The kids and I drove to a friend’s house to help them pick out a paint color for their wall (my friends, they know I love me some paint colors and they also know I’ll have an opinion). They have one little boy who is two and when we left, one of my eight-year-olds said to me, “I wish we lived in a house like that.”
I asked what she meant. “What’s their house like?”
“Cute and quiet and organized. I never get quiet at my house.”
She wants to live in a quiet house.
As much as I tried to convince her their house felt quiet because they have carpet, I kind of know better. She is growing up a girl who needs space. With a twin sister, a little brother, and two younger cousins who live next door, personal space is hard to come by.
We are students of our children – they don’t all need the same thing. We make space for her to have room time, allow her to close her door and tell the others not to bother her, spend time cuddling without too much talk.
I want to teach her to embrace and respect her unique personality while also realizing sometimes we have to sacrifice our own comfort for the sake of community.
This is day 17.
This is a post in a series, 31 Days to Hush. You can click here to see a list of all the posts, updated daily. If you would like to receive these quiet thoughts in your email inbox, subscribe now.
“We are students of our children.” How true. They are tiny teachers.
I used to wish I was an only child instead of the oldest of four, growing up in a busy ministry family. I think it was because I wanted a quiet house too.
Scooper´s last [type] ..Coming Home: Same Place, New Eyes
I understand. Living with 6 other people and hearing “Mom!” so many times is a huge blessing, but sometimes I need space. My 4th child tends to run from the chaos and we find him up in his room quietly building legos…the rest of the kids, well, seem to love the chaos! Ha!
Sharon´s last [type] ..Mercies along the way…
This is so spot on… As a teacher, I watch kids who just need a quiet space sometimes get forced to have more interactions… Because their well-meaning, extroverted grown-ups think there must be something wrong… The child just loves personal, private, quiet space.. This is a great reminder to really watch and listen to our children when they tell us something… Thanks!
Karise´s last [type] ..31 Days of Writing in Community: Day 10- The Dead Sea Scrolls Part 2 : Testimonia
Emily, the quiet and the messy living, colliding in community. You write brilliantly of the tension between the creative loud messy living and solitude for the soul. Thank you for your series. Each day is a whispered quiet meditation on the richness of the hushed.
wynnegraceappears, Elizabeth´s last [type] ..Walking
Thank you for writing about this. I feel like children who value quiet are so often fussed at for being shy and told to “get over it.” The space you give her (and the balance you’re striking between quiet and community) is inspiring.
CJ @ Fill the Well´s last [type] ..Kick Out Fear {Day 16 of 31 Days of Filling the Well}
What a sweet heart! We all need quiet and peace to regroup. I wonder if the friends wish for a home with more fun noise and family.
Lisa´s last [type] ..31 Days of Faith {Temples}
I suspect that she will have plenty of people who expect her to sacrifice her preferences for the sake of community. I don’t know of a woman who has it any other way, except maybe Annie Dillard in The Writing Life, in that one paragrapgh where she let herhouseplants die. It may be a more useful approach to focus on how to identify, prioritize, and meet one’s needs in the face of a life, home, workplace, and other circumstances not designed with her needs /design in mind.
You are one of my favorite writers.
Oh my heart!
When we moved into our current rental house my (then 2 year old) daughter said for months “I don’t wike it house”… I hope that I can be a good student of her and figure out how to help her love the home we’re in wherever we go!
Fly Mom´s last [type] ..31 Days- Excess
Ah, my daughter told me something very similar recently – only in her case it wasn’t the quiet she coveted, it was the neighbor’s pool. Great thoughts on recognizing each family member’s needs… and balancing those with a team perspective. I like the quiet, too. It’s hard to come by with chatterbox little people running circles around me. Yet someday I will miss those voices when they’re grown and no longer constant in my ears.
Becky K´s last [type] ..I’m (Not Really) Leaving Without You
“I want to teach her to embrace and respect her unique personality while also realizing sometimes we have to sacrifice our own comfort for the sake of community.”
This is what I need for myself! I’m beginning to be familiar with my actual boundaries, not the ones I think I have(which are needier than what I often think), but I don’t want to jeopardize community and ministry potential, either. I know that balance is a popular word & theory lately, and I don’t pretend to subscribe to it- I just wish I were better at knowing the answers.
mandie´s last [type] ..A Sweet Spot
I can relate to your daughter.
As the youngest of 7 kids, I didn’t have my own bedroom until I was 18. I shared one bathroom with 8 other people, which means I rarely peed or bathed alone. I lived at home and commuted to college. Then moved out of my parent’s home into my married home.
I’ve never, ever had my own space. But I need it. As in, NEED it.
One of my main goals has been to create a quiet, peaceful home. I am pro-quiet time. I am pro-alone time. I love when the whole family is interacting and our home is a-buzz with playing and laughing and talking. But if it is not balanced with regular and frequent doses of quiet, I lose my ever-loving mind.
Sandy Cooper´s last [type] ..Quick Organization Tip for Busy School Days
You are such a wise mama! Your daughter is so blessed to have you.
I have always wished my mom understood my NEED for quiet & absolute down time. I was the oldest & only girl, so I always had my own room – but I wasn’t allowed to just be. Currently my children & I live in an apartment attached to my parents’ home – she still tries to control my home, even trying to make my home have her standard of activity level.
My children are 3, 2, and 6 months, and I’m learning more every day how different they are, who needs what, etc. Yesterday my 3 year old was swinging outside eating an apple. I went out to snap a few pictures and she said, “Can you go inside now? I want to be by myself.” At first, I was a little hurt, but then realized she, like me, needs time alone. I pray that I can teach her how to be dependent and interdependent.
Lauren´s last [type] ..31 Days of a Truth Driven Heart
I can’t imagine being a twin, wishing for time by myself. You are just the right mother for her, listening to her heart. I think Pip will be changing rooms soon. She is outgrowing her little brother…
Kelly Sauer´s last [type] ..Do We Choose; Do We Live?
my children say this all the time, “I wish we had a playroom, I wish I had my own room, I wish we had a yard instead of a parking lot.” It’s hard… but it is teaching us about our priorities and about the sacrifices we’re making to follow God. I’d rather they say “I wish…” now instead of “I wish I had…” later.
Just found you on Twitter as we follow some similar folks… Love the blog!
I have a 9 1/2 year old daughter and a 7 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. It’s quite noisy at our house, and my oldest, especially, wishes for more personal space.
Elizabeth Anne May´s last [type] ..Win Two Boxes of Chai Tea from Mountain Rose Herbs!
Glad you found us here, Elizabeth!
Great post. This terrifies me and excites me about parenting. I hope to be understanding (not intrigued) of my children’s varying personalities, and I am excited about having each of them teach me who they are.
I’m scared I won’t be a good student.
Meg´s last [type] ..Yogurt & Play With Fern
this part:: “realizing sometimes we have to sacrifice our own comfort for the sake of community.”
so true. as i often feel guilty for being the one who wants to go to my room and shut the door and say, no one bother me.. for like, two weeks!!! ; )
knowing though that even in those times, when retreating is not an option, there can be a quiet in my soul no matter how chaotic {and LOUD} our home!!
thank you to your girl for this lesson!!
amber@gracetobe´s last [type] ..Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Learning to give my almost-8 year old a little space and quiet. We are adjusting to a two-family (four adults and six kids) living in one house that used to be just one of the families. Thanks for reminding me they each need something different so I can watch for what the others need.
There is something bittersweet in realizing that an 8yo’s mind can settle on the idea that quiet is more than just hushed voices. Reading this makes me want to give children more credit for their ability to be in tune with the world and to want to grow up and think for themselves and be alone sometimes. I remember being a kid and wanting to be alone and feeling like my little sister would never leave and now, now she is living hundreds upon hundreds of miles away and I see her a few times a year for brief periods. I’m sure that’s not what your daughter wants to hear, but I wish we could meet in the middle and find quiet when we want it and chaos when we need it, but that doesn’t often happen.
Kaleigh´s last [type] ..To The Girls Who Would Like To Be Skinnier Tomorrow