“Iwrite because there are stories that people have forgotten to tell, because I am a woman trying to stand up in my life. I write because to form a word with your lips and tongue or think a thing and then dare to write it down so you can never take it back is the most powerful thing I know. I am trying to come alive, to find the distances in my own recesses and bring them forward and give them color and form.”
Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down The Bones
The color and form of my own writing is a gray, foggy mess this week. When I read this quote at the pool yesterday, my soul resonated deeply with her reasons for writing. Writing through the gray doesn’t guarantee you’ll have hands filled with color on the other side, but waiting for the gray to pass isn’t always the answer, either.
Why the fog? Self-doubt. Exhaustion. Too many things to do in too little time. People-overload. Tiny bugs showing up in my basil plant. Trash in the kids rooms (seriously, do your kids have endless stacks of Very Important Papers in their rooms?) Fear. Futile attempts at predicting outcomes. Lack of a time machine. Laundry.
And then there is the very real compulsion I have in the summertime to unplug every single electrical thing and live off the light from the lightening bugs. We could pitch a tent out back and eat s’mores and cucumber and buggy basil. We could make up stories with brave, honest, messy heroines and watch the stars until the sun comes up.
It wouldn’t go nearly like that. But sometimes I write to create a pretend reality and I dare you to hold it against me. I write through the fog because that’s what helps me come alive most times. Other times, the fight is futile and the most important thing is to take a walk. Move the basil plant to the porch. Go through the papers one at a time. There is no perfect way to know what the time calls for. The only thing to do is to believe in the God who holds all things together and then to take the next move that makes sense with as full a heart as you can manage.
Emily,
Do you ever map out that pretend reality in your writing? Not just a blog post. Not anything specific. Just sit down and map out a day or summer where your family has unplugged, you’re living in the backyard telling stories, eating from the garden, and letting the fire flies lightup your evenings.
Love this…kinda sorta like what I wrote about today. But not really. Haha
Rae´s last [type] ..leave me alone…i’m busy.
praying for you!
I feel less alone now. As I read each word I felt my heart had a voice in your pen today. You have humongous gratitude from me for speaking my insides today. My schemes and expectations, wishes, and dreams for my family and our life doesn’t always match reality. I am releasing my summer and my family to Him. Can’t wait to see what He has planned for our summertime.
Elizabeth´s last [type] ..Get Out There
What a beautiful post! You express yourself so eloquently! And, I daily cling to your last statement that our God holds all things together and gives us strength and courage to take the next step. This past year with my Dad’s critical health situtation has proven that over and over to me. Blessings!
Lea Culp´s last [type] ..Miscellany Monday
Emily,
You’ve been on my mind all weekend. I thought about emailing you a note just to say well done on the book and book group. I know it must be encouraging but also overwhelming. I hesitated to email because I reasoned you’re likely getting inundated about now and as an introvert, I know how hard that can be. Thanks for your words.
You mentioned “Writing Down the Bones” several weeks ago and I’ve been working my way through it. It has helped me to speak more freely in my writing and to figure out what I really have to say. Thanks for your quiet leadership and willingness to share.
Eyvonne´s last [type] ..Introductions
This is so kind and thoughtful, Eyvonne. Thank you for this – I’ve been thrilled with the book club. And also overwhelmed. But thrilled. My introversion is a strange walk-the-line combination of loving people and action and wanting to plug my ears and hide in the corner.
Really, though, this is the best way to do a book club – in a quiet room, at my own pace, and without having to fix my hair.
Again, thank you for thinking of me, and any email like the one you didn’t send is always welcome
I’ll remember that next time. Oh.. and I shared your book with my good friend and she is going to give it to her super bright 15 year old daughter who is a good girl. I told her you’ve got a book coming out specifically for her daughter’s age group. Thanks again.
Eyvonne´s last [type] ..Introductions
I’ll be honest, I dread summer a little bit. I want to unplug and simply live, but living is never really simple, is it? Especially when three children, travel plans, and this ridiculously hopeless book proposal all call for my full attention. Praying and standing right there in the buggy basil with you.
And yes to the papers. I can’t tell you the times I’ve had to dig something out of the trash because it was indeed Very Important.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Into the light
Sometimes fog can seem so romantic and mysterious and beautiful. Like around a pond with a chippy red-painted covered bridge nearby. May you have peace and idyll time just around the bend, when the fog starts to be wispy and not thick. And may your holy GPS guide you to that place soon!
What beautiful images!
What you said today…..thank you.
Most important is the inner sanctuary — the writer must create that first and from there create other things. For me as a believer, the Lord himself is the way through the gray. I have found no other path.
Cassandra Leigh Frear´s last [type] ..Boundaries: The New, Old Me
Thanks for your honesty, and for your example – writing through the fog, and holding onto God, who holds us together.
Cherry´s last [type] ..Our Sixth Week
Seemed like as good a time as any to speak up and say hello.
I too have wanted to email you to say thank you. I recently read and loved your book! God spoke so plainly to me through your words – so much so, that they felt like my own. The journey you walked through to surrender your Good Girl-ness to the Lord was a familiar path that challenged and inspired me. Your blog, too, has become a inspiring, challenging place for me.
As I read today, I smiled. That fog is familiar to me too … and my mentor’s words often become the beam of light – all you can do is “the next right thing”. God has always been faithful to give me the next right thing, and that’s enough for me!
Blessings to you!
Yes. Sigh. This is right where I am. I’m so glad you wrote this post. Sometimes writing provides clarity and crystallization. And sometimes it’s just a mess. As for the unplugging, I’ll join you and the lightening bugs and the s’mores. Also, I’ll see your buggy basil and raise you a muddy dog and kitchen counter speckled with ants. Ugh.
Scooper´s last [type] ..Everyday Grace: Gifts
“Why the fog? Self-doubt. Exhaustion. Too many things to do in too little time. People-overload. Tiny bugs showing up in my basil plant. Trash in the kids rooms (seriously, do your kids have endless stacks of Very Important Papers in their rooms?) Fear. Futile attempts at predicting outcomes. Lack of a time machine. Laundry.”
Reading this I don’t know whether to cry or laugh. Cry because I’m overwhelmed and not doing what needs to be done or laugh because so many of us are in this together.
Thank you for helping me to feel “normal”
I have to say that 1) I’m pretty scared to leave a comment today because two of my comments were erased from one of your other posts recently!!! I was mortified – I felt so horrible! And knew I would never write anything anywhere to hurt someone’s feelings or just to be cruel. And my two comments were in support of other comments – a “hey, I know what you mean” type, and a “hey, you just made me laugh so hard!” type. So later, after fear, doubt, and pity subsided I realized I had been on the road when I posted those, and most likely my connection was bad and my comments really didn’t post! (I’m still hoping that’s the reason, anyway). And then even later I realized the iPad was not working with your site well and acting up in general, so further support of a glitch theory.
All that to say … I can’t believe how many quotes from your GFTGG book went flying through my head throughout the whole fiasco. And how I sprinted back to the self-defeating thoughts like I tend to do so reactively. And again, when I wasn’t even sure the why behind the situation. Oh my word, I hate being female sometimes!!
So then 2) – I read your post today and it’s just so fitting with the word that has encompassed my world the last week or so – DEFEATED. I’ll leave it at that. Enough said!! (except I’m so gad you wrote this today!)
Oh, and P.S. I just noticed the title of my last post down below. I’m LOL so hard right now…
Kerry @ Made For Real´s last [type] ..Do you worry?
Kerry! I bet I know exactly what happened – this weekend, we changed servers for my blog so any comments left within a certain window of time disappeared forever. I’m so sorry it caused you heartache but maybe in the process you worked out some things that were healing, in a way.
I love that you called that a fiasco – I live a lot of fiascos in my head.
Thanks for coming back and risking the comment again! You could have disappeared and never said a word. Glad you didn’t choose to hide on this one.
Sometimes I feel like you get right inside of my head, Emily. I just don’t have the eloquent way with words that you do.
Thanks.
Your house holds the stacks of “very important papers” too? That’s so good to hear. Thank you for the reminder that God holds all things together. That’s his job, not mine.
Becky K´s last [type] ..How to Raise a Timid Child
…that’s exactly what I was going to say…we are not alone with the stacks of paper thing, as I thought…I guess there really isn’t anything new under the sun!! love your writing Emily! Thanks for sharing your beautiful timid (introverted) heart!
Things never seem to go the way I create them in my mind. Letting go of that has become a life long process. And the tension between summer’s carefree and responsibilities to-do list fight for my emotions every single year it rolls around. I think pressing through the fog, doing the next right thing in front of you is the only way to experience joy’s freedom. I so get this.
Shelly Miller´s last [type] ..When it’s Time to Ask for Help
That last sentence. Yes. That.
Emily´s last [type] ..I Fall So Short
love this! looks like cloudy days are providing lots of inspiration around the carolinas…i was just blogging about my own gray days last week : )
I love Natalie Goldberg! Reading this post almost makes me wish for a gray, foggy morning where the only thing I have to do is bring pen to paper
I’m holding onto these words. Writing through the fog. When so often I hide and don’t know what to say. Thanks for this, Emily. I just got your book in the mail. Can’t wait to read it.
Laura´s last [type] ..back in country. processing.
Lord, give us the courage to write through the gray, to accept the times when we just need to take a walk (or sort the piles in the kids’ rooms), and the wisdom to know when to do which.
Darcy @ Message in a Mason Jar´s last [type] ..Stars Dancing in the Water {Gift from the Sea 1: The Beach}
Emily.
How beautifully put. It has been a long several years, with lots of angst and worry. We have a son just getting out of the marines. He finished his 2nd tour in Afghanistan in December. He is a wonderful young man who was one of 3 young men, who were dog handlers, who led the invasion in Afghanistan 3 years ago. I certainly understand grey. I can always tell when I have overcome that grey messy area, when I can see the sky is blue.
I have found that when I turn my problems over to God, things go much better. I know he has much grander plans then I have. I know that he is always with me, but sometimes, I can forget to turn my worries and fear over to God. Alone I can do nothing, but with God by my side all things are possible.
Though these years of worry and fear, I often find that the grey miraculously becomes blue. Why am I ever surprised? He dies perform miracles. He brought my son home safely twice. A son who has the grace to say I am only alive today because God walked with me every step of the way.
I am grateful to our God who gives such grace.
Debi
After a hard day today, filled with tantrums and mess everywhere, it was so nice to read this post. Felt really lonely today – it is so hard being shy
Thanks for the post.
Kathryn´s last [type] ..Backyard Oasis
for speaking truth, and yes regarding those very important papers !
to buggy basil, grey and my great God!
You wrote about the theme of my prayers and the theme of what has been running through my head the past week or two – He holds all things together. I want to. I try to. But I just can’t. So thankful HE can. And does.
And I want to say I really am so glad you are doing the book this summer. I know that is one more thing on your plate. But I was thinking about you this morning, and how I love how you are so gut-honest and brave in your book. And I just find that to be awesome. So thanks for being a brave, honest, messy heroine in real life.
Messy but held together,
K
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Needy – It’s Not Such a Bad Word After All
what a kind thing for you to say. thank you.
Thanks for this, Emily. I have been walking around in a serious fog for a couple of months now. School ending and papers to be graded and grades to turn in. Two kids graduating. Lots of visitors. I just feel completely overwhelmed in my life right now. Every single week this summer is planned out for me. Truly. It’s just too much. And so the writing takes a back burner, and that makes me so so sad.
I’m also reading Natalie Goldberg and have found so many nuggets that I want to use with my class next year. It’s been an inspiring read to me in so many ways.
Thanks again!
Shelly Wildman´s last [type] ..Status Report – June
shelly! Good to see you around here…it’s so hard to have every week of the summer planned. I wouldn’t like that either. Here’s to finding pockets of rest in the midst of a full schedule.
great quote…I could relate…May I say that even when you feel like your writing is a “foggy mess,” as you put it, it is still beautiful and speaks to me…Thank you
Dolly´s last [type] ..When God gives just the words you need…
Oh!! The stack of Very Important Papers has taken over my entire house!!! My three youngest are constantly drawing and coloring and my oldest is always writing….
I really think she should start a blog and there would be less paper!! ;-D
Sharon @ Hiking Toward Home´s last [type] ..Fear faced. It Is Finished.
I first discovered my love of writing in the 5th grade, in Miss Jones’ class. Fridays always included writing a fictional short story, begun in class and due Monday morning when the bell rang. My classmates would rush through theirs before Friday’s class let out, desperate to be free of the task as quickly as possible. But not me. I spent many a start of the weekend working and reworking my tales until my ten year old self was completely satisfied that I had done the plot line and characters justice.
Fast forward twenty-five years and this girl still loves to write. The problem: I don’t make time to write very much any more. I could come up with quite the menagerie of adult excuses as to why my fingers don’t click on my keyboard and the words don’t flow onto the digital page more often. But here’s the thing: they would be just excuses. The real reason I don’t put pen to paper: fear. Fear that this thirty something single gal doesn’t have anything noteworthy to say. Fear that because I am not married and don’t have any off-spring running around like all the other women my age that my words don’t matter. Fear that the words and thoughts that float endlessly in my mind throughout the day, if put out for the world to read, will be just one more reason to be rejected by an untold number of unwed bachelors. Fear that people will discover that I’m not such a good girl after all.
Just writing the two paragraphs above for all of cyber space to see is an act of courage for me. It’s one of my baby steps of trusting God that my words matter and that He cares what I have to say. God and I, well we’ve been working on my fear. I am clinging to II Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given ME a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” as my summer motto. So here goes nothing …