Just lovely, friend. Lovely ~ like you. xoxo
Kristen-Chasing Blue Skies´s last [type] ..When You Wonder If It’s All Worth It
I love this-”Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them. ” It’s a message that is so clear to me, especially this year. Thanks for this beautiful post, and of course the pictures. Stunning as always.
Ahhhh this sooo speaks to my heart. Been wrestling with the same thoughts for many months now. I thought my faith was supposed to be getting strong, bigger, more mature…but instead I find my place of not knowing, mystery, and loss of control…it’s wild, it’s crazy, it doesn’t make sense, but some how I just know that God is behind this…this loss of control I feel in my life. Security, love, and acceptance, I look forever them everyday everywhere…but oh how I realizing once again that those things only can come in Him!!!
Beautiful post- thank you:)
Charissa Steyn´s last [type] ..my temporary addiction
What a beautiful (and relevant) post! I find myself needing to be reminded that the Lord speaks the days into existence, it helps me to be fully aware that He is constantly in control.
I find God speaks best through the testimonies of those in the faith. With that said, I thank you for delivering the message!
Rachel @ Shepherd’s Daughter´s last [type] ..The 10 Things God Taught Me in 2011
I can not begin to tell you how much I needed to read your words this morning. Thank you for speaking to my heart!
Mary@The Calm of His Presence´s last [type] ..Joy Dare
“But we must let them rise up . . .” Yes!
Nancy´s last [type] ..A Curiosity Journal
I really needed this today. Thank you. PS I’m a HUGE Madeleine fan!
kd sullivan´s last [type] ..Cotton Candy Christianity
Yes. Yes. Yes. I want to live a moment by moment life, to drink in His goodness, and to abound in His faithfulness.
A great reminder to slow down and look for the work of Him in our lives.
Mary Lauren @My 3 Little Birds´s last [type] ..A Country that Knows No Borders {The Underside of Joy Review}
I haven’t had time to write in days. Someone, some crisis, always something. But here is this blog, I’m saying YES! This is where I hear God. No Fear, No rush,…acceptance, love, and encouragement.
Got to go now, everyone waiting on me to go and do…again.
~Di
Diane Bailey´s last [type] ..Sunday Morning- No Fear
I kept thinking of John the Baptist as I read this Emily; He must increase; I must decrease. How easily we forget these upside-down kingdom truths. I read a little footnote to the Psalms yesterday pointing out the way the Psalmist wasn’t afraid to tell the Father exactly how he felt about His circumstances. Your words speak truth to my heart.
Linda´s last [type] ..One of a Kind
As soon as I read that quote at the top of your post I knew I had to read this whole post – and read it slow.
How is it that God uses people that I don’t even really know to reach down deep and echo things that He’s been whispering to me for weeks??
Sigh.
Carissa´s last [type] ..kitchen art {slow progress}
To me – it really is a layering upon layering of faith. I see it in my own life. I trust. I move out. I give over to Him. And then, later the layer is pulled back and He says, “Really? Let’s go a little deeper.” And He does, and I ‘shrink back’ a bit and then move in step with Him. And the whole process is happening once more. I think in the end what is left is me made in His image – my flesh peeled back layer by layer.
always blessed by being here.
Stacey´s last [type] ..Chickens, Borneo, and How God Uses Social Media for His Glory
This was so real and beautiful and just peaceful in pictures and in words.
Thank you for the words and pictures. I have been truly blessed by the writings of Madeleine L’Engle, and I love the quote you posted.
This is amazingly beautiful. I feel as if you are describing me and my mornings exactly. Just this week, my husband and I committed to getting up a half hour early to pray together for ourselves and our three adult children (who all still live with us! College age.) It’s amazing to sit and pray as we see an inkling of a sunrise, realizing most of our neighboring world is still sleeping but we get a sneak peek on the new day dawning (literally). Quiet morning moments are times like no others- before the day and its routines take over. I am already loving doing this every morning in the quiet, because as you say, it’s obvious to even me that I’m not control in the big things. But I need God to fill my tank daily to help get me through the life that comes in moments.
Beth Coulton´s last [type] ..it’s in the cards
“…trying to get things I already have.”
Yes! That is exactly right! Thank you!
Shannon@Chickens in My Kitchen´s last [type] ..Christmas
“Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small…” AMEN. There are so many lessons to be learned when we confront these small mustard seeds and let God do something beautiful with them. Thank you for your words.
Eileen´s last [type] ..God’s Voice vs. Punk’s Voice
“praying without words”…I feel like I related to this most. So often I find myself thinking about God, meditating on Him, bringing to my consciousness the knowledge of His sovereignty, but without mentally addressing Him using words. My words seem…not enough. Then I feel like I’m not talking *to* Him enough. But it is prayer, isn’t it, acknowledging that He knows what’s on my heart and what I need?
MainlineMom aka Sarah´s last [type] ..Photography Thursday
THIS:
“Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them, look around, be honest about how it feels as you stand there. And know we have a God who can handle it.”
thank you, once again, emily, for the reminder to draw near to Him amidst the challenges of life. because we are assured that when we do, He will draw near to us as well. and He’s not intimidated by my struggle to believe, is He? indeed, He can handle it. He is more than able.
Lord, i believe. help me in my unbelief.
tanya@truthinweakness´s last [type] ..because love covers a multitude of smells
wow, thank you so much for this post. i just heard about you on simple mom. God is moving through you. there’s so much breathing space, so much Holy Spirit space, surrounding your posts. May God’s blessings work in you and through you today. Thanks.
Well, glory be, hallelujah, and amen. Preach it – softly, just like you’re doing. It IS in the small places that our faith grows, that daily relinquishing, loosening of the reins, sighing into the Spirit within. Thank you for this beautiful writing, writing that is true and important and real.
Diana Trautwein´s last [type] ..Just an Ordinary Saturday…
Thank you so much for this post. I feel like you wrote it just for me and am literally in tears. I have really been struggling lately and while I’m trying to build my faith and when I feel like I’m finally getting it, I hit bottom again and my anxieties and depression and trying to please everyone surface. I will read and reread this post as a wonderful reminder that I just need to deal with it instead of running in fear away, but do so at the foot of my Father – well, actually, I’d like to sit on his lap as I did with my earthly father when I was little! Again, thank you.
What a soul settling post. I really am breathing more deeply after reading it
The promise of heaven – “knowing fully even as I am fully known” has been running through my mind a lot lately. Your post reminded me of it too. I guess there’s a reason that the ultimate “big picture knowing” experience doesn’t happen completely until we’re in heaven. Though we’re certainly indwelled with His Spirit, I just don’t think our flesh dwelling bodies could handle it.
Emily, thank you for your wonderful email. Is it just me or the the “I pray to God who knows….” a play off of: “God knows what” …or am I just WEIRD…either way, I love it! – thank you for the post Emily
Jasper@crunchylittlebites´s last [type] ..isn’t she lovely?
“I…pray without words to a God who knows.” Love this. Such a burden-lifting realization that when my words come up short, He knows.
Emily´s last [type] ..Help My Unbelief
Such freeing words, Emily. He knows! He knows my now, my later on, and my before. He knows what is really important on my list, and all I need to do is let Him speak and guide and hold. Beautiful post!
Katie´s last [type] ..Pink Edges of Grace
Just want to say thanks Emily.
And yes it is very uplifting to let Him be in control.
Charina @ Pondered Thoughts´s last [type] ..{seeking His purpose}
Hi Emily!
My soul totally needed this today. “Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them, look around, be honest about how it feels as you stand there. And know we have a God who can handle it.” Thank you, friend, for pointing us to God with your words.
LOVE. Yes, it’s the stuff with my fingerprints on it that gives me that false sense of, “You’d better get this right.” And I hate that. It’s all His. All of it. It’s the relinquishing and acceptance that is both freeing and difficult.
Scooper´s last [type] ..Let’s Dish
Emily, thank you so much for this. I’ve never commented here before, but I needed to with this post.
Thank you for allowing my soul to take a deep breath as I read this. I’ve been trying SO HARD to control everything, and it’s not working. In fact, I feel like I’m falling apart inside. Thank you for reminding me that God is enough, and that He loves me so much just as I am. I felt like I had such a “strong” faith a few years ago, but I feel so much more broken now. Maybe that brokenness is what I need to really bring me to Him. Thanks.
Did you know how much I needed this?
Did you look into my every-anxious soul and read its worries and concerns and never-ending mantras of go-go-go and do-do-do?
Some words that speak to me….
“my soul is rumbling…” {almost constantly!)
Mature faith…clearer pictures…but shrinking faith… {I thought this too}
Fighting the anxieties…pushing them back from my day {oh how I TRY to do this!!}
“We must let them rise up to release them into His hands….” {Yes…and Amen.}
Oh how to really express JUST how much I needed this!
Lindsey van Niekerk´s last [type] ..Five Minute Friday: Vivid
ah! your words just cut conviction through my heart. (which is a good thing, though painful!) I YEARN to live in each moment and to trust Him with that child-like faith. I want to be blown about by His Spirit. You’re so very right – sometimes Truth IS slow to take root.. but I rest in the promise that I go from glory to glory as HE brings my story to completion. Thank you, Emily!
Caitlin´s last [type] ..FMF: Vivid
I’ve printed this and read it lots. It’s like poetry that has so many layers in it and things to say. The smallness, the moment by moment dependence – coming back to these words amidst all the noise in the world is like coming to God’s peacefulness. I’ve been noticing so much lately how GRACE = HUMILITY and this seems to say a lot about that. More and more i marvel and think we are actually so crazy to think we can do anything in our own strength or could amount to anything outside of Him.
Your words, this piece of beauty here, it speaks grace and peace to my own rumbling soul tonight…… Thank you…..
Kris´s last [type] ..Weekend Wanderings~
Beautiful, moving post. Thank you!
Erin´s last [type] ..Five Minute Friday :: Vivid
Oh Emily, I loved this post! My favorite writer/theologian/inner healing person is LeAnne Payne and in her book, The Healing Presence where she shares how we can be a part of God’s mission to redeem the world, is this chapter, “Celebrating Our Smallness.” She quotes CS Lewis who wrote Perelandra about an unfallen planet. Ransom, the major character, begins to realize how he has had a part in this redemption…in its not falling…and begins to be overwhelmed. This is what he hears the angel, Malacandra say:
“Be comforted…it is no doing of yours…Be comforted, small one, in your smallness. God lays no merit on you. Receive and be glad. Have no fear, lest your shoulders be bearing this world. Look! He is beneath your head and carries you.”
I think you are exactly right. Being and knowing our smallness while knowing the incredible love of the Father is exactly the maturity God is walking us into…we are lifting our hands, poor in spirit to our Abba.
This is my heart today–couldn’t have said it better myself. As a person who doesn’t generally experience a lot of anxiety, I’ve learned that when it does come along, I struggle with being able to acknowledge it and release it. My pride struggles against me and weighs me down even further.
Praying for open hands and an open heart today, during this season when my spirit feels tied up.
Audra´s last [type] ..the journey is the destination
I come back and re-read this every day… along with your dad’s post from 1/17. Y’all make a good team and God is speaking through you both. And the thought just occurred to me that without the internet I would be a very stagnant Christian. Thank God for technology!
hello Emily,
i was directed to your blog by a friend and am so thankful for it. i am an artist and would love to paint one or some of your photographs. you can see my work on my blog, janetspaintedlife.blogspot.com.
i so resonate with your feelings of hurry before your feet have even started moving in the day. and i appreciate the truth you reveal about our faith growing up into something different than we had imagined. tomorrow i will look forward to the line of pink around the trees, and think of you and of God and breath a little slower, and a little deeper.
New reader who stumbled upon your blog through another blog i read. i could not be more happy that i found your blog!! i’ve stumbled upon a few diff posts and they all make my heart smile and breathe a sigh of relief! love this part of the post!
“Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them, look around, be honest about how it feels as you stand there. And know we have a God who can handle it.”
Thank You!!
Beautiful. I like this revelation very much. More of him and less of me. Glory to God.
“But we must let them rise up, so that we can release them into His hands. Speak the fear out loud, so that He can give words of truth. Don’t run away from those places where it seems your faith is small. Run into them, look around, be honest about how it feels as you stand there. And know we have a God who can handle it.”
Those words brought tears to my eyes. I very much needed to read this today. God led me here I have no doubt.
Thank you! : )
This is SO how I’ve been feeling lately. Can relate to every word. Yes ma’am. It’s scary but fun and exhilarating to finally “agree” to relinquishing control.
Samantha Livingston´s last [type] ..What’s Your Mood Ring Say?