Last night, we finally celebrated the release of Graceful. Preparing for an event always brings with it the potential for great anxiety, a general tremor in the air around me as I anticipate the coming.
I used to think the more I spoke in front of people, the less afraid I would be. I don’t think that anymore. I sit this morning in the quiet stillness and consider the past months of preparation.
Each event has a little life of its own. We can pray, prepare, and hope for certain outcomes. We certainly can’t manage those outcomes. We can set the stage, but without the people there is no life there yet.
For hours in the days and weeks before last night, I sat alone. I listened to Christa and Nicole’s music, thankful for the way God creates through them. I listened in the silence, prayed for the words.
Sometimes I shook off the fear. Other times I swallowed it down whole, no chewing. Mostly, I waited.
This is a necessary waiting, a built in anticipation for what is to come but isn’t yet. The waiting can drive us mad if we let it. It can become a merciless dictator, shoving us into shapes we aren’t made for, shapes of worry and doubt and short-tempers.
But the waiting can also grow us, shape us from the inside out for sacred work. This is a kind of work that only happens in the secret place of abiding in the presence of Christ, listening for words of Life and fullness.
I know His making of me – I love people and also solitude, excitement and also silence. I am slightly more inwardly oriented than I am outward, but I love to be with people enough to know my introversion isn’t extreme. Still, I need silence to fill me up before I face a crowd of people.
I’m thankful for Brennan Manning’s words this morning because I so deeply relate with what he says here:
“I connect best with others when I connect with the core of myself. When I am able to disengage myself from others and allow the Lord to liberate me from an unhealthy dependence on people, I can exist more for them, listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, speak more compassionately, play more playfully, take myself less seriously, and become more aware that my face is bright with laughter in the midst of a game I thoroughly enjoy.”
Brennan Manning, Souvenirs of Solitude
There was something right about filling a room up with girls and their moms, students and their small group leaders, older women who would return home to their husbands of 40 years and younger women returning home to their Algebra homework.
There was no way to fully prepare for what it feels like to stand in front and look out at them and know that this exact group will never gather just this way again. The room held many hearts, some that were full and some that were broken.
But we have a God who is graceful. And last night, I remembered that with my whole self.
We prepare in flat black and white because that’s all we can do.
God shows Himself in full, round color.
This morning as I remember the evening air that was sweet with encouragement and celebration, I know my personal essentials for a great party.
And then? Celebration.
Thanks to all of you who came last night. It was a complete delight to have you. I wish there was more time to sit and visit, especially with those of you who drove hours to come. I hope you were encouraged.
Today we enter week two of 31 Days to Hush. This is day eight and you can click here to see a list of all the posts, updated daily. If you would like to receive these quiet thoughts in your email inbox, subscribe now.