And I was, until I got hurt. And when I got hurt, rather than facing the hurt and being honest about the fact that it was there, I hid the hurt and hoped it would fade away. Instead, it seeped into my skin and came out in other ugly ways: passivity, disconnectedness, anger. I didn’t know how to share the hurt. And so it festered, I hid, and the mask got tighter.

Hiding behind fine isn’t always an indicator of fear or insecurity. Sometimes it just takes too much energy to be authentic. I want to turn my emotions off, put my hurt up on the shelf, set the glaze in my eyes and the half-smile on my face. Not necessarily because it feels safer, but because it’s just easier. And just like people who struggle with emotional eating or excessive exercise or any other type of addiction, I recognize my addiction to wanting to be left alone. I am addicted to the island of myself.

I remember listening to Brene Brown give a keynote speech at a conference last year, and she made a memorable distinction between being vulnerable and being intimate. I don’t believe we have to be honest and tell everyone how we are doing, the intimate details of the state of our hearts. But might we dare to be honest before God, to trust that he is wise enough and loving enough and intuitive enough to usher us into being vulnerable with certain people?

I recently thought more about these things as I wandered through the empty, brick streets of Seaside, FL. I share more about this at (in)courage this morning. Join me there?

Portions of this post are revised excerpts from Chapter 4 of my book, Grace for the Good Girl. You can read the first chapter here or  for the lowest price I can find right now, you can purchase the book for $9.99 at CBD. It is also available on Amazon, or at your local Barnes and Noble, Family Christian, or Lifeway bookstore. If you’ve already read the book, (or even if you haven’t) I would love to hear your thoughts or stories on this struggle between being intimate and being vulnerable.

One season of my life I spent as a sign language interpreter at a high school. I interpreted what the teacher said into sign language, and if the Deaf student had a question or a presentation, I was their voice. After a few years, I became the interpreter coordinator at a local university and it was my job to hire, fire, and schedule interpreters for all Deaf students on campus. I put in at least 40 hours of interpreting, advising, and scheduling during those years. That was my life. (Continue reading at (in)courage)…

Is this Christmas season filled with a heaviness you can’t shake? A loss you still can’t believe you feel? Empty hands you grasp desperately to fill? Whether this is your first Christmas without someone you love or the last Christmas before a big change, Grief doesn’t take off for the holidays. In fact, sometimes it seems he works over time. We’re having this conversation over at (in)courage today and I can’t help but notice the  hope and depth of insight coming through in the comments section. If you are walking a bit upside down this week, I want to invite you to join in the conversation and hopefully, be encouraged that you are not alone.

“Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith. Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease. Giant steps are another matter altogether: leaping across chasms in semidarkeness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the the valley of the shadow of death.”

Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (September 25)

A little more than two weeks ago, I logged into Skype and set up a call with Sara. For about 30 seconds, it was just the two of us – she on her bed in Iowa and me on the coast of South Carolina. I carried my laptop up the stairs to the deck of the beach house, the ocean wide and sparkling behind me. It was a beautiful day.

“It’s so beautiful!” she said, “and so are you! Look at you there…” She paused between the words, needing a breath just to finish that short sentence. I had never spoken with her before that, and I knew my friends who were with me were waiting for me to come back down so they could see her, too. I had a fleeting urge to carry that laptop back to my room and sit with her alone, just to know her and to hear her speak. Joy poured out from the screen and I didn’t expect it. I don’t know why I was surprised by it.

Sara has been sick for a very long time. Due to her illness, she has been homebound for years – even the outside air harmful to her. So she couldn’t come with us on our retreat – one of thousands of places Sara hasn’t been able to go. If anyone had grounds to choose sorrow or bitterness or anger or fear, Sara did.

But Sara chose joy.

And I will never forget her for that. Saturday night, Sara breathed out one last breath of this toxic earth air and breathed in the first sweet, clean, fresh air of heaven. She is free and healed. And she will be missed. Many have written about Sara – many who knew her much better than I did. I’m adding my small voice to the chorus this morning, celebrating her life and her final freedom.

Resort Rentals of Hilton Head Island generously provided beautiful beach front accommodations to enable us to plan and dream together. DaySpring took care of all the incidentals and meals for each of the bloggers. Special thanks to Jessica Gardo from the Hilton Head Island Chamber of Commerce for helping coordinate our trip and for going above and beyond every expectation. As you well know, my family and I have been coming to Hilton Head for over 10 years now, and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

May your weekend be filled with touchable friendship, warm togetherness, and deep, genuine laughter. May you set aside the worries, if only for a night, to enjoy the sounds of home and the gift of grace.

I stood next to Ann as I took this photo, and I barely heard as she whispered Look at all the creativity out here on this beach. This is the third time I’ve been here in as many months and every time is Lowcountry spun magic. I do love this place.

There are just under 30 of us here on the island this week. DaySpring and Hilton Head Island Chamber of Commerce are hosting the (in)courage bloggers for a long weekend of dreaming, praying, and planning for the (in)courage community. We’re also managing to squeeze in a few laughs and a couple of handfuls of really great food. And tonight at midnight EST, (in)courage has a fun surprise to share with all of you.

I wrote about the superpower every girl has over at (in)courage today — it’s a superpower we all have but don’t always use. But oh, if we would. We could change the world.

Not only that, we’re giving away a prize just for being honest, including a signed copy of Grace for the Good Girl. All you have to do to enter is visit bloom (in)courage and finish this sentence: “If I were to be really honest, ______.” Look forward to seeing you there.

I need chocolate like a cigarette, and I circle the house, desperate. I settle for stale chocolate chips, until I remember the dark chocolate I bought for the teacher birthdays . . . (more)