Welcome to the first official week of our loosely organized summer book club/discussion/read-along. Today we’ll be discussing Chapters 1 – 3 of Grace for the Good Girl. You may also wish to join us on Facebook where we’ll continue discussion in a closed group, for those who aren’t comfortable leaving their thoughts in the comments.
the first thing you need to know
Reading this book for some people can be a little like being lost on a desert island your whole life. But then you finally get your hands on a mirror and you’re all, Who is that person and why is she such a wreck?! The number one thing I want to say to you as we get started is this: be kind with yourself this week. The first half of the book can be hard to get through, especially if this is your first time confronting some of the exhausting ways you do life.
As you have read the first few chapters and are considering what part of you is in hiding and what part of you is just you, take heart. You do not have to figure this thing out. You are not a fragmented, pieced out pile of mish-mash parts. Resist the urge to categorize yourself into good, bad, or indifferent. Avoid the temptation to look at your life and hang on to some parts and throw out others.
I know it can be overwhelming – Am I hiding? Is this a mask? Is this really me? Who am I?! Might I make a suggestion? Instead of attempting to graph out those questions in your 3-ring binder or a bullet-point outline, would you be willing to take them and carry them around in your pocket? The old way of doing life is to take it with both hands and attempt to figure it out. But if the work Jesus did on the cross is as complete as we say we believe it is, then it has to be big enough for this, too.
Here’s the bottom line – You are complete, known, and found already. But you might not know it yet. And that is the reason why I wrote this book. Allow yourself to sit down on the inside as you read, to practice believing that even though things might feel a bit upside down, you are safe in Christ. You really are.
the 3 things I hear most often
Here’s the thing. There are many women who will never, ever connect with my book. They have struggles, but being a good girl isn’t one of them. I learned pretty early on that some women don’t get the good girl thing. I wish I was one of them.
But for the next eight weeks, I’m talking with women who do struggle in these ways, women who worry they are both too much and not enough, women who are tired of the try-hard life. Among us, there are a few things I hear a lot. I thought it might be interesting for you to know what they are.
1. “Have you been reading my journal?” Many women read parts of the introduction out loud to their husbands or friends because they think it describes them so well. This amazes me. This is proof that, even if I am indeed a crazy person, at least I am not crazy by myself.
2. “I’m 55 years old and …” This one always makes me smile big. I have been so surprised how many women start their emails off this way. Something about the 55-year-olds compels them to tell me their age, which I think is awesome. Maybe it’s because they didn’t expect to connect with the concepts in the book and are generally surprised when they do.
3. “I thought I was the only one.” Many women are simply relieved to finally have a name to put on that invisible expectation they have been living with their whole lives. I know I was relieved to finally have a way to talk about this stuff.
Two things a lot of you said last week when I introduced the series: 1) You are nervous. And 2) you have already read the book once but are looking forward to having a place to discuss it with others who get it. I’m happy to provide a bench for you to sit on together. In my experience, freedom and authority to resist fear comes more easily in community than when I’m on my own. And even though community with hands and feet and coffee is better, I hope some of you can find community here as well.
So welcome. As you read from Texas, Denmark, California, Australia, Italy, Virginia, Ohio, Canada, Switzerland, Iraq, South Carolina (and a special hello to my college roommate down in South Florida and her group of 17 who are going through the book together – I love you, Faith!) as well as so many other cities in the US and around the world. We’re glad you’re here.
because they’re people
Remember that Friends episode where Phoebe and Rachel go running through Central Park and Rachel gets embarrassed because Phoebe runs like a lunatic? Her arms flailed about and her legs look like frog legs and Rachel just didn’t want to be associated with Phoebe and all her elbows. When Phoebe confronts her and asks why she cares so much what people think, Rachel responds, “Because they’re people!“
And so it has gone for me.
“If you wonder what gives you the authority to define me, I will say it is because you exist.” page 17
This week we read chapters 1 – 3 where we explored the definition of the good girl as well as two places where she often hides: behind her performance and her good reputation. That quote, the one about you having the authority to define me? It isn’t true. But I wrote it in present tense on purpose, because when I’m listening to that good girl in my head, that statement feels true.
This reputation thing? It is a hard road to learn to release your reputation into the hands of God. Good girls aren’t often confronted with that. We have great reputations, right?! But what about when someone thinks something about you that isn’t true? Or what if they misunderstand something you did or said? Your character may be in tact but your image isn’t. And that is a place where good girls start to lose their Ever. Lovin. Minds.
Maybe it isn’t people-pleasing for you. Maybe it’s something really different, something not in the book but just as powerful. (We’ll talk about six more hiding places in the weeks to come.) No matter what it is, I’ll bet you one thing is for sure: it has everything to do with fear and not much to do with love.
Fear drives, pushing and shoving. But …
“God can do anything you know–far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”
Ephesians 3:20, Message
Fear pushes and shoves us around, but Love leads deeply and gently within us. As we continue to read this week, as you wrestle with those questions in your pocket, one question you can ask yourself that might help begin to tease out the answers is this: Am I being motivated by fear or by love?
You are a whole person. A whole, complete-in-Christ person. Fear pulls us apart. Love holds us together.
group discussion
Don’t try to strangle the good girl all at once. That’s just another form of the try-hard life, the very thing we want to release. Simply, read. Be open. Listen. Engage with others who are also reading, open, and listening. Lean hard into Jesus. Then, think about this question and answer in the comments if you feel comfortable.
What do you feel pushed around by? Others expectations? Your need to be needed? Your to-do list? People’s opinions? You can answer this question in the comments or on Facebook, or you can ask a question of your own. There is no wrong here – but I do want to kindly ask if you would resist the urge to preach at one another. Let’s connect, encourage, and seek to understand. But let’s never slap easy answers on difficult questions. I have to say that now before anyone has done it. I hope you understand what I mean. And also? This might be the longest post I’ve ever written. Amen.
7 things to do before next week:
- Get a copy of the book. It’s never too late to join us. (Amazon, B&N, LifeWay, Family Christian).
- Join the closed Facebook group where discussion is happening as we speak.
- Sign up for the book club if you haven’t already. If you already subscribe to get my monthly newsletter, simply update your preferences to include the book club.
- If you are on Twitter, we’ll use the hashtag #graceforthegoodgirl (unless you can tell me something shorter)
- If you have blog, consider writing your own post on Thursdays and hosting discussion with your own readers. Scroll down to the bottom of this page and grab the book button for your post if you’d like.
- Read chapters 4 – 6 for next week.
- Be kind to yourself.
*
This excites me. Seeing women connect with you and each other over something so remarkably life-changing… it’s awesome.
And, ladies who are new to the journey, I am living proof that the hard work of not doing any work and trusting your Savior to show up is worth it. Totally and completely.
And I still totally get pushed around by what other people think of me. I don’t want to look stupid, and I struggle to surrender my right to be right.
Looking forward to this, Emily! This book stirred up a whole lot of something in my mind last year (in a good way!)
amanda d´s last [type] ..hidden scars
I can remember years of feeling suffocated by the ‘good girl’ syndrome. It literally gave me stomachaches. Still does at times. It rears its ugly head in different forms at different stages I’ve noticed. Lately it’s been the weight of the trying to be everything to all and what they expect. The never being enough thing used to be #1, always, … And so exhausting and defeating. Now the exhaustion is from overcompensating, I’m sure, in the adult years – almost to make up for what I couldn’t provide earlier in my life. Always that never enough, inadequacy – and also the pressure of being categorized. The being told, “this is what you’re all about , now run with that, use it.” – when I wasn’t ready to. Does this make sense? I feel like I’m babbling nonsense but, miraculously, it makes sense to me. I think writing it out is so healthy – this is good; it forces you to acknowledge and spell it out.
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last [type] ..Share your thoughts (and today’s Link)
Kerry,
Yes, it makes sense! Trying to meet everyone’s expectations and still trying to be true to yourself. That’s been hard work for me and so painful when I have to choose between one or the other. The struggle with trying to meet expectations is esp real during the seasons of life with a young baby. I just can’t hold it all together and keep up with what I believe everybody desires from me. My hands feel strapped and my body exhausted. I hate not being able to live up to what I think I should.
Those days of trying to juggle it all and stay on top are so easy to recall … Especially when my first two were newborns. Katie you are NOT expected to hold it all together! I wish more moms would tell other moms that. We put so many expectations on ourselves for motherhood even before we’re mamas. And then moreso afterward and the bliss we imagined can so quickly be dashed. It is exhausting. I will say that it got easier for me with #3 & 4 babes. I didn’t put near the pressure on myself, I recognized what my breaking points looked like before they hit, and I enjoyed being their mom so much more. Still do. Doesn’t mean it’s not all still really challenging many days, but my perspective is healthier and I accept how I can’t handle it all always. I also stopped listening to certain types of advice from certain types of people that made me feel worse rather than encouraged! My littles are 12, 9, 4 & 2 now. It does get better and easier in some respects. Hang in there and do what you can each day. That’s all you CAN do. Will pray for those difficult baby days! Don’t put lofty expectations on yourself – you’re still human.
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last [type] ..Share your thoughts (and today’s Link)
Thanks for your encouragement, Kerry:) It’s great to hear from moms who are a few steps ahead. My girls are 7, 3, and 7 months. It’s not so much motherhood that I struggle with, it’s everything else on top of motherhood. Motherhood would feel pretty blissful if there wasn’t much else that had to get done! It’s the emails and extended family and errands and church involvement, etc.. that can feel like too much. Once I give to my kids all day long (we also homeschool) there’s just not much left at the end of the day. I’m not too bad at setting boundaries (not helping with VBS, etc) but I feel guilty about doing so when I’m not giving as I think I should. I want to be a thoughtful, helpful, encouraging friend/servant to all in my path, but I just can’t do all, or even much, of what I’d like to. And I’m realizing that I think I’ve let my identity be found in how thoughtful or encouraging or sweet I am. And so now I’m stuck trying to figure who I am when I can’t be all those things.
I want to say something to you, Katie. My children are 43, 41, 33 and 30. I need to put some thought into what I want to say to you as a mother and grandmother, age 63 – my grandchildren are 21,20, 19. Just started reading the comments so I will come back to you after I have put my thoughts together.
I don’t know everything about your life…you may have things that you live with that I cannot understand. As a woman of age 64 with children aged 44, 42, 34, and 31 and grandchildren aged 21 – 6, I have lived many of the ordeals that you have. No one can ever prepare a woman or man for all that they may have to deal with by deciding to have children. I hesitate to tell a Mother who is struggling to deal with a 2 year old’s antics that she will one day think back on this time and smile but not so much relish having to bail this same child out of jail on her 50th birthday… I’m laughing because I did that and also have to tell you that same child is still a joy to me and wonderful. What I want to “scream” to young Moms is this…trust yourself…quit listening to everyone else…do what you think is best for YOUR child.
Gotcha, Katie. I understand what you’re saying here… Thanks for sharing more specifics. You’re not alone in this, either. I could blab on but I’m anxious to see what Mary adds to this!
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last [type] ..Share your thoughts (and today’s Link)
I get pushed around and stomped on daily by responsibility. Because clearly, no one else is going to be responsible. So I must.
And lately, like for the past 12 years, I am being harassed by my kids’ expectations. Yeah, those push me, too.
I think the core fear is this: “If I don’t do it, if I let something or someone fall, then they will not like me. And even worse, they won’t like my God.”
Grace breathes life. And I’m here because I need the fresh air.
xoxo,
stacey
Stacey´s last [type] ..What I Wore Wednesday :: Vintage White T-Shirt
I can so relate to what you said about responsibility – - that “if I don’t do it it won’t get done” . . .
I like what you said” Grace breathes life.”
That’s the hardest for me too. The “someone needs to do it and nobody else can/will.” The other thing that pushes me around is when I’m feeling helpless with my special needs kids. It pushes me to invest in things that I feel like I can actually make a difference in. I’ve had to learn how to keep my finger on the pulse of that instinct. It gets tiring!
Laurie Wallin´s last [type] ..20 Ways for Busy Moms to Relax NOW
I can totally relate to what you wrote here! I take everyone elses “to do’s” and I place them on my shoulders. Just because I don’t want anything to fall through the cracks. I don’t want to let anything go. I don’t want to be seen as failing in any area. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. It’s exhausting.
that is so exhausting, Hannah. I can’t think of any other word.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
Me, too.
I think I learned it from my grandma. She’s such a strong woman, and all I’ve ever wanted was to be just like her. She always had the cleanest house, the most delicious meals, the perfect prayers, the …well I could go on forever. She did everything “right” and never asked for help. Why is it so hard to ask for help?
I’m probably most pushed around by feeling responsible for any good that I want to see happen. What you said, Emily, about resisting the urge to get all this figured out really hit home. It made me realize that I feel most responsible for my spiritual growth. I’ve been walking with Jesus for twenty years now and I really feel like I should be more mature. I should be more godly. If only I could be better at consistently practicing the spiritual disciplines, then I’d more regularly be in a place for God to change me. In my spiritual life I vacillate between success and failure. When the Lord shows me some deep truth, I feel sucessful at being in a place to hear. When I’m not growing as I think I should, I feel like it’s my fault. If only I could be more disciplined, etc., etc.
I think a lot of people feel that way, Katie. (by the way, whenever I type Katie I accidentally type Kaite first. Every. Time.)
I used to think there would be a day when I was grown up when I would feel super faithful. Instead, in some ways it FEELS like I’m becoming more of a mess. And maybe I am. What I’m learning is that isn’t a bad thing. It keeps me small, dependent, desperate. It’s not a bad place to be.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I certainly feel this way a lot Katie! But I just recently realised something: so often, after what I feel has been a failure in my walk, in my life, in my learning, in my understanding or discernment or spiritual growth, in my accomplishments, in my progress, I’ll look up from my own little bubble and see that God has been working in the deep, quiet places of my soul. Places that I’m not even aware exist until Jesus shows them to me and says, “See, I healed you here. This is what you needed.” I’m slowly starting to learn – and trust! – that His timing really is best.
Well, for starters I am pushed around by what others think. So much so that today I am at home because my “good girl” is too vain to be seen with the small colony of fever blisters that have taken up residence on my upper lip. Stress induced no doubt from being pushed around by worry and fear. Yeah for an outward sign of an inward struggle!
Mostly though I am pushed around by my expectation to hold it together and “be ok” with my long distance marriage. We’ve been married 8 years and have spent the past 3 living in different states. I have struggled this entire time with the choice b/w fear and love. I have allowed my fear of abandonment and rejection to literally consume me some days. But I’m not “ok,” and I’m not one to stuff my feelings. I don’t wear that mask at all. It comes out in all sorts of ugly crying and tears and those “blaming” kinds of arguments with my husband. And then I think “ok, if I can just not do that again, we’ll get through this.” So I put all the expectation on myself instead of Jesus.
Emily – I love that you used the verse from Ephesians. Funny – that is the verse I’ve been saying over and over to myself for the past two days. Lord Jesus, help me to remember and to trust that you are the God of “immeasurably more.”
Holly B´s last [type] ..Narnia and My Niece
I’m so glad you’ve been saying that verse to yourself, Holly. It’s one of my favorites.
And I had to smile, picturing you with the small colony of fever blisters. I would have stayed home too, I think.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
What am I pushed around by? Oh my goodness! I think it might be easier to share what I am NOT pushed around by. Seriously. OK, we’re being real, right? I’m not sure I want to go here right now, but I oh so desperately need to. I am pushed around by the self-imposed expectations of doing/saying the right things at the right time and being the right type of woman,wife,mother,daughter,friend,etc. always, without fail. The voice that silently screams so loud for me to do rather than be. The one that tells me “If you mess up, you’ll get in trouble.” even though I am old enough to know it simply isn’t so. Thank you for the gift of truth and the courage to share it with the rest of us.
Becky´s last [type] ..What Time Is It?
I think it’s other people’s expectations, although the funny thing is as my husband likes to point out, “that they are YOUR expectations you make yourself believe others think”…what a horrible muddle that one is.
I don’t know this is entirely the case all the time, because when you’ve done things a certain (efficient! well done! perfect!) way for a long time, people do expect much of you and if you are having a hard time–even though put together on the outside–they just can’t believe it when you want to do less. That’s when the guilt sets in. Should I be able to handle it? Am I giving myself too much freedom? Am I not serving others and serving myself? Questions like that never seem to stop!
Sarah M
Sarah M´s last [type] ..Be Right Back: Blogging Break
Oh man. I relate Sarah. Yes, there are a lot of expectations I put on myself. And because of how I’ve been so “good” there is a lot people expect of me. So it’s like when I actually practice being the “new me” they wonder where the “real” me went to? So there’s the bind…and where the lie tries to take root in my mind…”I HAVE to live up to this…it’s who I am…” Not true! Letting go of this stuff is so so hard.
I’m pushed around by my own expectations. Sometimes it paralyzes me… I KNOW I won’t do it like I think I should, so I don’t even try. Lord, help me =)
I have so enjoyed these first three chapters. SO much has resonated with me… and I’m not so much afraid as excited. I’m guessing my fear will come when I actually pull off the masks.
So, my first step is this… I’m not perfect, because I can never figure out how to “grab” the buttons for my blog. Anyone care to help this good girl out?
Peace, love,and God’s blessings to each of you!
Lauren
This took me forever (which I decided made me a failure because I am 24 and should know how to do this). Ok to “grab” in blogger you copy the HTML code below the photo (that random text that means nothing coherent to you) and then go to your post. My blogger shows two tabs above a post “rich text” and “html” switch over to HTML and paste that random gibberish at the end of your post. When you click back over to the “rich text” tab the button magically appears! And then you can drag that thing wherever you want in the post.
However if you’re not on blogger…I’m stumped. Who can do this on WordPress?
Kasey M.´s last [type] ..Get on That Already!
Thank you! Got it figured out. I knew you copy/pasted the link, but wasn’t sure where it was supposed to go. =)
Lauren´s last [type] ..The Amazing Race
I know I’m going to LOVE this! I think the part that rings true for me is trying to ‘make up’ for not being a good girl for a number of years before I met Jesus. Since then, I think I believed in part the quote by the pastor you mentioned – that I need to be a good commercial for God. Parenting ESPECIALLY is a place where I feel I need to do well. I am so aware of thinking the things that you talk about – why don’t I want to spend hours on the floor with my kids, or hand make our Christmas gifts to teachers and friends, or teach my kids knitting, or spend lots of time in bible study with them…see what I mean??
Thanks SO much for doing this, Em.
That’s a familiar one – the trying to “make up for it” syndrome. yes, I see what you mean. So many of us do.
I’m glad you’re here. I hope you find some kindred spirits here.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I blogged about my good girl fears at newlifesteward.com (Wednesday’s post) but basically realized that a lot of my “good girl” behavior was motivated by fear. Fear of losing my good girl reputation and fear of the consequences of bad behavior. Instead I want my motives to be to honor the Lord. I want Him to be the one working in my life.
Mary Beth
newlifesteward.com
Mary Beth´s last [type] ..Introducing T {SquareD}
This book put to words what I have been feeling for so long. I highlighted so much through the first three chapters and just wanted to scream YES YES YES! I realized that I have assumed this mold I thought people wanted me to be or that I was suppose to be as a Christian and I got lost a long the way. I struggle with wanting to “be myself” but not knowing what that means. I want to come out of hiding and remove the mask, but its a scary trek into the unknown. But I’ll get there. And am ready to share with all the other lovely ladies here. Thank you Emily, for asking the hard questions and helping us take a deep breath so we can rest fully in who we are and who we are in Christ.
hannah @ honestly here´s last [type] ..broken to action.
Just reading through the first three chapters, my internal conversation has been:
“Yup… Yup… I remember learning that about myself. Oh yes, I used to feel that way too. Why didn’t I ever think to talk about this? Yes. Exactly!”
So glad that this message is out there and accessible. I had to learn so much of this on my own through grit and struggle. This book is a gift!
Eyvonne´s last [type] ..The Great Divide
I struggled for a long time with being pushed around by what others through of me. I have since abandoned that way of thinking, but fallen into another. Now, I am totally pushed around by my own expectations for myself (and others, really), and most definitely by my to-do list. Everything seems like so much more than I can give, and I regularly feel like a failure. I silently beg others to affirm in me what I don’t affirm in myself (that I’m enough just the way God’s made me, that my list is one I’ve made myself and it’s ok if not everything gets done, that really I’m more important than a list), and when they don’t, I just get angry and bitter at all the things I “have” to do. I’m still really bring to work through this one. It’s a hard mindset for a stubborn perfectionist to let go of! So grateful for this study, and for the chance to re-read your book, Emily.
Kayse @ Finding Hope´s last [type] ..Road Rage
I resonate with your post, Kayse. I feel like I just jump from what I get pushed around by! Right now it seems to be my to do list, but of someone asked me to do something today, it would be the expectations of others. I feel like I have become better at saying “No” instead of saying yes out feelings of obligations to another instead of God, but if they give me even the least bit of a hard time, I am a mess. I am so disturbed that what they think of me might not be accurate, or what I want them to think of me!
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I fear that I am pushed around by what I think other people think or will think of me. I often gauge my actions and responses with a quick mental check of how it will “appear” to those around me. Will they understand my actions? Do I need to explain myself to someone before I do something that could potentially be misunderstood? What you said in your post about my character being in tact, but not my image – yeah, that. That’s what I worry about. Too much.
Thank you so much for your book and this forum. I’m really interested to see where the discussion goes and to read the rest of the book. I started doing battle with my inner “good girl” years ago. It turns out to be a long process, not a quick transformation. There is a lot of joyful discovery as I sort out what other people want from me vs. what God wants from me and realize that he is more generous than I ever dared imagine. There was a pendulum swing from the flawless good girl to a sort of rebellious “hey, I don’t have to be a good girl for you.” I’m working to find a balance where I can exercise some mature perspective about when to fulfill others’ expectations and when I need to take care of myself even if it disappoints someone else. The old cliche says “you can’t please everyone all the time,” but nobody teaches you how to live with knowing you’ve disappointed someone, and that it was necessary.
Oh I love your thought that ‘nobody teaches you how to live with knowing you’ve disappointed someone…” How true that is for good girls!!! Even (maybe especially) when its ourselves we’ve disappointed!!
‘nobody teaches you how to live with knowing you’ve disappointed someone…”
And with our impossible expectations of ourselves there is always disappointment going on!
I HATE dealing with disappointment and so I avoid things that might disappoint. Even silly things like home decorating that’s not just right…..
” nobody teaches you how to live with knowing you’ve disappointed someone, and that it was necessary.” Yes yes! I completely agree! I hate to disappoint others, particularly when the “only” reason I need to do it is in order to take care of myself properly. It seems so selfish! (Selfish is a terrible word by the way. Absolutely awful!)
Kasey M.´s last [type] ..Get on That Already!
“…nobody teaches you how to live with knowing you’ve disappointed someone, and that it was necessary.”
Wow. That is a huge, huge idea. That’s given me a lot to think about, Laura – thank you so much for sharing it!
Francesca
Laura, I’m so glad you said that. SO glad you said that, about nobody teaching us how to deal when we have disappointed someone. Because that’s the thing! That’s the very thing.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
Hi Emily,
I had to smile when I read #2 above, as I am 54!
The need/fear to keep everything from falling apart pushes me around, and if it could all just be perfect, pretty, and pleasant, that would be great. But of course, life is not like that, and so I.hide.
Ephesian 3:20 in the Message means so much right now, that God cares enough to work “deeply and gently within us.”
Thank you so much for this study!
karen:)
I already am benefitting so much from this experience and reading all of the comments here (I haven’t even clicked over to the facebook page yet!)
I am desperately afriad of being unable to support myself (emotionally, financially, etc.). I have never lost a home, gone without food, or struggled from poverty and I’d like to acknowledge that my parents have given me a great gift by providing for me so well. Now that I am an adult (20s, educated, paying off student debt) I am absolutely terrified of making any choices that include stepping a toe off the beaten path and taking financial risk. Which butts right up against my number two fear: that I will never take risk and as a result I will lead a meaningless (purposeless) life.
Kasey M.´s last [type] ..Get on That Already!
I’m sixty-five and………it really is hard to shed this good girl self. For me it has always been finding my worth in what others think of me. Please, please think well of me. It is a heavy weight to carry around – especially when I feel I have somehow messed up and you don’t like me any more. Then there is that struggle to justify myself and change your mind because really – I am a good girl.
So in reality what I perceive as being motivated by love is really fear. What if I leave it up to the Lord and they all think less of me somehow? I am slowly learning to release it – knowing He loves me just as I am and that He is trustworthy.
Linda´s last [type] ..My Dad and D-Day
Linda,
I’m 64…want to get back to you but I’m still reading. I think we have an interesting perspective to add to some of the angst I am hearing from younger “good girls”. I will definitely come back to you as I really want to get your perspective on this discussion
yes! You do have perspective! And “angst” is the perfect word.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I work in a business where I am the oldest. It is a wonderful environment so I have no complaint there. What I do observe about the young women having children and careers is that they seem so pressured to always be doing
“the right thing” by their children. Maybe we had more freedom in “our day” by not being so “judged”. At one point with my 3rd child, I thought that I should put him into the pre-school at our church Montessori school. A wise person said to me, “If you are a Stay-At-Home-Mom (not a term used at the time) he’s better off with you.” Mother’s today are so pressured to be way more “perfect” than I was and I don’t know how they are surviving. Trust yourself…I want to say…they are your children and know one can tell you better than yourselves what is best for them
I am pushed around by fear and insecurity. So much so that I’ve been struggling with a big decision in my marriage. I feel tremendous guilt at times for the way I feel and I worry how it is affecting my marriage relationship.
That’s so hard, Julie, especially when it’s involving such an intimate relationship as marriage. I hope you are able to find some hope here.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I definitely think that I am motivated by the fear of what people will think of me if my life is “bad” rather than good. However, now that my kids are older, I’m at a point in my life where, even if I want to, I can’t control their actions and behaviors anymore (despite deeply wanting to!). They are making their own choices, sometimes good, and sometimes bad, and I can’t keep hiding my “failures” anymore. Funny thing is though, that as much as I want to keep hiding, I can’t. And God is using the things out in the open to show me that I’m not really alone, and I’m not really a failure, and I’m not really such a good girl after all either! He’s bringing other people and situations into my life to show me just how much He IS there, in charge of everything.
Still… It’s this constant battle in me wanting to fix everything so it’s “just right!”
Christine, your comment really resonated with me, because I often want to hide my failures as a mom too. My kids are younger (7 and 4), but our 7 year old has been really difficult to parent. It is SO HARD for me to send him to school each day, and not have any control over his behavior or the choices he makes. Since I was generally well-behaved as a child (a good girl!), it is so shameful for me to have a child who doesn’t care about following the rules. So I am really have to learn not to wrap myself so much into it, and to give both he and myself some grace.
Marcia´s last [type] ..some thoughts on middle faith
What do I feel pushed around by? I think I may have found the answer in CH. 3 (But I am still open to the answer changing-I think:-)-trying to just carry it in my pocket… ) What you wrote about Jesus not working to maintain a good reputation, not valuing what people thought but valuing people, period…I want that, to know that Jesus and to live like Him. You had us walk back in history to a point in time when we may have been encouraged to maintain a good reputation-I am sure there were many points but one stood out as it has probably, without me really realizing until a few years ago, defined my view of grace and what it looks like by definition. I was 11 and my family and I had just started attending church-I used a slang word in my speech to some of the church girls I met ( the word was “dang”-gasp! I know…)They looked at each other and then at me and one of the girls said, not too nicely, “we don’t use that word”. As a new Christian trying to figure out what a Christian is anyways, and wanting to make Christian friends, already learning and believing (then) that Christ accepts me where I’m at, potty words and all(and I might add, I had a far worse vocabulary at that age…) I learned I needed to “do” to be accepted. And I have carried that all my life. I need to earn grace-I know what the Bible says about salvation, it’s a free gift and all, it’s by grace you have been saved. But I don’t think I live like that, I don’t think I really see Jesus like that, like He really is, gracious and loving and accepting me where.I’m. at. I’m not a human being-I’m a human doing. And I want to be a human being-and not work to get there! Does that make sense??!! So looking forward to God unlocking my cage and coaxing me out to soar with the eagle’s wings He’s given me.
Ali, I so related to your comment. Like you, I find it hard to accept that it isn’t up to me to behave my way into acceptance, that God loves me as I am, with compassion and grace. Thanks for being open with this – you put into words something that I was struggling with.
Francesca
I think so many of us probably feel the same way-too many…glad we are walking this journey together
God bless you -and set you, (us, all of us), blessedly and blissedly free!!
i am pushed around by the fear of man~ allowing what others think of me, or trying to please EVERYONE, to rule my life! i’ve come a long way with this in my outward actions – - but it’s still in my heart. that constant nagging “worry” in the back of my mind.
i’m ready for freedom WITHIN!
and so far what i’ve read in GFTGG {and peeked ahead a few chapters}
i’m hearing truths i pray will unlock those chains once and for all~
amber@gracetobe´s last [type] ..Friday, June 01, 2012
look at you being all rebel-y and jumping ahead. hehe.
And yes, that freedom from within is the very thing Jesus came to give. You’re on to something there.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I am pushed around by fear and insecurity as well. They have dominated my life. These first chapters have piereced my heart. I stumbled upon this book club at the right time and know that it was no accidental stumble. God lead me to this study for purpose and reason. I have recently began a blog about my life in the middle. I am the middle child and have always been the responsible one. the Good girl. the good child. carrying the weight of responsiblity and goodness since the earliest age that i can remember being, 4. The concept of hiding and masking- that is me. And i am in a season of life where I am being refined by God to life these masks and reveal me without fear and insecurity beating me down…..i look forward to adding this book to my weaponry!
Beautiful words … again.
Fondly,
Glenda
Glenda Childers´s last [type] ..The forgotten member on your short term mission trip (part one)
My thoughts are up on my blog. And my thanks to all of you for being so brave and willing to share what you really feel here – so encouraging! And what a relief to know I’m not alone!
Francesca
Francesca´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl: Week 1
What am I pushed around by? For one, the desire to do everything right the first time (in the most efficient way) every time. And then I push around other people in my life (husband, kids) because they should do it that way too. Awful! Also, my expectations of myself and the girl/mom/wife/friend I think I should be. Or what people tell me they think I am when they see small glimpses of my life and I try to live up to that all of the time. I used to wake up feeling guilty often with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t ever figure out why except that I had disappointed somebody or said or did something wrong. Now I know it was the weight of being a good girl.
I’m looking forward to our weeks together discussing the book! Never before have I felt so at peace after reading a book about living the Christian life. With other books in the past I have come away with more things to add to my “better self” mental list, but not this time! I felt completely undone – yet at peace. My life had become hollow & heavy…until Grace.
2011 was the year I finally began to understand this part of the Lord’s character and this book helped make it so personal!
Thank you, Emily, for giving me words and The Word.
And now I’m going to try to figure out how to get that button on my blog…
Karen, oh wow, your comment hit me hard…about pushing others around too. I do that as well – I not only have high expectations for myself, but for my husband and kids too. I have been thinking a lot about how to give myself more grace, but I definitely need to give others more grace too!
Marcia´s last [type] ..some thoughts on middle faith
that whole part about wanting to do it right the first time? Yeah. That. Well said.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I just blogged my reactions, but so much of what other’s are saying in the comments I can relate to. I’ve been pushed around by others perception of me and by what I’ve gotten my worth from – That whole no one can do it as good as I can do it – yeah, that sums up the past 18 months of my life as I transition out of one church (as their Children’s Director) and into a healthier church for me. It’s hard to leave the children and the programs that I loved behind – and hard to see them continue without me – that part of me that got my worth from those programs, yeah, she’s not too happy. But I know I’m in a better place for me. And I know that the programs were never about me, but were always for God – and God will do with them what HE wants, not what I want (thankfully! Because I’m sure that if it were what I wanted they would have failed long ago!)
The rest of my reaction is here: http://is.gd/39Q4pC
I feel pushed around by others expectations of me (or at least what I perceive they expect of me) and the high expectations I put on myself. The result is feeling like a constant failure.
Last night a friend asked me… “What’s the worst that can happen if you do fail?” True.
Kristin S´s last [type] ..encouragment for today
What pushes me around? What I think you think of me. Oh, my. How I have embarrassed myself sending e-mails to people over-explaining myself or apologizing for things I am worried may have made you not like me anymore. I want you to be happy with me. All the time. And I will worry myself to pieces if I think you might be upset with me about something.
Right now, I am this crazy mix of happy to be reading through your book again but then again so frustrated with myself that I need to read your book again. Frustrated that this is still my default – people-pleasing. I know the Lord loves me. I love Him so. And yet, I fall so easily into the trap of finding my worth in people. And quite honestly, I have been embarrassed by this struggle. Terrified for others to know the full extent of it.
Thanks for your honesty. And for the reminder to be kind to ourselves this week. I so want to strangle my good girl and be DONE with her. But that would, as you said, be more of me trying hard. So I will be kind. I will keep reading. And I will lean hard into Jesus. Thanks, Emily.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Imperfectly Usable
Kimberly, thank you for being so real and open about this struggle. It’s real and legitimate and deeper than “just stop caring what people think!’ It goes down deep and even though I really, truly believe Jesus is big enough to take care of it, I also believe he is gracious enough to walk with us through the struggle of it.
So many of us get it here.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
I am most often pushed around by what I think others will think of me. And, because I have had some really hard to please people in my life, I am regularly am sure that they won’t like or approve of me. So I sit back and let them lead. I let others choose the restaurant, the movie, the time so I won’t give them a reason to dislike me. With some people I have given up trying! (Instead of hiding from them from behind a mask, I hide from them period!)
How I wish I had known I didn’t have to be the “good girl” years ago. I can think of so many times that I chose what was expected or what would please others rather than what I really wanted to do.
I want to learn how to take off the good girl mask, and let others see me as I really am. And for that to happen, I know I need to be so secure of God’s love and acceptance that I am able to risk not receiving those things from everyone that I know.
April´s last [type] ..The Dirt on SSMTC
You ladies are beautiful! Man, expectations!…they seem to drown us in overwhelming responsibility. My most recent dilemma is of the monetary sort. Money! Ahhhhhh! Everything costs money! Always things that need to be paid, lack of money resulting in debt which makes future supply less! I hate it!
However, God supplies! He always meets and has always met my needs. Another lesson in trust. In God and not the world’s system.
My goal is to live simple but powerful! Through His Amazing Grace!
We are to be a Kingdom of Stones in a nation of bricks. We’re not called to be clones, so do not allow others to put you into their mold. You were created an original praisemaker and worshipper of the One True God!
(received this message from Perry Stone Ministries late last night)
Oh yeah, and your job doesn’t define you. I’m currently busting my tail as a worker at Casey’s General Store. Not an ideal job. Wondering how to find a job I will like. My life experience and skill can represent me better than this. But….there must be something God is trying to teach me for a while. Hopefully a very short while ;P
Be blessed ladies!
I am most definitely pushed around by my own expectations. They feel like others’ expectations…but they’re really mine…what I need to do and accomplish in order to be the person I should be. My to do list drives me. So much so, that when it’s empty or nearly empty I worry that I’m forgetting something instead of celebrating my accomplishments! Haha. Silly.
Hannah McKay´s last [type] ..birthday celebration
Oh, how I can relate to this feeling! I am most pushed around by own expectations, too, but isn’t it funny how we put this pressure on ourselves but sometimes it really does *feel* like others’ expectations? At least in my case, that’s rarely true. Others don’t seem to expect near what I expect of myself. I’ve always felt like I had to be the responsible one and just heap everything on my plate to take care of. Eventually. And then I beat myself up if I don’t get to it. And I am constantly worried I’m forgetting something, too!
Emily´s last [type] ..Photo of the Week: Twenty
Don’t even know where to begin…thanks for writing this great synopsis as I will follow along through your blog… Blessings, Emily
Dolly´s last [type] ..On why we can sing on the ordinary days
What really came clear to me today is that I am pushed around by an inner need for other people to affirm me. What is so strange is that I have said for years that “affirmation isn’t my love language” and that I don’t need other people to thank or encourage me. But really, that couldn’t be further from the truth, and I am just starting to recognize it.
What is tricky is that while I want affirmation from others, I do have confidence in myself. I know I can do many things, and do them well. But once I do them, I wait for others to tell me how well I have done in order for it to seem meaningful. This has become especially true in the ways I serve at church.
I have been feeling lately that God is calling me to serve in women’s ministry, in bigger ways than I have in the past. And I think He is trying to teach me some lessons right now – and make sure my motivations and heart are in the right place. I need to quit being the good girl, who wants the honor and the good reputation for my good works, and instead serve for HIS GLORY ALONE.
Marcia´s last [type] ..some thoughts on middle faith
Isn’t it amazing that father’s day is coming up. I love father’s day. Where can I find fathers day coupons. Where can I find fathers day sales. I want to get my husband something really nice on fathers day.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Buy your father something nice
Wow…here goes. When I started reading I wanted to respond to everyone but then there were so many. So I will start by telling you about me. I am 64. I want you to know me so that when I make comments you will know from whence I am coming. I am the oldest of 5 children. My parents were not wealthy nor would I say that we were poor although in some eyes we might have been considered poor-ish. My Mom and Dad (interesting that I first posted as “mom and dad” but felt that did not honor them enough-everything is always colored by the meaning behind the words) had 5 of us. We always knew that they were “perfect”. They weren’t , of course, but what did we know. We once entered our Mom in a radio contest for “Best Mom of the Year” because the prize was a gift certificate for a restaurant that we liked and we knew that she would win! That’s how we thought..she did win ! In school I was always a straight A student..no surprise to any of you…and always a part of the best of students in my class. My way into popularity was my humor. Have any of the rest of you used humor as a defense for what you thought you lacked? Everyone liked me because I was funny. I remember wishing that I could just be myself and not have to entertain. I remember when my Mom & Dad said to me that if if came down to my going to college and my brothers going to college that they would go before me…I didn’t object…wasn’t even offended…that was the time. So…if you are the first in your family…and you make good grades…and you get married instead of getting that college education that was your goal and your family’s goal….say no more. (I’ll take this story ahead because I am still married to that High School Sweetheart and my life would be so different without that decision). My high school sweetheart and I married in 1967 – I was 18 and he was 19 (he failed the 2nd grade-has dyslexia-would anyone fail a 2nd grader anymore?-but that was how he was destined to meet me). We have been married now for 44 years. Is life perfect? No!! Has our family/life with each other been perfect? No!! Do we still love each other? Yes!! For all of you young parents who feel pressured to do things because everyone else is…STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Start trusting your own instincts about your children and how you have to make it work with the fact that you may have to make this work with both parents working. Here’s the best advice I was ever given by my Father-in-law when we had our first child:
You WILL make mistakes. As long as your children know that you really, really love them and the decisions that you make for them were based on the best you thought for them at the time that you made the decisions…they will forgive you for the bad decisions as long as they believe the “LOVE”. I have found that forgiveness comes when you say that you did the best that you could, based on what you thought was best at the time and if it wasn’t the best choice that you would not do that again. I have gone on too long…sorry…”good girl” apologizing…LOL
I’m pushed around by my own expectations far too often.
I was thinking through what I pictured my perfect person to be. There were some of the typical things, the tangled lies the world feeds us of things that are good but are bad when they become an idol.
I wanted to be –
– blonde
– tan
– skinny
– radiant
– real with my scars
– someone who was known for loving
– someone who doesn’t care if she’s judged
None of those are terrible. At all. But when I focus my eyes on me, I’m losing sight of who God has called me to be. Even if I do match my ideal self, when it consumes me, it becomes an idol. I become an idol.
When I try to micromanage my life, all I do is wreck it.
Caitlin´s last [type] ..Half Year Check-in
I am so pushed around by what I think I ‘need’ to do.I need to make sure everything goes smoothly,I need to be the responsible one,etc.I don’t want to fail because then I will look bad right?As someone else has already said here, I want to do it right the FIRST time.I hide.Behind all sorts of masks.I hide behind ‘fine’,I hide behind wanting to avoid conflict,I hide behind my reputation.How do I take these masks off and accept grace? I am crying as I write this.I think this is the first time I’ve really been honest with even myself.I am so glad you are doing this book club,Emily,thank you.It is helping me to look into myself.I have read the book before but I need to read it again.
I have already read this book and it has freed me in so many areas of my life. I am going through it again this time with this community right here. The first time I read it I came to the conclusion that I am pushed around by my unrealistic expectations, perfectionism. And this time I’m seeing that it’s also related to my reputation how I want people to see me and that’s why I strive so hard. I’m excited to see what God is going to do, the second time around. I am currently in Holland earning 6 more credits towards my Special education degree. This is unlike me in every single way possible. I am an introvert. I am a home body. Why I came on this trip with 6 other girls I didn’t know prior to meeting them at the air port is beyond me! But the Lord has sent me here and I am learning that He has sent me here because He loves these 6 girls so much that for these two weeks (I have one week left) He wants them to be exposed to his love. That I cannot care about my reputation, I need to die to myself and not be pushed around by fear but let Love lead deep and gently within me, just like you said Emily. I was just able to share the gospel with one of the girls here. I am way outside the circle of my comfort zone being outside the country, with girls I don’t know with zero friends, and He is using me and teaching me even in the midst of my introverted, prideful, perfectionism, striving, keeping people at an arm distance away, as I try and hide mess, and the Lord keeps exposing me to them. It’s beautiful.
I heard Emily speak on the “Haven Ministries” radio show and immediately ordered the book. It was me all over the place. As I was reading the comments and someone said something about apologizing (which I truly believe does have it’s place) it reminded me of when I was in labor with probably all of my 5 children at one time or another and apologizing to everyone around for “making a fuss” about the whole process. Seriously. Yeah, I need to read this.
Yes, no apologies for labor fussing!
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last [type] ..Connecting
First, I can honestly say that I can do it all. I’m really good at getting everything done and being happy. Not just being a good girl, but feeling good about it. And I don’t like this. I am so afraid of being wrong or bad or messing up or feeling those ways, that I don’t want to get close to NOT doing it all. Keep moving, try harder, don’t let that foot slip.
Second, the first time that I read this book, I worked quickly through the book. Identified, noticed, and tried to talk about it as if I overcame it. But, I’m still afraid of failing people; not doing enough; not being THAT girl who can do and be all. I have got to let that go. I have to let that go.
Third, things that hit home with me in the book: being needed=being loved. That story about the girl who carried around the bag full of stuff. Ugly cried on that one. I have a pen story that will break your heart at how much I want to be perfect for everyone. The other thing was being a manager of people’s opinions of me. That is so much work, and I am trying to let go of people’s opinion of me.
Meg´s last [type] ..Our Best Tenderloin
No w I really want to hear that pen story.
emily freeman´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3
Me too
I get pushed around by a fear of being needy. In little ways and big ways.
Fear of needing to borrow something. Fear of being too needy in my relationships. Fear of not having enough in terms of money and material supplies. Fear of requiring things which I cannot provide for myself. Fear of an inability to be self-sufficient.
The inability to be self-sufficient? Talk about hubris, pride, and self-centeredness! And yet…
Being needy feels so cold and loney and empty. Like a slow death.
I am the poster child for a Good Girl. In my life, I have allowed everyone and everything to define me with the exception of the One who matters most, Jesus. I grew up thinking Jesus wanted my best performance, he wanted my best behavior and He didn’t want my mess.
After my first read-through of your book, I came to a huge realization. God has never asked me to behave. He has only ever asked me to be His. That has become my defining statement.
True, I am a mess…. the more I live in authentic freedom the more of a mess I become…
But
I am HIS mess.
I love your last sentence: “he more I live in authentic freedom the more of a mess I become…But I am HIS mess.” As I work on my own “authentic freedom” (great phrase!), I really feel like an awkward mess sometimes. At 35, I feel embarrassed and frustrated sometimes that I still don’t fully know who I am and who I’m called to be–though I think I’m closer than I’ve ever been, I think I feel sometimes like I’ve failed at adulthood. Other times, when I’m feeling stronger, I know that’s not the case.
I loved reading everyone’s comments, thank you for sharing!
I am most pushed around by fear. But not just any fear. The fear of being SELFISH. I worry so endlessly about if what I am doing is selfish. I worry about being a selfish mother, or wife, or friend, or daughter, or servant of God. The worst thing anybody could say about me is that I am selfish. But not just people, though i do worry a ton about that. But I also worry that God will think I am selfish. That He will think I have not done enough. I’m still working on wrapping my head around the idea/the truth, that God loves me even when i’m not good. And that being good does not mean He will love me more. For some reason that just doesn’t make sense to me. But I want it to
And Grace for the Good Girl is definitely helping me do that.
The fear of being selfish made great friends with guilt and anxiety and now they push me around too. This has been a struggle my whole life but when I had my son is when it became so obvious to me just how much these issues had invaded my life and I decided that I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to get better (whatever that word means
Sorry…guy alert…
You could try #gftgg.
Carry on.
Ryan Haack´s last [type] ..A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Jacmel
I struggled to write this because in a lot of ways, I don’t identify with feeling pressured by all of this. In a lot of ways, I’ve had to let so much of that go over the past few years. But there are (in everybody? I tend to think so) the underlying negative emotions and thought patterns that continually pop up to try and keep us all captive or take us back to captivity once we’ve tasted freedom. I think that the thing with me that my life forces to live as if I’m not pushed around by anything, but inside, I sometimes feel pushed around by ALL of these things – fear, insecurity, expectations. I have to keep living my life, making hard decisions, doing difficult things, but inside, I feel scared that I’m really living a small life, that I might screw it all up at some point…I feel insecure with others, like I never truly fit in…I feel like I am failing others’ expectations and in turn, my own. So really, I’m often driven to live the way I do by fear. Not by love. That’s the part I identify with most, I think. Fear is driving me to do this all on my own far too often, instead of love leading me towards grace and the One who can give me true rest.
Suzanne´s last [type] ..foster care: looking back…
When I first heard about your book, I just knew you were writing about me. I bought the kindle version and began reading but realized that I wasn’t really connecting with it…so I stopped reading. How could I be a good girl? I couldn’t do anything right, after all. Then, recently, I realized that I have been struggling with depression for quite some time.. I hit a breaking point in my good girl efforts a few years ago, and I had an emotional breakdown because I couldn’t pretend anymore! There was no hiding my inadequacies. I stopped trying to do anything, because I knew I couldn’t do things “right”. God has been pulling me out of it a little at a time for the last two months since I realized what was going on, and I saw today that you were having a study on the book. I just read the first three chapters, and wow. It’s weird really, because I’m kind of on the other side of being a “good girl” (because my good girl has been broken), yet I can see that I’m already starting to try to measure myself against those impossible standards again. I’m looking forward to reading and discussing this with other good girls. Maybe I can stop myself from reforming the bad beliefs that ended up breaking me by naming them out loud and confronting them with Jesus. Thank you for writing this book.
Yes! That’s exactly how I feel as well. My ‘good girl’ has been broken, but those standards continuously try and bring me back into captivity. I agree that admitting they’re there, naming them aloud, here with others, is going to lead to true and lasting reform.
Suzanne´s last [type] ..foster care: looking back…
I’m a little late responding, I know…please don’t think I’m always late or, Heaven forbid, thoughtless or forgetful …
So. Yeah. Pushed around by what you think of me. But really, THE thing that triggers my darker thoughts, feelings, and knee-jerk defensiveness (read: Cornered-Badger-Reaction) is my right to be Right. I have two stories to share. I remember a teacher taking my book away in class one day (I was reading while we were checking our homework as a class)…she was attempting to humiliate me through public shaming (it worked – still makes my heart speed up, actually), and the phrase I kept repeating in my head, my big defensive argument was, “But I didn’t miss any of the homework questions!” I remember another time when I was about 5; I drew a picture of an angry man and one of a happy man…I told Dad the angry man was him when he didn’t love me and the happy one was when he did love me. I got in BIG trouble. I learned then that when I was wrong about things (big concepts for a 5-year-old, right?…interpretation of emotions, the meaning of love), I would be rebuked, punished, and humiliated.
I cringe over making myself look “bad,” but I simply WON’T be wrong. Do you know, I edit my prayers as I say them? It’s ridiculous. I have to pray really slowly in order not to pray for the “wrong” thing…like, “Dear Lord, please keep my husband safe on his trip…unless you want him to get in some kind of wreck…in which case, of course, I want whatever You want…but…oh God, please grant me peace if he gets in a wreck! um……Your will be done amen.” Because what else is there to say? What I want is always going to be trumped by God’s will…making what I want/need/feel wrong. And I just (still!) can’t be wrong.
(I have just now prayed in my head and repented for clinging to my need to be right…but did I do it just because I can’t stand to be praying for the “wrong” thing? Sigh. I sure hope God is big enough for this, because I have no hope of conquering this mess.)
Heidi´s last [type] ..My Yard
Oh, Heidi! Thank you for what you wrote. My good girl self shows up so often in relation to thoughtless or forgetful. And thank you for the stories – the one about your Dad and the picture, I think that is how I saw God before I really understood grace…happy when I’m lovable and angry when I’m not. But I’m pretty sure I never put words to that before. What insight you had for being a little girl!
And I’m SURE He is big enough.
Karen´s last [type] ..Grace for the Good Girl: Week 1
Geez, where do I begin? This book has been the best I’ve read since the Twilight series!
This is my second time through, and I’m glad to have people to discuss with. Although it’s terrifying me to post here, I’m forcing my self to do it.
I’m definitely a good girl. Can’t remember doing much of anything “wrong” as a child. That’s a hard standard to keep living up to!!! It’s impossible, actually. Today is a good example, I didn’t show up to my husband’s cousin’s disabled daughter’s graduation party. I feel horrible. Even more so because his cousin is upset at me because of it. I also greatly (accidentally) embarassed my sister yesterday and my husband the day before. I’m obviously still holding on to that as well. Ugh! I just can’t give myself grace to mess up or make a mistake. So, I’d say that my reputation, what others think of me, is what pushes me around. I want everyone to like me. I don’t ever want to let anyone down. I don’t ever ever want to let God down. I’m afraid they will stop loving me.
Thankfully, this book has reminded me of the freedom and grace I have in Christ. I already have it!!!! Now I’m learning how to live that way. And I’m excited to do it with all you good girls too
Penny from Oregon
The best book since the Twilight series?! That nearly made me spit out my morning coffee. Hysterical.
Penny, when I embarrass myself or especially my husband or someone else? Look out. It’s hard to get over for days. I will tell you that it has become easier to let go of that, but years ago? A mess. Glad you brought that up because I think that’s a big one.
Oh dear. Is it too late to join this?
I am not 55 but I am 35 and feel like you have been reading my journal. I have written several emails to you all starting with, “I thought I was the only one.”
I started reading the book 6 weeks ago. I have been on the last 2 pages of the last chapter for 2 weeks now. Why? Because I looked ahead and discovered that at the end of the last chapter there is no checklist of 5, 8, 10 things to do in order to change from a try hard good girl to a whole, free-in-Christ, joyfull, fearless woman. So for the last two weeks during my reading time I have done everything but read the last two pages of the book. I am afraid that I have failed yet again because I feel like it has not made a big difference -yet. This morning, instead of reading the last two pages of the book I finally checked out your blog – only to find THE BOOK staring me in the face. I guess I need to start over and really let it sink in this time right?
Notice I said that it FEELS like it has not made a difference. That is what I am pushed around by – my feelings. Feeling like I am not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, creative enough, capable enough, calm enough, patient enough, playful enough or…in control enough. I am pushed around by my schedule and plans. I love knowing what to expect and when to expect it. It drives me crazy to have someone mess with my schedule and plans. It drives me crazy to live in faith and step off that first step without seeing the last step. (I have noticed though that with the summer mornings I enjoy my quite time much more. Why? Because I am sitting outside where I cannot see the clock – I simply enjoy the time with no regard to where that minute hand is heading. Maybe I need to get rid of all my clocks!)
Oh yes. I am a good girl. Always trying hard to be noticed because I have always done the right thing at the right time, desperately whispering, “Notice me.” I hide behind masks of “fine, capable, and strong” because I feel like that is what is expected. And then I get angry at the people closest to me because they fail to notice me. They fail to affirm me. (Not good for a marriage. )
I have written a paraphrased quote on my quote board from the first few chapters of the book – “God determines my worth and identity. I have a choice. Let peace rule or let fear dominate”. But that’s my problem. I think that every time I fail I just need to try harder and remember to live out all of my litte “quotes” that I have hanging around reminding me to “Not sweat the small stuff”. But I do.
This morning I was reading a book to my kids and it explained the 3 steps to salvation – Confess, Believe, Receive. I am saved and I am a Christian. But I am also a good girl. And it dawned on me this morning that I really have a hard time confessing that I am a good girl and I need to change some thought processes and attitudes and remove some masks. That is so hard to do. But here I am. Because I am a good girl and I desperately want to be found – not by my husband, my mother or even my kids but by my Savior.
“Allow yourself to sit down on the inside as you read and practice believing that even though things might feel a bit upside down, you are safe in Christ.” That line got me. I am not sure I sit down on the inside very much at all. I want to do that with this book and with God. I want to let him heal me. But it is obvious to me after what you said that when I hear truth my reaction is then to work it out in my life on my own. I take responsibility and probably credit for the spiritual growth in me. That is bad. So have been telling myself to sit down all week.
I feel pushed around by others expectations. BUT I suspect I am putting much of those expectations on myself. Telling myself what others expect of me. Also, i feel pushed around by my to do list. I put a high priority on those accomplishments and looking “together”. Am I letting my to do list cause me to miss the heart of God?? hmm.
Just like Rebecca before me, the line that lingers is “allow yourself to sit down on the inside as you read,” – I felt my shoulders drop as I read that. I never do that, sit down on the inside. But I should. I will. Thank you, Emily.
Courtney´s last [type] ..An Interview With My Husband
I am SUPER excited about this book. A friend told me I needed to read it and so I bought it months ago. Now I know that this is the time that God wants me to read it and teach me how to be the me that He created me to be and how to let His Spirit flow through me.
I think that more often than not I am motivated by fear. I fear alot of things…my feelings, my thoughts, not knowing my future, success, failure and that God won’t provide. There are more unfortunately but those are at the forefront. Growing up, no one ever really expected anything of me and so I never felt the need to gain their approval but since I have been a Christian I desperately want my leaders/friends/mentors to approve of me. I want to please them. I do want them to need me. I tend to be the loyal and dependable person. I like it. Again, no one in my family ever needed me and so now I try my hardest to meet needs of those around me whenever and however I can. Honestly, I like to do lists. I like to feel accomplished, busy, needed, valued, important. I am 31 and single. My to do lists keep me from being bored and lonely.
Can’t wait to dive into the rest of this book! Thanks Emily for letting the Holy Spirit shed light into my life through theses pages. I love you!!!!!
First off, this book has truly been transformational for me! That is not an exaggeration. I feel like God dropped it into my lap during this season of “something’s got to give, enough is enough already”. In my longing for Jesus, I kept getting in the way. For as long as I can remember, the masquerade has taken priority over my relationship with God and others. I feel like it’s finally time to wave a white flag and (daily) surrender to ME. My mask is exhausting. So, here I am, reading the book through a second time, remembering again and again who I am and who I was created to be. And finding so much refreshing grace. The Lord actually delights in the REAL me! I think I am believing that for the first time in my life, although I’ve been a Christian for the better part of it. So thanks for being a part of my journey! I am such a better “me” because of this book!
Back to the question… I get pushed around by wanting to control what people think of me. I believe the big fat lie that my performance, no matter the role (wife, mother, church member, friend, daughter), determines my worth. If I am real and let my guard down, “they”, whoever “they” are, will judge me as deficient. I am a chronic fortune teller, always predicting how I will be perceived by “them”. And their opinion means the world to me, much more than the Truth. And while this is such a SAD (and did I mention exhausting?) state to live in, this lie seeps into my relationship with God. So far, there has been little freedom for me in Christ during the here and now. I am learning, and re-learning, that Christ died to set me free from my mask, to save me from the “try-hard life”. I am slowly getting it. So slowly in fact that I just spell checked this post lest other readers think I am a careless commenter. Ha! Looking forward to part two… Thanks again!
First, I think it is a blessing to have this place to share freely! It almost seems ironic that so many “good girls” feel freedom to talk openly about all of this stuff we hold on to! It is great
I feel pushed around by feeling that I am “the pin that holds it all together.” I completely related to an earlier comment about feeling that motherhood alone is wonderful, however… ALL the other stuff outside my home wears on me. But I feel bad because it is church stuff and how could I let all those families down, if I don’t follow through and keep finding ways to make it happen. So I have found myself at the feet of Jesus asking him to change me, because I can’t trust myself. Only He knows what He wants meto do and if this is it, my heart attitude towards it needs to change.
So may people say to me, “I don’t know how you do so much in so little time!” I don’t know either sometimes. But I love to serve and feel so much joy when I am in that place, so I know a part of it encourages my heart. But this new feeling of frustration and being overwhelmed leaves me questioning my hearts motives. I sincerely want to please God and do what is right, but I think I have lost sight of “why.” So I am here trying to listen and obey so I can reshape my life and be living with the right motivations. Very hard to do!!! However, God is faithful and I am counting on Him to see me through
Melissa,
I can relate. I, too, have been questioning my motives for serving. In my case, I sincerely want to please God AND others. The part of me that wants to please others is causing everything to feel really messy, because I’ll never be able to live up to that standard. And, if I can’t live up to that standard, then I feel like I’ve failed.
I’ve been praying that God would help me stay out of His way and that my agenda would match His. You’re right that He is faithful and will see us through. I appreciate your patience and faith in Him.
First, I am incredibly thankful to have found this blog, and subsequently, this book. For years, I’ve felt like something was wrong with me. Why do I feel guilty and wrong and not enough all the time when I’ve done mostly everything “right?” Over the last few months, I have been struggling with health issues, which I’ve attributed to stress, but now I’m coming to realize that that is only a symptom of the real problem.
I’m pushed around by this reputation I want to maintain as the one who can handle everything. As a result, I work full-time at a job that I don’t feel called to do so that my husband can get reduced tuition as he completes his degree. He is completing that degree at my urging of course because we should both have college degrees. Then, he can support our family, and I can be a stay-at-home mom one day. All (future) moms should want that, right? Also, I joined a church plant nearly a year ago, and agreed to be the volunteer children’s ministry director thinking if I don’t do it, who will? Around six months ago, I agreed to also take on the part-time job of church administrator. In my mind, it was to relieve the pastors from that role. To save them. (Seriously, who do I think I am?) On top of all that, I was also teaching part-time online courses because ultimately, I want to do that to contribute to the family income when I have babies and live a perfect stay-at-home mom lifestyle. So, even though I don’t have time and don’t need the money, I do it so that I can establish a resume. And then there’s my family (siblings and parents), who consistently make bad choices, which I have tried tirelessly to convince to live life my way.
What room have I left for Jesus to save me or anyone else around me? I not only think I can handle everything myself, but I also try to handle everything for everyone else in my life. I’m coming to realize that I’ve tried to be everyone’s savior when I don’t need to be. Jesus did that for us. After nearly thirty years of maintaining a good reputation and trying to fix everyone’s problems, I can’t just let it all go. I can’t just flip a switch. I’d like to, but ultimately, I just need to surrender.