a mess | chatting at the sky

when saying you’re sorry is a bad idea

May 11, 2011

Have you ever met someone who apologizes for everything? At first it is endearing and you think, Oh, look how thoughtful she is being of me! She is sorry she was late. But then you look at your phone and realize she is five minutes early. And she’s apologizing for it. And you realize that her definition of late is showing up two minutes past early. Before the night is over you have counted her apologies to the point where you can no longer focus on what she is saying because you’re waiting for her to apologize for it.

It’s exhausting to listen to her, until I realize I do it, too. I want to apologize for writing a non-fiction book because I know they aren’t as fun to read as fiction. I apologize for getting emotional when people pray for me. I’m not really sorry, but it’s what comes out of my mouth when it happens. I don’t know why I’m crying, I hear myself say, I’m so sorry. I’m being ridiculous.

When guests come over, have you ever heard yourself pointing out the mess to them and apologizing for all the imperfections even though you know that it doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful?

When the dinner dishes still sit in the sink from dinner two nights ago, do you hear yourself apologize to your husband for it, almost like you want to point out the flaws first before he gets a chance to do it?

The thing is, he never would. I completely accept your flaws but I am strictly opposed to my own. What I’m really saying is, Attention everyone! I have a very important announcement to make – I am a human being and I am ever so sorry about that.

We apologize for being emotional.

We apologize for being inarticulate.

We apologize for not having answers.

And in the doing, we sorry our way out of making art.

But these apologies aren’t really apologies, are they? A God-led sorry leads to healing, not hiding. Apologies said in true humility and repentance are intended to draw people closer to God and each other. A true sorry is said with an open hand, not a clenched fist. A true sorry is not about me. But sorry is a bad idea when it is used to cover up our beautiful, vulnerable, fragile humanity.

So what if we did the opposite? What if instead of brushing our emotions aside and apologizing for the brokenness, we invited a few people into it? What if instead of pointing out the mess on the floor, we welcomed them to sit with us among it? Perhaps we would finally see that we were made for greater things than this. We are living in the midst of provision, abundance, skill. Giftedness. We were made by design and on purpose by an unapologetic God. Dare to receive His making of you. And don’t forget to say thank you.

Filed Under a mess, inspired 65 Comments

how de-cluttering helped us dream

March 11, 2011

For the last 10 years, my husband has struggled to dream. I would ask him the question, What are some things you dream about for the future? And I didn’t even mean job-type stuff, although that could have been a part of it. I just meant you know, whatever. He couldn’t answer the question. Simply, couldn’t. Oh, he would mention a couple of things, make a little joke about golf. But he couldn’t get out of practical. He didn’t really know how to dream.

I dream all the time. Maybe too much, actually. You know my chocolate shop by the sea? Well it is adjacent to my rolling, green hills and my English garden and all my herbs. And also my mountain. And my retreat center that was only a short bike ride away from the city. And my little cottage where I sit and write all my novels. In French. I am a crazy person. But do you want to know one of the things that began to make the difference for him to begin to dream legitimate, real things?

It was Simple Mom‘s book, Organized Simplicity. It isn’t a book about discovering your dreams or anything like that. Instead, it is the clutter-free approach to intentional living. And part of the approach is to define your family purpose statement.

And so while The Man sat and cleaned out the junk drawer in our kitchen, I sat with Tsh’s book and asked him the 20 questions she lists. As I listened to his answers, I heard him say things I had never heard him say before. Dream-like things. Calling-like things. Fearless things. And I am forever grateful to Tsh for writing a book that helped my husband and I talk more deeply about the intention of our living.

And so while The Man put our junk from the drawer into piles of pennies and rubberbands, we talked about what we believed. We put paragraphs around what is important to our family. We defined things, and re-defined things. And we still are.

Organized Simplicity is divided into two main parts – the first part encourages us how to think about the purpose for our families and our homes and the second part is a more practical, hands-on cleaning/de-cluttering the house. It is extremely detailed and Tsh outlines exactly what (and what not) to do. I have to admit, I didn’t make it all the way through this part of the book yet. Which is why I’m so excited about Project Simplify over at Tsh’s blog, Simple Mom.

It’s basically a five week hand-holding project. She reveals a hot-spot on Mondays (this week it was the closet – as in, my closet) and then on Fridays we can link up with our before and after photos.

While I wouldn’t normally participate in ~~showing the world my messy closet~~ projects like this, I am beginning to make the connection between the stuff I choose to hang onto and the dreams we have for our family. Sometimes they just don’t match up. And so, I’m jumping in and joining Tsh and many other Simple Mom readers in this challenge to organize five hot spots in five weeks. I may not post on it every week, but I will be quietly working away, losing stuff and gaining perspective.I know, they aren’t that much different. But I have a box filled with clothes to donate that says otherwise. One step at a time, friends. If you would like to join in on organizing some of your hot spots, check out Tsh’s latest post and be inspired.

**I was given this book for Christmas by my sister. I’m not being paid to say any of this stuff. Although, even if I were, it wouldn’t make any difference. I love this book. And also Tsh. Amen.

Filed Under a house-lover, a mess, a reader 31 Comments

the most unwelcome guest at Christmas

December 20, 2010

It was like a mini-post traumatic stress reaction. I hadn’t really been too nervous about his surgery. While I waited for the doctor to report to us in the waiting room, I worked on a photo calendar for my in-laws. When the doctor said all was well, we went up to see him. I spent the next 20 hours in that small hospital room next to my recovering four year old. There was no sleep that night, not really. And then the next night, either. Or the next. But he was well, the tonsils were out, I was doing okay, and we carried on.

We went home, had help, friends were kind, family was supportive. But my body started to give me signs that all was not well. The activity and stress began to catch up. And then I looked at the calendar – two weeks until Christmas. And then I looked at my reflection in the mirror – tired. And then I looked at my pantry – disarray. And as my sister dug through a cabinet to find popcorn that I swore we didn’t have (we did), I lamented my mess and lack of organizing.

She opened the popcorn bag, stuck it in the microwave, and offered freedom she didn’t even know I needed: You’re being too hard on yourself. The microwave buttons dinged, and as the little machine roared to life, my recent days played out quick like a movie reel, straight in front of me and laden with heavy worry – about this and that and them and those things. And in nearly every corner, I found shame.

It doesn’t take a hero to offer grace to the grace-filled. But to extend grace in the midst of ungraciousness? That is a most difficult task. And I can be a most ungracious girl to myself. When I forget an ingredient for the cookies, I roll my eyes and call me stupid. More than once. Out loud. And then it spirals into worry that I’m not good at having people over. I get too overwhelmed and I come undone too easily. I may have good intentions, but my follow-through is sloppy. And only an idiot would try. I should just go ahead and wish this Christmas season right away.

When someone else is running late, I am the first to dismiss it. It’s fine! I don’t mind! And I genuinely don’t. If someone else is struggling, I sincerely long to offer support. When you forget an ingredient for the cookies, I can laugh with you and we can make the best of it. I can extend grace to you and it is easy and right. Messed up is what makes you touchable, endearing, lovely.

I will extend grace to you in the midst of your tired and your need. I have difficulty extending grace to me. I don’t want to be my own most unwelcome guest at Christmas. I already see the potential to be swept away by the impossible expectations of perfect, invisible me. Has she been lurking around your house? Force that girl out and offer grace instead. Shove silly in her face and give yourself permission to laugh at the days to come.

Filed Under a mess, a sister 68 Comments

to embrace the living

December 12, 2010

Every flat surface is covered with toys or books, art work or unopened mail. The chaos threatens to overwhelm, until I remember that I have a choice. I can let the mess boss me, or I can embrace the living it points to. Today, I’m choosing to embrace. What about you?

Filed Under a mess 35 Comments

the art of play

November 21, 2010

t isn’t a new thing, but something about it evokes deep emotion in me. When I first saw the dancing bride and groom last year, the tears surprised me. They were all just so . . . happy. Things were exactly as they should be. And every time I’ve seen it since, I cry. I thought it was because it was a wedding. I always cry at weddings.But then the anchors and producers at The Today Show made a video to I Gotta Feeling. They copied the college students who did it last year. That one didn’t really affect me. But when the Today Show did it at their workplace with Matt Lauer and Jenna Bush Hager and everyone? (PS her part is my favorite I know that we’ll have a ball…) I made it until they went outside, and then I almost had to leave the room for the tears. Is it just me?

Filed Under a girl, a mess 44 Comments

everybody’s talking about stuff

September 17, 2010

I am a sentimental stuff holder-onto-er. I attach value to inanimate objects, much more value than I should. And it’s kind of embarrassing to admit the twinge of fear I have in this process of going through and letting go.

This summer while the kids were with my parents, I cleaned out the playroom and got rid of two van-loads of things. The women at the donation place asked me if my kids knew I was getting rid of their stuff. Heavens no. When they got home, they didn’t miss one single thing. In fact, they thanked me for cleaning. (!!!)

On October 2, my sister, my mom and I are having a yard sale. Kimba and my sister have both posted about their stuff recently. In fact, my sister had so much interest in some of the things she’s selling that she decided to put a few things on e-bay. They aren’t just any few things. They are Vintage Nesting Place things. But all of her other things will be at the sale. Several SUV loads of things.

We do yard sales almost every year, and when they’re over, I always swear and promise and vow I will never do one again. But there is just enough time in between them that I forget the pain and only remember the good parts. Kind of like having a kid.

This year, I’m not just selling the junk. I mean, I’m selling the junk, but I’m also selling more than just the junk. I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff, about the things I have and the things I love. I have a lot more things than I love, but I also love a lot of the things I have. So this year, I’m selling the things I don’t want, but I’m also selling some of the things I love-ish. It was painful at first, to go through some of the twins baby clothes, to pull out that cute skirt I bought in Spain (but haven’t worn in four years), to realize I have 4 too many apothecary jars, to let go of the clock that I love but have no place to put. So I took my sister’s advice: just price it and put in the yard sale pile. Then see how you feel.

And you know what? I feel good. I thought I would go back out to the garage and pull out things to bring back in the house. But I haven’t and I don’t think I will. This lightness breeds a longing for less. I think I could get used to it.

If you are local-ish, the bi-annual neighborhood yard sale will be at my parent’s house in Lake Park.

Not that you need more stuff, but you know what they say about one man’s trash.

Filed Under a house-lover, a mess 41 Comments

she speaks

July 29, 2010

I have spent the last week cleaning my house like a woman gone mad. Evidently while I have been busy with my nose in my laptop over the past seven months, the toys in this house have been silently staging a takeover. Seriously, where did all this stuff come from? I open a drawer and Barbies and Pollys pop out with their bendy arms and scraggly hair and All. Those. Shoes. Needless to say, there has been a lot of organizing going on, and I couldn’t be more content.

In other news, I have arrived in Charlotte for the She Speaks conference, the sweet place where this whole thing began. I’ve been going over my notes for my session, trying to remember everything I will surely forget. The nerves are waiting giddy just beneath the surface. I’m trying to keep them calm, but every now and then they burst up and turn my stomach. It helps to remind myself that the women attending my session will be lovely and gracious. I know that because the women who attend She Speaks are always lovely and gracious. Here’s to hoping there wasn’t an influx of un-lovely, un-gracious registrants this year.

Filed Under a mess 32 Comments