The escalator moves too slowly. I’m desperate to catch the bus. I’m asleep, but my mind doesn’t know that. All my mind knows is Dancing With The Stars is about to start and I’m definitely going to miss the star-shaped bus that take me to the studio.
Did I mention I’m asleep? And also that I don’t even watch Dancing With the Stars?
It’s just an example of the running-to-catch-up feeling I have lately. When I don’t acknowledge it in my waking, it swirls around in my dreams. My jaw is in a constant state of tight. It’s like my face is poised for a punch at a moments notice. I sit at my computer, check the email, sip the coffee, drive to the post office, stand in front of the flowers at the grocery store, and the whole time, I clench.
I think about Africa, the Philippines, North Carolina, and heaven. I think about politics and Jesus and American Idol and dinner. I think about the pool opening soon and also children who don’t have clean water. I think about pajama day at preschool and how I’m not sure I have any clean. I think about writing. I think about love.
Before he was crucified, Jesus told his disciples that it was better that he go away. They couldn’t imagine how it could be better for him to be gone, but Jesus doesn’t tell lies so they struggled through his truth. The truth didn’t feel true. That’s the way it is sometimes. But the truth is, the only thing better than having Jesus beside us is having Jesus within us.
“I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever, that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.”
John 14:16-17
His life within us changes everything. And if it doesn’t, then we need to re-think some things. I’ve been doing some re-thinking lately. What have you been thinking about?
p.s. Excited about yesterdays response to the loosely organized book club this summer! Working on details and some ideas – will update you next week.
Jesus within us- that is something to smile about this morning. Lovely post.
My mind is full of the battle that I see in the hearts of the moms I sit with at the ballpark. I see the way that God has extended his arms to them and the way they have reached out with a finger, or reached out and then pulled back, or crossed their arms completely and said, “are you kidding me?” The glimpses that I’ve seen lately of heaven on earth, Christ in me the hope of glory, crumbs of peace have made me desperate for the ever after. I’m more aware of my own tendency to stuff the now with the meaningless in an attempt to fill the hole.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My own peace I now give and bequeath to you. not as the world gives do I give to you, meither let them be afraid. Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and distrubed and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.
Trusting. Trusting that God will meet me in my tendencies to suspect he’s holding out on me. Oh, how human am I?
Jasper {crunchylittlebites}´s last [type] ..“Anny Am”
Changing cultures. From 9 years of primarily conservative homeschooling to public schools. It is filled with worry and relief (so much burnout) and misunderstanding by others (oh the stereotypes I run into!). I have felt led, but am I deceived? Will my children survive adolescence this way instead of continuing to keep their world’s small and safe? I do not yet know.
Jenny´s last [type] ..My Second Wild and Precious Son
I’ve been thinking of Africa too. I dreamt of little Mary in Tanzania last night — I sponsored her this morning
Jamie @ Six Bricks High´s last [type] ..What Happens When the Kids Grow Up
love that Jamie!
Stacey´s last [type] ..What I Wore :: Loft Mommy Blogger Edition
This morning I read Proverbs 16:3 “Commit your works to the Lord and your thoughts will be established.”
The verse really spoke to me because I want to commit ALL that I do to HIM! So, that’s what I’ve been thinking about.
Angela´s last [type] ..DIY Jewelry Board
LETTING my roots go deep. And Jonah. Letting God lead me where he wants, and me not fighting it.
Your tweet about this caught my eye. Clenching my jaw? Yes. Too many thoughts swirling? Yes. Family tensions, many things to juggle on the calendar, future uncertainties, fears. Thanks for the reminder about the Helper.
Also, you would have loved my dream last night. It involved my walking out in the middle of a manicure, going to a dance club, parking my car in some older woman’s garage near the club, and then charming her so she would let me keep parking there. Apparently I was going to make this club a regular haunt. The whole thing was bizarre!
I have those dreams when life gets overwhelming too Emily – trying desperately to get something done and never quite able to do it. I wake up exhausted. I’ve been doing a lot of rethinking of late too.
And….I’d love to do a book club this summer1
Linda´s last [type] ..Such Love
Oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one walking around (and sleeping) with my jaw clinched. I was having one of my “the world is crushing in on me” dreams the other night and dreamed my jaw was being X-rayed – that’s how tightly I had chomped down. To the breaking point! I woke up hurting all over.
And so what am I thinking about? Holding it all together, looking strong, being strong…. or I was subconsciously. God revealed real Truth to me just within the last few days though – and that is that all this time I thought I was strong, but really I’ve just been hiding.
There’s a whole lot of breaking and hope searching going on here..
Thanks for sharing.
Allyson
Ps. I’ve been reading Scary Hope, and I’m really enjoying pondering over it.
I answered your “What are you thinking about?” question and mentioned your Dad’s book, so I wanted to link my post. http://ourordinarylife-annette.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-am-i-thinking.html (but I don’t think the link actually showed up! Anyway, that’s the addy!)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Anet @ Our extra-Ordinary Life´s last [type] ..What Am I Thinking?
Yep, clenching my jaw….that is totally me! In fact, my left ear is so clogged…and the doctor says its due to clenching. I’m going through a phase of changes in my life. Major ones…one that have brought up so much pain, hurt, anger, anguish, torment, that its easy to clench my jaws. Its easy to run away from God…and isolate myself. Today, my jaws hurt so bad….i even realize I clench during prepping a sandwich at lunch! Yikes….I’m rethinking how intense I am…how I am living my life…and how my past is affecting my present. I don’t want this anymore so I’m thinking about how to change it. Great post!
I can’t wait to hear the details . . . (yeh)
Have you ever heard of the book “The Valley of Vision”? It’s a book filled with Puritan prayers. I read one of the prayers a couple of days ago entitled “Need of Grace.” This passage made me think of you and your blog and your book
“Return again with showers of converting grace
to a poor gospel-abusing sinner.
Help my soul to breathe after holiness,
after a constant devotedness to thee,
after growth in grace more abundantly every day”
I have been so blessed by reading your blog this past school year. I have your book, and am going to read it this summer.
I’ve also enjoyed reading The Nester’s blog, especially recently. I’m going to Uganda in a little over a week for a month. It’s been challenging and encouraging at the same time to read her stories!
My main devotional book has the focus of “Joy” for the month of May. But, it is not all butterflies, popsicles and unicorns. It talks about finding joy when we think there is none to be found through God’s presence, through the little everyday miracles we need to tune into, through victory in a challenge, through love of the unloveable, and so on. We must mine the Joy to be found in our life. It is not laid out like a buffet for us to ooh and ahh and select.
I like the thought that we work for our joys so that we turn the jaw clenching into an appetizing buffet of challenge, opportunity, work, research, study, fellowship, honor, and love.
I battle believing His Promises are really for me. I know He is a miracle worker, and others will receive their miracles, but maybe I just won’t. Not that He doesn’t want it for me, but that I am getting in the way of my own miracle somehow. Woa, just bared my soul.
Janelle
Janelle-A Story of Grace´s last [type] ..Just ‘Cuz
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
Janelle@AStoryofGrace´s last [type] ..Just ‘Cuz
I just read one of these lines to Cory as he passed through. At midnight. Your wisdom and clarity slays me so often.
I find re-thinking quite exciting. It’s a brand new day, right?
Flower Patch Farmgirl´s last [type] ..How Much is Too Much? – Part 2
Are you reading my mail?
No, seriously….
Same running-to-catch-up feeling, different topics…
Thank you for this post making me not feel so CRAZY!
Lindsey van Niekerk´s last [type] ..Five Minute Friday :: Identity
“His life within us changes everything. And if it doesn’t, then we need to re-think some things.” Very very true. I’ve been thinking about how I can take off most of the summer so I can play with the kids. With two book proposals brewing and the challenges with one of my girls’ health increasing… it’s been a wild year. A jaw clenched kind of year. How do YOU manage your summers with writing and kiddos? I’d love ideas!
Laurie Wallin´s last [type] ..Why Your Breakthrough Is Closer Than You Think
I didn’t realize my jaw was clinched until reading this.
“I think about the pool opening soon and I think about children who don’t have clean water.” I can so relate to this. Sometimes I drive myself mad with the tug-of-war between these two ends of the spectrum. Ultimately, I know it’s ok–and what’s important will rise–but sometimes it just feels noisy in there. That to say, I’ve been thinking about margin. And my need for more of it.
Adriel Booker´s last [type] ..breastfeeding is a big deal: normalizing what’s already normal
Thank you that with your very full plate you are still making room to ponder how to do a book club of sorts. Giving of yourself to others. I am grateful. I will look forward to the details. What wonderful words to wrap a mind and heart around on this Friday. Blessings….
Elizabeth´s last [type] ..My Favorite One
Being an ambassador for Christ love here. In my little circle of influence. Sometimes, the sheer volume of opportunity that I have is completely overwhelming. Trying to balance stepping out in faith, trusting that His ways are higher than mine (even when I feel so certain that surely I have the right answer), and remaining true to Truth are all on my mind lately.
Missy´s last [type] ..Whose Dog IS That, Anyway?
“The only thing better than having Jesus beside us is having Jesus within us…” I read that sentence a couple times just letting the truth of it seep into my heart. Such beautiful truth and yes, it is true… thank goodness it is. But how often I live as if I am on my own and it is all up to me. I’m reminded to lay it all down… whatever the “it” may be and to simply rest in his presence within me.
I’d love to know what book you’re reading for the book club. shannontheresa80@gmail.com
Man, that clenched-jaw thing must be going around. All I know is that I think about too much. All the time. My mind is slow to learn rest.
Also, I’d love to be part of the Good Girls summer dish. My own group of good girls is finishing up soon but this is a book with the sort of truths I need to keep thinking about, talking about, writing about. Love the idea.
Oh. my. goodness. Tears in my eyes and chills throughout my body. Swirling thoughts everywhere. I forget to get flowers for the boys’ teachers today (Teacher Appreciation Week). The house is a mess and my mom is coming today (she doesn’t care…I do). Rough morning getting the boys off to school. Should I homeschool next year? So many little demands that combine to seem overwhelming.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder of the only thing that matters. He dwells within and brings rest to my soul.
The concept of my wakeful running traveling to my dreams. This really spoke to me. I am in the process of rethinking and listening hard so I can quit running away and instead begin running to.
Are you sure the tornado from your mind hasn’t made its way over to New York from North Carolina and into my brain?
Last night my drive home from dinner at a family friend’s house brought the same kind of swirling thoughts to my head, too.
With all of this politic change happening, and thinking about addictions some friends and family are facing…thinking about this generation and the issues rising from it…thinking about Kenya and children in need of some love…but also the Postal Worker who is in need of a smile…I found myself overwhelmed with problems and underwhelmed with the power to change it all.
Fail number one: forgetting that it’s not about who I am and what I can offer, but who He is and what I can then offer, because of Him in me. And only because of that.
That…among many other thoughts.
Thanks for the scripture <3
Happy Friday
Rae´s last [type] ..bachelor of arts in staying at home
Thinking about myself as a Christian…where my faith comes from, where it’s going, how I am living it out, AM I living it out….all these questions on whether I’m a “good enough” believer.
Jess´s last [type] ..On Celebrating Milestone Anniversaries
Running to catch up, yes. I have this recurring tornado dream – not so subtle, is it? Life spins beyond my control, but I forget He is my ever-steady axis. Thanks for this reminder, Emily. And Happy Mother’s Day.
Becky K.´s last [type] ..How a Wiggles Movie Changed My Life
I’ve been thinking I’m small. But God is big.
I’ve been thinking about my daddy and how he is fighting cancer so hard.
How my mom is worn thin,
How I wish I could be there.
I’ve been thinking about loving my babies well.
And to top it all off, I’ve been thinking I sure hope summer gets here fast.
Stacey´s last [type] ..What I Wore :: Loft Mommy Blogger Edition
I’ve been thinking I need to go deeper, still, into His story as I write in my own blog. You inspire me!
Peg´s last [type] ..The Heavens Began to Sing to Me
Beautiful post…I needed to read!
Thank you for the beautiful post! I’m on this stage of my life where there’s a lot of questions. I’m still praying for my purpose on Earth. Sometimes I feel like I need to persevere more so I can hear what God wants to say to me…