The classroom is freezing. Doesn’t the school system need money? Why is the thermostat set so low? I look around the room at the students wrapped up in sweaters, double crossing their legs, teeth-chattering endlessly. Maybe it’s just to keep them awake. School will be out for summer in a few days. It can’t come soon enough.
It’s 2001, and I’ve been working as a sign language interpreter in a high school for two years now. I’m good at it. Sometimes Deaf people ask me if I’m Deaf when they see me sign. That is the highest compliment. I have my degree in Educational Interpreting, but I want to get certified nationally. That is my highest goal, at least I think it is. But the wedding is in a month. The exam will have to wait.
reaching for a goal
I walk into the exam room, the six-hour drive to Atlanta lingers in my back. I’m yawning and the examiner asks if I’m tired. I tell her yes, but I’m not. I yawn when I get nervous, and I’ve never been more so. She leaves the room after setting up the camera. I’m supposed to start signing as soon as I hear a voice. The red light is blinding. I’m being taped, and I’m a nervous wreck.
It’s 2002. I can’t stop shaking. I really want this, but I’m not sure why. When I get it, I’m sure I’ll feel legitimate.
getting what you want
The letter I’ve been waiting for is finally here. I don’t want to open it, but I must. I think I might be sick. It’s been three months since I took that test, but the nerves flood back like I’m taking it now. I put a finger through the hole between the paper and the adhesive. Congratulations. I’ve finally arrived. Now my degree, the studying, the money, the scholarship, and all that time? Now they’re worth it. This paper is proof.
I don’t feel any different.
saying no
They tell me I can use a golf cart to get around campus if I need to. She hands me the keys and I can’t help but laugh. The twins aren’t due for four more months, but I’m big. Really big. I already can’t see my feet. My boss knows that the forty-hour work week is starting to take a toll on my body, especially since the university is big and some of the classes I interpret in are far apart. I feel ridiculous, but I use the golf cart anyway. It is awesome.
They are kind to me. I’m dreading the conversation I must have soon. I’m quitting. For years I’ve been listening in on conversations between people, teachers, students, friends. I’ve interpreted from one language into another. But I long to be home. I long to have a voice. I long for connection. I’m tired of watching.
seeing yellow
It’s 2005 and it’s been a long day. The twins are both finally asleep and the house is quiet. They’ll be two soon. An interpreting agency called today. I told them no. Again. I need to earn more CEUs to keep my certification active, but the idea exhausts me.
There is something strong I can’t shake, something I think the Lord keeps telling me. It’s time to write, he says. I’m excited. And also terrified. Yellow is dancing around in my head. Writing is yellow. The things that make us come alive always are.
what saying no does
Being good at something doesn’t automatically mean you should do it. During those years of pursing sign language interpreting, in many ways I was living on the outside, doing what was expected, waiting for permission to come alive. The permission never came. It still hasn’t, actually. Do you know what came instead?
Desire.
Desire pursues you, hunts you down with sharp eyes and true words and begs you to turn around. For me, it was a desire to influence. And the form it took for me was writing.
It’s 2012 and today, a letter came in the mail:
Dear Emily Freeman:
We regret to inform you that your RID record shows that you did not meet the CEU requirements for your certification cycle that ended December 31, 2011.
Unfortunately, this means that we are required to revoke your certification.
I cried a little when I read it. Not because I have regrets, but because I don’t. Saying no to interpreting didn’t come all at once, but it did come. I used to feel guilty about that, like maybe it meant I had wasted my time. I don’t believe that anymore.
That gradual no led to an eventual yes.
At the same time I began saying no to interpreting, I began to say a small, timid yes to mothering and to writing, a shadow-love leftover from my childhood life that I still held dear but didn’t know it.
I’ve been writing on purpose and in public since 2006. I wrote a book that came out last fall and in many ways, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Hello, my guts are on sale at Barnes and Noble for 13 dollars. And also you are free to give my guts one star on Amazon, if you so choose.
But writing a book doesn’t mean I was living a good story. Writing stories isn’t the same thing as living them. Even though I just told you that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I will contradict myself and tell you the book was the easy part compared to the living of it. How can I tell you of grace unless I have taken the cup with both hands and been filled with the sharp, hot truth? I can’t recommend something I’ve not tasted.
So I taste. And then I tell.
Sometimes I get email from women asking me what it means to trust God, really. They don’t want the obvious, routine, clean answer. It doesn’t matter what I say, because if I can’t answer that question with my real life, then none of this counts.
Today I’m joining a group of writers at Prodigal Magazine, all writing on what it means to live a good story. It was harder than I thought having that question roll around in my head, Am I living a good story? How do I know? Then I got that letter in the mail, and it reminded me of some things. If you want to share your own story, head over to Prodigal Magazine - they’ll tell you how.
Trusting God is knowing he will care for you (doubting it some days but eventually returning) after your job runs out. Or while not having health insurance. I’m living these right now and yet…I could be unemployed (again) after June 1 but I’m not worried. I should be, but I’m not. I’ve taken that to mean that I’m trusting God as I should.
He does have a plan for each step in our lives. We might not understand now, and sometimes we might look back and cry a little, but we are meant to grow, and that is what I think he is doing.
This is a beautiful post, Emily! Finished the book this weekend. Now I regret not reading it sooner. Thanks, again, for sending it to me!
You have an amazing gift with words. Thanks for sharing them with us.
~Heidi
Heidi…´s last [type] ..we’re moving…
i just stumbled on your blog last night. you have such an interesting & beautiful voice, no matter what you’re saying. thank you for following your heart, for jumping into a larger story, so that the rest of us may reap from it & be encouraged. i certainly am.
jill´s last [type] ..Look Before You Leap
Emily you are exactly where God would like you to be. Just think you are blessed, for you have many gifts and talents. God has given us tools and resources with which we are to explore the path that we have been placed on. As we the know the path is far from straight or narrow. There are many twists and turns that require decisions to be made and destinations to stop and visit along the way. Some destinations hold us hostage and some we find blessed to have stumbled upon. I have no idea what God has nstore for our final destination here on earth, the place we will call our own. We do know that some form of change is inevitable. However, Emily I thank God for leading you to writing, because not only do you touch my heart and soul but you help me to reflect upon my own life without harshness. Few are able to accomplish this daunting taks. Now, could you please help me find my own place?! lol Blessings to you and your family.
Beautiful, beautiful post. So interesting about writing being yellow. I’m going to have to think on that one for awhile.
Sarah at SmallWorld´s last [type] ..Caught-My-Eye Posts
The yellow line caught my attention too. I have to think about whether yellow is the color of alive for me, too, or if it’s different for each person.
Denise´s last [type] ..Sleeping Bear Dune National Lakeshore
Oh how I can relate to this Emily. I almost finished my Master’s degree and I”m not even doing what I studied. I find that I am much more fulfilled but others don’t understand. IT feels like you turned your back on yourself, but at the same time that you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to. Sometimes it is a strange feeling.
Alyssa´s last [type] ..Let’s Try This Again
thanks for sharing the way your life and call unfolded. I didn’t even know I was a writer until someone hired me to be one. It is just amazing to watch the way God unfolds our lives in a way we never even conceived of in the beginning.
Shelly Miller´s last [type] ..Katie Couric and the Queen: My Brush With Fame
I love this…it makes me flash back when I had 3 small children and at that time a chronic illness…I got a letter saying I needed to take classes to keep my special ed. certificate…I always knew I would stay home and never thought it would bother me to let it go…but that paper gave me “more value”…than “just” a mom. 5 kids later and most of them grown…I too have no regrets…thanks for taking me back to a forgotten moment…isn’t that what good writers do? Glad you write…and I am sure you family is glad your their mom:) blessings to you~
r.elliott´s last [type] ..Keep Your Dancing Shoes On.
Next year I will go from working three hours a day to one day a week. It is still keeping my foot in the foot without walking away from teaching completely….here’s the thing: I gave it to God after much thought and deliberation and he offered me this gift. It may only be for a year or longer…only He knows. So I will keep counting on Him to Lear the way. Saying no opens so many doors I’m longing to say yes to. Feeling blessed for the opportunity.
janene´s last [type] ..May 21, 2012
I am living this story. Yes, to all of it. I lost my nursing license a few years ago due to a lack of continuing ed. credits, and it was pure freedom to release it and embrace a better story.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Five Minute Friday: Perspective
Thank you for sharing something that is very difficult for you with others, it really help to have inspiration when taking those frightening, stomach dropping steps into the “great unknown”
Jasper {crunchylittlebites}´s last [type] ..Things are about to get very very cute
I hesitated to leave a comment but heck, here goes…
Yesterday we visited a small church where there was a large population of Deaf people. They had a sign language interpreter and the pastor signed from time to time during his sermon and as we all sang. They actually hosted a conference for Deaf Christians the day before and apparently the church has developed a reputation for Deaf people. It was a beautiful service!
Anyway, I popped on your site this morning and saw this piece of your story and I can imagine the sting when you read about your certification in black and white. Even though your story is taking a different direction through your writing/speaking, I wonder if He just might use your gift of sign interpretation in a small, unexpected “unofficial” way.
Thank you for sharing. I’m looking forward to reading your story or as you write, your “guts [that] are on sale at Barnes and Noble for 13 dollars.”
fun! It is beautiful to watch sign language at church. I put in many, many hours of interpreting at church during those years. For the most part, I enjoyed it. But everything has it’s politics, you know
I think now the sweetest way the Lord has brought sign language back around is when I see Deaf moms around town with their kids, and I can strike up a conversation with them just like I would a hearing mom. I think it delights them to have a connection with a stranger – something they, unfortunately, don’t always spontaneously get.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..learning to live a good story
that’s really beautiful, emily!
You know that feeling when you read a blog or a book or some bit of someone else’s story and heart, and it feels somewhat like a punch to the gut? That’s kind of how this particular post made me feel. Mostly because your growth story feels very much like mine right now.
I have an education degree. I spent five and a half years achieving said degree, and I am currently beating my brains out trying to get a job teaching. Trying to get my certification in Texas, in both music and English/Language Arts. Trying to keep my standing certifications in Missouri, in both music and English/Language Arts. And in moments? I have no idea why. Because I spend most days filled with a burning desire to run as fast as my spirit can carry me, away from that world that used to make so much sense to me. To write, to make music, to invest more in my photography. To create.
More often than not…I feel like I am in the middle a gradual no to teaching. I have no idea why. I’m good at it. I absolutely love the kids, with every fiber of my being. But something is off in my soul. And at some point over the years, I learned to trust my soul, even when the contents of it, the truths and actions that flow from it, make no sense to anyone around me.
Thanks for this reminder. Really.
Audra´s last [type] ..let music do the talking
Wow. Thank you.
Faye Bryant´s last [type] ..Dry
I love reading a post that makes you smile all the way through. This one did it. Just beautiful, Emily.
“My guts are on sale for $13.” That is such a hilarious and perfect way of saying it. I haven’t written a book {though I’ve lived a couple}, but writing publicly on a blog often feels like you’re posting your innards for the world to see. Sometimes someone unexpected tells me that they read my blog and I don’t know whether to cringe and throw up or turn red and say “thank you.”
Scooper´s last [type] ..This is a Job for Future Mom
This is just awesome. It’s such a counter-culture idea that sometimes, “achieving” less is paves the way for God’s more/better. Sometimes more degrees and certifications just makes us busier, and maybe in the end leaves us contributing less.
I’m a newly-minted physician, just about to start my first real job outside of residency/fellowship training. I am also a mama to a 19-month-old and currently pregnant again. I desperately wish I could take some time off, but the intense amount of academic debt that accumulates over a decade of schooling and forbearance is looming in my face. I wanted to change the world, but I have dreams now about being a grocery-bagger or a barista. I wonder often if I made the right choices.
At the moment, my yes continues to be toward medicine and my patients. I have to believe that burn-out is the expected result of the number of sleepless nights I’ve spent at the hospital and the seemingly endless putting-off of important things that my husband and I long for but haven’t been able to afford. Like a house with a yard. Or even, a regular date night with a babysitter. My hope is that maybe with these basic needs beginning to be met again, that my love for the amazing position I’ve been given will revive itself. My fear is that it won’t.
Cheers to you, Emily, for your bravery in the scary world of letting go of your “qualifications”. Just remembering that it can be done, if it needs to be done, makes me feel scandalously free. Thanks for that
I am so glad your “guts” we’re on sale. Our small bible study group is currently reading, crying and laughing our way through your guts and we love it. Thank you for sharing them.
Being good at something doesn’t automatically mean you should do it.
Thank you Emily
Just what I needed to hear today.
It goes against “the grain” and as I call them “the They”.
And it’s OK
Sue TR´s last [type] ..Black Belts
I don’t know how you live in real life, whether you’re living a good story, but what I do know is that you’re very good at what you do now for a job! In fact, if you’re not tasting grace then I’d have to say you’re actually extraordinarily good at what you do – so convincing… Thank you for sending me the book, too. I love it. Honestly sometimes I look at my bookshelf that has some Christian books on and I could throw away all but so few if I was actually going to keep them for me and not for the fact that I use them in work… And yours would be among them. The keepers I mean.
I mean. Seriously. You’re my favorite.
AnnieBlogs´s last [type] ..Don’t waste your summer.
You write so wonderfully! I don’t know how we have been in the blogosphere together and not bumped into each other.
Subscribing now… Thank you!
Duane Scott´s last [type] ..unwrapping His promises {the promise of heaven}
Wow, this really spoke to my heart today! For the past few months, I’ve been wavering on something that I feel like God is leading me to do…because doing it means stepping away from an opportunity/involvement that feels very connected to my sense of identity and worth. Which means there will be a sense of loss when I step down. But your reflection reminds me that, in stepping away from one thing, I’ll be stepping toward another…and there’s value and purpose in that, too. Thanks for that reminder! =)
Thanks, Emily. I’m writing on the on the ground practical life of Practicing the Presence of God and am scared to death that I will get to the end of the book and not have learned to live with God here, now.
Thanks as always for your honesty.
Summer
Summer@athirstforGod.com´s last [type] ..Where I Learned How to do Friendship
This has been on my heart for a while. I’ve been teetering on the edge of making a decision to turn away from my current path I’m on…to pursue something else. I’m not sure what that something is yet…but I know God will help me out with that. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing with us. You have such a way with words….
I believe life is all about the stories we collect. And as for following God, I think it’s those little hunches we receive – the ones we often ignore.
Karyn´s last [type] ..Photo Blogging 101, Part 2
This was such an uplifting post for me. You have such a gift with words. And the particular story of your life was so encouraging. I feel in many ways like I have “left” what I trained to do. Sometimes I wonder if it is the right thing. This post reminded me that it is. Thank you. Again.
Johanna´s last [type] ..Are you in mom-fatigue?
One more thing. Thanks for the invite to join in the “story-telling.” The timing was freakishly perfect. I’d been sorting through all kinds of thoughts about the issue of story and this was the perfect opportunity to write it out. So I did.
Your last comment said it all. Real translates.
“Being good at something doesn’t automatically mean you should do it.” – I think I needed to hear that tonight!
I, for one, am grateful you said the gradual no and eventual yes to put your ‘guts’ on sale at Barnes & Noble. I love your guts to pieces!
Wow. I really needed this. And it’s rare that someone writes with specifics that I feel like it’s my story. Except that I’m still in the midst of knowing what it is exactly I’m saying “no” to, but I know it’s so I can focus on mothering and writing.
Trina {Beginner Beans}´s last [type] ..Project Eliminate Week 4 {love the place you live}
Wow.
I am blown away. This. Was. Amazing.
JoAnn´s last [type] ..Sometimes I Write Stuff Down So I Remember It When The Superheroes Move Out
This made me tear up, too–because the trust part is truly hard. It looks so romantic when hearing it from spiritual giants talk about it…but in the muck of it, it is so scary. This letter is another one of those steps to God’s plan for your life, Emily. So happy to read along.
alison´s last [type] ..before sunrise and before sunset
I felt guilty when I finished my fine arts degree only to get married the weekend after graduation. Then again when I chose not to pursue it as a job. Then again every time someone from my childhood asked if I was still doing art. You’re right, just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to do that for the world, to make them feel like your talent is being “properly used” or to entertain them. I chose being a wife and friend and mother. It’s not like art ever fed my soul or was a form of expression to me. Maybe I’ll do it someday and like it, but I don’t have time for it now because of beautiful children and community that loves practically and a husband who makes me feel safe and loved and deserves the same.
p.s. I have always wanted to write again – haven’t much since childhood, though I do have a blog (for sharing our lives with friends and relatives far away, of course). Every time a friend writes something I wish I were doing that.
Danielle´s last [type] ..Can You Deal With This Cuteness?
“Being good at something doesn’t mean you should automatically do it.”
That’s where I am right now. After a few years of being sifted I don’t want to just do what I’m good at anymore. I’m searching God for answers, for direction. It’s a time of discovery. In the process I’ve launched a blog. My heart has drawn me to to that. And as I write, I don’t necessarily write about what I thought I’d be writing about. I may not be good at it. But, maybe that’s one reason we don’t continue with what we’re good at…there’s so much more room for growth when we launch out into new areas.
Thanks for sharing your journey Emily. God is doing amazing things with your sweet obedient heart.
Diane | An Extrardinary Day´s last [type] ..Everything {made} Beautiful
This post made me cry. I identify so strongly with your desire and calling to write and to leave behind the thing you are good at, but perhaps not called to. I read your newsletter this morning and God clearly spoke to me and let me know that fear is what was holding me back from telling people anything about my writing. So I held on tight and put it all out there on my blog today. And then I read this post today, and feel like it is further confirmation that I’m being called into something different than what I’m doing right now (teaching). To influence. That feels like an arrogant thing to say, but sometimes I think fear disguises itself as humility.
All that to say, thank you for writing. You have certainly influenced me in a dramatic way that’s pointed me right back to our Creator. So I’d say this is something you’re good at too.
So looking forward to taking your seminar at SheSpeaks!
Kayse @ Finding Hope´s last [type] ..I Have A Secret
Sometimes it’s hard on our self-esteem when our story changes. I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. I’ve turned my back on some career paths, in order to marry my husband and now stay home with our little girl. I find myself questioning what will be next. Where is God now taking me? The past has definitely instilled some things in me for the future, I’m just not sure what they are yet. Thank you for your honest thoughts!
Meg´s last [type] ..The Little Things
Wonderful story about learning to live a great story! Thinking of visiting Prodigal Magazine and daring myself to write.
Deanna´s last [type] ..I’m spotlighted on Women of Passionate Purpose today!
I just saw it was only a one day blog series. Whew, got out of that one! Kidding
Deanna´s last [type] ..I’m spotlighted on Women of Passionate Purpose today!
Emily, thank you for this. Your story is more beautiful for being told. Thanks for following, for walking into more beauty. As always, I love your blog!
Alie´s last [type] ..Good things
Yellow has always been my mom’s favorite color. I used to like pink and teal, but yellow has grown on me in recent years.
I think (especially after reading this post) maybe it’s because the older I get the more I want to be brave. And yellow does represent that – it’s so vibrant – it makes me think (and apparently you too) of being fully alive.
And that requires boldness, and, like you said, the willingness to say “no” to some things, even some good things, in order to emphatically say “yes” to things that will be great for us and for others.
Thanks for sharing your heart Emily, here and in your book. It’s such a joy to discover a space of grace, on the web no less.
Many blessings.
This story is awesome awesomeness, Emily. I love reading more about your past – you are like a little onion, peeling back a layer here, a layer there.
I went all the way through my undergraduate years thinking I was going to be a high school English teacher. Until I got into the classroom and HATED it. My mentor was devastated when I decided not to pursue teaching — evidently I was good at it…but inside, I died a little every time I stood in front of that chalkboard. I went to graduate school instead…because, you know, that’s what you do as an English major who has absolutely no idea what to do. That eventually led to writing — first for newspapers and magazines and corporations and then eventually on my own. What a journey! Your story here conjured up all those memories for me…I think I may have a blog post coming on! Thanks for the inspiration.
Michelle DeRusha´s last [type] ..Hear It on Sunday, Use It on Monday: Hope in a Text
Hello Emily,
I am Maddalena and I live in Genova Italy. At hte moment I am reading your book and it is very inspiring, but I have a question:
My problem is that I don’t know Who I am anymore; I am 42 and I had a mask all my life and now that you are helping me to understand that I do not know who I really are.
Howe may I discover my very soul?
Thanks
Maddalena
This was so good to read and speaks right to where I am and have been.
Joyce´s last [type] ..Totally Tubular Hodgepodge Vol 78
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your heart struggles and being open and vulnerable to let me into your story. I have given up dreams, I have been given dreams and I am waiting on dreams. But through it all I am reminded that I am living a story, and no matter what comes, the important thing is to focus on how I live out my story, not what I might or might not have in the midst of it.
Katherine´s last [type] ..There Will Never Be Another You
Thank you for saying no and for saying yes. Your writing inspires me to do the same. When I started my blog I wrote a very short “About me” page. It was too hard to explain where I had been and what I had said no to on the way to saying yes. I was/am afraid of being misunderstood, discounted, criticized. But the “yes” has been said and wherever it takes me I find each day that it was the only answer I could give. Recently, I went back and rewrote that page. I am growing into who I am. Thanks for helping me see that I can.
Wow. I read this three times before I commented. Truly, this could have been written about me, except that I was an interpreter/translator for Spanish speakers for almost six years before God took me out and placed me at home to school my little ones and minister to people in my neighborhood. It was quite an adjustment, and I like you had to say no for a long time before the door was truly shut. Sometimes I miss the days of being that communication bridge, but God has affirmed multiple times in multiple ways that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. Thank you, thank you for writing this. Blessings to you.
Liz @ The HomeStyle´s last [type] ..{Combat Clutter} Have a garage sale with me! (part two)
Beautiful!! Thanks for sharing your heart, gift, and passion! Your blog is a blessing to me.
mindy´s last [type] ..embrace the camera: march 1
Thanks a lot for the article post.Much thanks again. Really Cool.
Have you ever clicked on a blog led to another, and then another?
Today, I had an interview I didn’t even know I was going to have. At the end, I was presented with what could be an amazing opportunity if it worked out as planned. A great salary. Great visibility in my industry that could lead to bigger and better things in the future. My stomach churned as a sat there listening. Years ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to give this a whirl. My husband and a friend told me I would be crazy NOT to take it.
Crazy? Maybe that is the word for my hesitation. Or maybe that “Still Small Voice” was speaking to me. “This is not what I have called you to do.” How could I ever explain this decision to anyone? Months ago, the business I have had for years has begun to slow and to my great surprise, I am not upset by it (as your blog mentions also!). I am coming to terms with the fact that God has called me to be a homeschooling mom. He (nor I) want my kids to remember me as being on the phone and computer all the time. I have finally let go of making it big in my industry and instead focusing on leaving a legacy in my children.
Then opportunity presents itself. Inner turmoil ensues. And 3 blogs letter, I see these words “Being good at something doesn’t automatically mean you should do it.”
Thank you for your words, written 4.5 months ago but meant for me, today. God has allowed you to influence. Thank you!
Lisa, I’m glad to know anything I say could encourage you today, even something from four and a half months ago! I hope your homeschooling is an adventure your whole family will look back on and be thankful for – I also hope you know that even if you chose to “make it big in your industry” it wouldn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t also be able to leave a legacy in your children.
Love it, thanks for spilling your guts at B&N and here…you get 5 stars from me! xoxo
Danielle´s last [type] ..Thursday Treasures
Hello. I have just found your site due to your writings on (in)Courage. I have now read several of your posts, signed up for your newsletter and “liked” you on Facebook. And, normally, I stop there. But tonight there is something about your writing that makes me want to connect with you even more. The way you talk of colors and how they relate to life is so me. And then the cloud images, I am so drawn to the clouds. We were singing the hymn in church of “cloudless days” and I just stopped and thought “no”, I don’t want the clouds to be gone. They can fill my face with a smile and my heart with a spoon full of awe in an instant. Please know I truly appreciate you and your writing!
Merry Christmas! And a happy and glorious new year!
Thanks so much for that, Monica. I’m thrilled you have found a connection here. Merry Christmas to you and to yours.