the magic of light

We have a dog who ate the couch so now we have an empty-ish sunroom. He can’t reach the twinkle lights, so even though it’s kind of dorm room-y to nail lights to the walls and probably breaks every real-person decorating rule, I’m keeping them up because I like the way the room glows at night when they’re on. And I like how the soft light brings a little bit of magic to an otherwise empty room.

Light fills up the empty in ways perhaps nothing else can. To borrow the phrase from Christa Wells, it makes emptiness sing. I recently downloaded all 1,633 photos from my phone onto my computer. As I scrolled through every phone photo I have taken over the past year, I started to notice a pattern of light.

I chase light. I can’t not take pictures of the light. Be it a candle or a moon or a full-blown out sun, light is addictive. In the same way music inspires my writing, light inspires my photography. I think most people who enjoy taking photos would say something similar to that. It’s hard to capture light, impossible to hold it, freeze it, define it. Instead we mostly have to settle for capturing what light does. Like God, light warms and fills and lifts, even in the darkest hours. Especially in the darkest hours. It’s no wonder God is called the Father of the heavenly lights, that even the darkness is as light to Him. He named light and His name is Light.

I think of those tiny dots of light in my sunroom, and realize sometimes it’s embarrassing to talk about the things that inspire us. That’s foolish, they might say, stringing lights on your grown up walls. Who do you think you are, talking about inspiration anyway? Why do you need to be inspired? So we shy away from those little things that bring us joy and trade them in for things that are a bit more acceptable. Like a lamp.

Don’t let the judgments of the invisible people snuff out your inspiration. Beautiful things make the ugly a bit more bearable. Think of that evening you were driving home from work, weary from the dust of it. And through the trees to the left you saw the the swollen circle of an orange moon following your car like a magnet. She hung there in the sky, low and glowing, reminding you that even after that most difficult day, you are seen by the God who made you.

Think of his eyes by the light of the fire, of the candles that burned down low during dinner, of the patch of light on the living room floor that moves slow while you fold the towels. Think of the sun sliding graceful through a seasonal sky, reflecting off water and windows and snow. Embrace the small gifts that show up in your days, carrying joy in their tiny hands.

Much of the chatting at the sky that goes on here is because of the small gifts that inspire beauty. And so I’ve made a place for us where music has color, light holds magic, and words paint the world with grace. What are the little things that bring you joy and inspiration?

we don’t want your obligation

There is a covert bully who has launched a full-out attack on you. You don’t notice him because he disguises his voice with one that sounds like your mother, your friends, your co-workers, you. He pushes you around in guilt and fear and you listen like a robot, doing things you don’t want to do.

The bully is Should, and it’s time to slay him dead.

How many hours have you wasted worrying about things you should be doing? How many harsh words have you spoken, not against injustice, but because you were frustrated over not living up to an expectation? Do you really want to color-code your closets or do you just think you should? Did you really want to hand-make those Valentine’s cards? Do you really want to cook a five-course meal for your in-laws? Do you really want to finish those baby books? Do you really want to clean the grout with a toothbrush?

Does this mean we don’t have to clean our house? Go to the dentist? Grocery shop? Are we being selfish if we think about what we truly desire? We have learned that being a grown up is simply learning how to be okay with shoulding on ourselves. When we were kids we naturally knew how to follow desire but now that we’re grown, we have learned to fill our days with responsibilities that we don’t like. But that’s life! you say.

Really? Because the Bible says life is Jesus.

And Jesus, who is life, says this about life: I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

So what about the illness of loved ones, the disabilites of our children, the disparity in the world? There are so many difficult situations and heartache in the world around us, people who need our hands, our commitments, our love. So why do we insist on killing desire slowly by volunteering for committees we care nothing about?

Save the passion for the people. Save the serious for the things that truly move you. Sit heavy on your hands and raise them only for those things you can’t not step up for.

Duty is much more efficient. It is linear, easy to make a case for, quick to convince. Desire takes risk, time, discovery, curiosity. There is no formula, no proven results, no guarantees. Desire is desperately inefficient. And so is love.

You are loved. You have been given love. Love lives in you. Instead of listening to Should, let love move you with grace and intention into the world. As Thomas Hart says in Art of Christian Listening, “Wants are mine; shoulds are somebody else’s.” Care enough for the people in your life to choose those things that make you come alive. Take time to figure them out. Let the Lord speak. Let your heart speak. Let your life speak.

What would happen if we were brave enough to listen to our own desire? What if it was God’s idea from the very beginning to give you particular desires for particular things to fill a particular purpose? What if ignoring the voice of your desire is actually ignoring the voice of God?

what to do with crazy ideas

“To me this award means a lot because it shows that the human element of making music is what’s most important. It’s not about being perfect, it’s not about sounding absolutely correct, it’s not about what goes on in the computer. It’s about what goes on in [your head] and what goes on in [your heart].”

- Dave Grohl, after Foo Fighters won a Grammy for Best Rock Performance

Well, that’s easy to say while you’re holding a Grammy. Still, he’s right. With the exception of Adele, nobody performed perfectly at the Grammys last night. Perfect wasn’t what got them there. But there they were, in all their imperfect glory, at the Grammys. Performing. I watched the red carpet pre-show, too. (I have a cold. The Man took the kids to dinner. I was alone and in control of the remote). On the red carpet, an interviewer asked someone (The Civil Wars maybe? The faces are fuzzy. Gracious, I could never be a journalist) what their secret is. Their answer? We just keep chasing our craziest ideas.

Crazy ideas don’t always mean a ticket to the Grammys. But maybe tickets to the Grammys only come to those who first chased a crazy idea. Same goes for the Oscar winner, the moon-walker, the airplane-flier, the actor president, the single mom with a little book about a boy wizard named Harry. And then there was the pregnant virgin, the shepherd king, the baby Savior, the clear water turning merlot red while the guests laughed and danced into the night.

And then there is you. What is your moon, your airplane, your boy-wizard book? What is your brave lyric, your odd first chapter, your new business motto? What is your crazy idea? No, not your perfect idea. Not your logical, well-planned, power-pointed practical idea. There’s a place for those, too. But lots of times the most logical ideas start out crazy. What is your crazy idea and what should you do with it?

Maybe you should chase it.

when you want to be known. ish.

When I was in the fourth grade, my family moved six hours away from my Indiana hometown. I started out as the shy girl and kept to myself. But in our new home in Iowa during the summer of 1988, shy got me nowhere. I quickly made friends with Jessica across the street and Sarah on the corner by being fun and happy. Accommodating. Pleasant. Able to blend. I was a human chameleon, and I didn’t even know it. I continued with that way of coping for many years. I didn’t realize I was coping; I just thought it was me. I’m laid-back. Things don’t bother me. I’m easy to get along with.

And I was, until I got hurt. And when I got hurt, rather than facing the hurt and being honest about the fact that it was there, I hid the hurt and hoped it would fade away. Instead, it seeped into my skin and came out in other ugly ways: passivity, disconnectedness, anger. I didn’t know how to share the hurt. And so it festered, I hid, and the mask got tighter.

Hiding behind fine isn’t always an indicator of fear or insecurity. Sometimes it just takes too much energy to be authentic. I want to turn my emotions off, put my hurt up on the shelf, set the glaze in my eyes and the half-smile on my face. Not necessarily because it feels safer, but because it’s just easier. And just like people who struggle with emotional eating or excessive exercise or any other type of addiction, I recognize my addiction to wanting to be left alone. I am addicted to the island of myself.

I remember listening to Brene Brown give a keynote speech at a conference last year, and she made a memorable distinction between being vulnerable and being intimate. I don’t believe we have to be honest and tell everyone how we are doing, the intimate details of the state of our hearts. But might we dare to be honest before God, to trust that he is wise enough and loving enough and intuitive enough to usher us into being vulnerable with certain people?

I recently thought more about these things as I wandered through the empty, brick streets of Seaside, FL. I share more about this at (in)courage this morning. Join me there?

Portions of this post are revised excerpts from Chapter 4 of my book, Grace for the Good Girl. You can read the first chapter here or  for the lowest price I can find right now, you can purchase the book for $9.99 at CBD. It is also available on Amazon, or at your local Barnes and Noble, Family Christian, or Lifeway bookstore. If you’ve already read the book, (or even if you haven’t) I would love to hear your thoughts or stories on this struggle between being intimate and being vulnerable.

when the critic speaks

There is a critical voice that speaks to you, maybe even right now. You may not notice because you’re so used to it, but most of us can pin it down if we pay attention. Sometimes it’s a voice that sounds eerily like our own. Other times we are blessed to have our critics speak out loud and in our face. Oh look, she’s being sarcastic – said those of us with critics are blessed. No sarcasm here, friend. Because something happens when the critic speaks up, something that perhaps can’t happen any other way.

When the critic speaks — dismissing our art, narrowing eyes at our carefully thought-through choices, misunderstanding our intent — he reminds us of all the reasons we were afraid to move in the first place. And for a bit, we are paralyzed by the fear of ever moving again. One wrong move, and they could start pointing.

It isn’t a thicker skin that I need. Don’t paint me word pictures of wet-backed ducks, water rolling off feathers. Don’t  give me a lecture on sticks and stones. The words of the critic sting. And I want them to sting because the sting means I am alive, human, frail. I used to wish I were made stronger, tougher, more naturally resilient. But the critical voice is teaching me my humanness, and that is not a bad thing.

In fact (oh, the hilariousness of this!) the more I confess my frail humanity, the louder I hear the sound of another voice rising up in me, one that has some weight behind it. It is the voice of Hope, and I know it’s Jesus but sometimes I make Hope a girl because she just feels feminine to me. And she speaks with courage and a bit of a laugh. Because when those things we most fear will happen actually happen, we have a unique window of opportunity to take inventory of the battle field in the aftermath. And we look around, blink our eyes, listen to the quiet and think to ourselves, I am not dead. That did not kill me after all.

How could it? If I say I’m a believer (and I am) and if I believe the Bible is true (and I do), then I have already died to that old life, the one that gropes and clings to assurance and acceptance the world has to offer. And so if I have died with Christ and been raised to life in Him, how can I die again at the hands of the critic? What have I to fear if death is no longer a risk?

The critic carries gifts he never meant to bring, motivation he has no awareness of. The voice of the critic forces us to face our biggest fears, and in so doing, listen for the voice of God. If we dare to believe Him, if we dare to believe His dying and rising back up apply even in this, we can then be oddly, ironically, deliriously free.

“And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him.”

Romans 6:8-9, NLT

for when you’re not cut out for this

I hang up the phone and see I’m still shaking. That did not go well. More radio interviews line up every Monday in February. I’m not cut out for this. I try to distract myself with email and the laundry, but I can’t ignore my shaking hands and the sweat under my armpits, turning my pink shirt darker pink. Finally I sit, and try to reason it away. You’ve done countless interviews by now, why do you still get so nervous?

But I do and I wish I could talk myself out of it. The interview has been over for a full 15 minutes and I consider this blessed life I’m so thankful for but didn’t quite plan on, exactly. There’s no such thing as just a writer. You need to be a communicator in all aspects of the word – writing, speaking, sweat-less interviews. It makes me dizzy sometimes.

I’m not cut out for this. And even as I say it, as I say it, I hear the Lord whisper, No, you are not cut out. You have been placed in. He really said that, sure as the way I stumbled and uh’d my way through that interview. He reminded me I have been placed into Him. No, not cut out.

I am connected, sure, safe. If I’m looking to be cut out for something, confident on my own terms, standing on my own platform, unwilling to die? Life can be scary and tasks, daunting. God takes great delight in finding us in places where we don’t feel cut out to succeed. And that is where he sends his invitation of remembrance – that shaky, sweaty mess is a reminder that I am desperate to depend on a source other than myself. Success takes on a different shape there. It looks a lot like rest and feels a lot like freedom.

Have you found yourself in a role you don’t feel cut out for lately?

state of a life

We watched the State of the Union address last week, and when I say watched I mean it was on for 10 minutes and then I turned it to American Pickers. But it’s the end of January, a good time to think about the state of where things are right now. My sister did a State of the Nest post last week and I thought how much I enjoy when bloggers I read pull back the curtain a bit and let us in to see things we don’t normally see. Consider the curtain pulled.

I am on a fast road to becoming more of an introvert than I already was. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I filled up a whole book with my own talk and now anyone, from strangers to neighbors can walk into any Barnes and Noble in the country and read it or if it is just part of getting older. But I am slowly beginning to hold my cards closer to my chest as the years are rolling on by.

I’m not saying that’s a bad or good thing, I’m just saying it’s true. I’m thankful for the friends who know me well. I’m craving simple moments with my husband. Silence and solitude are top on my list of things that keep me sane. My neighbor told me about a book that I can’t wait to read – Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. The title alone gave me freedom. It just released last week and is in the top 5 on Amazon so maybe some of you have read it or at least heard of it?

Some other books I’m reading? I’m on the last chapter of One Thousand Gifts. I know it’s been out for a year but I’ve read it with slow, thoughtful intention and now I don’t want it to end. I finished Parker Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak, a small book about learning to listen to your own design as you consider vocation. I’m also reading Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. All of these books together are changing how I think in a good way. They are all hardcovers and I have taken the book jacket off all of them because I have a hate relationship with book jackets.

Here is my family last month. I have precious few photos of all of us together because I’m usually the one behind the camera. Our family albums are filled with my husband looking like a single dad – poor man raising all those children alone. I’m sure his wife was a lovely creature, God rest her soul. Lucky for me, my sister-in-law always insists I get in the pictures when she’s around so I have just enough photos to prove that I am, indeed, not dead or missing.

The twins are in second grade now, all loose teeth and long legs. Our son will start kindergarten in the fall and then a week after that they will all be driving and getting married because that is just the way things go. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

This spring I will be slash have been speaking at some events and retreats, perhaps adding to the introversion that is going on. The idea of standing on stages and talking makes me want to spend equal time hiding under tables, silent. But I am beginning to embrace the beauty and relevance of speaking out loud the messages that have come in the quiet. There is a different kind of aliveness that happens in those settings. It definitely keeps me dependent and small.

We are currently (as in, today) picking out covers for my second book, the one for teen girls. It is between two beautiful covers and I can’t choose so when I’m done with this post I’m going to print them out, put them both on my mantel, blindfold myself and pin the tail on the cover. I can’t wait to share the winner with you. It’s a great problem to have, two beautiful covers. It could easily be two awful covers and it isn’t. I really love Revell.

Speaking of mantel, remember my mantel before we moved in? Well there it is, in all it’s unpainted, dark paneling glory. I changed some things around this weekend. I took an hour and painted the wall of the mantel white and hung my black and white pictures.

Yes, that is the same house. If you are curious and haven’t been around here much, you can read more about how we knocked down the living room wall wall and painted the dark paneling. This mantel has been through a lot of change over the four years since we moved in. I predict more change in the future. But for now, we’ll let her rest.

I’m considering starting a little newsletter of sorts for anyone interested – just a free not-very-often update on the state of things. It will be a place to tell you of upcoming events, to share some things I may not share on the blog, to maybe offer downloadable photos, to perhaps ask for prayer. See I am very decisive on what this would be. With all the chattering email and other fun online-y things, I can’t imagine that would be something anyone would sign up for which is why I haven’t done it. But I am discovering sometimes I have things I want to tell you about but the blog doesn’t always seem like the best way to do it. Perhaps you have a better idea? I’m all ears. And that is not a joke about how much my ears stick out. Just so you know.

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