youth ministry | chatting at the sky

Do you mentor the next generation? Let’s meet.

January 5, 2012

Lately I’ve been getting several emails from those of you who have read Grace for the Good Girl and either say “I wish I had this book when I was in high school!” or are looking for something similar to read with the high school students you work with. Many of you already know GFTGG (my next book will have a shorter title, amen) was originally intended to be a high school book. Instead, my publisher asked if I could write it for women first and then have a teen/youth/student version a year later. (Does anyone else kind of hate the words teen/youth/young women?)

It can be a lonely road, walking through life with this next generation. They leave before you know if you’ve had any impact at all. My small group is in their junior year right now and I’m already grieving their graduation that is still a year and a half away.

I know many of you reading also work with students in some capacity and some of you are going at it alone without fellow adult leaders around. I would love to meet you and also make it easy for you to connect with one another. If you consider yourself a mentor to the next generation, might you be willing to link up below so we can find you? Here is what you can do:

Scroll to the bottom of this post and either link to your “About Me” page OR a post you’ve written about working with/loving on/pulling out your hair because of high school students (this post could be a past post or you could write a new one. I’m not picky.) The idea is so we can easily find you and quickly know what your role is. So in the links below, where it says “Name”, put in what your role is. For example “emily small group leader” or “emily the youth pastor wife” or “emily desperate for advice” or whatever. I’ll leave these links open for a week so you can have time to come back and add if you can’t do it today.

And in the meantime, here’s a video from a weekend I had with my small group at the lake a few weeks ago. It’s one minute long and it is random and ridiculous. Meanwhile, my book for these high school girls will release in September. I’ll keep you posted with the details.

And if you’re reading but don’t have a blog, feel free to leave a comment here. You may have a question or a need for curriculum or ideas – I may not have answers, but surely someone reading will. I know I’ve sprung a linky on you (sprung a linky?) so I don’t expect a ton of linkage. But would love to meet some of you!

for you who have those teenaged girls

June 16, 2011

I’m writing a book for the quiet girl who sits in the back, the loud girl who thinks she should be different, the leader who is afraid they’ll find out, and the girl who couldn’t do it as well as her sister. It’s for the daughter who just wants to please them, for the student who wants to do it right, for the friend who is always the sidekick, plain.

I’m writing a book for the good test-takers and the strict rule-makers. It’s for the athlete succeeding and competing, for the star. For the dancer and the painter and the daydream-maker, for the worried and the hurried and the sweet, smile-fakers. For the prom queen who cries in the bathroom, the artist ignoring the canvas, and the poet who never speaks up. For the girl who feels both too much and not enough.

For the rule-followers, the fear-wallowers, the messy and the misunderstood. It’s for the self-critic, the silent judge, and for those who feel invisible. I’m writing a book for them, for my high school aged friends, for the leaders, the gonna-be women, the someday mamas, the soon-to-be world-changers, and the today idea-makers — I’m writing a book and the writing is in full swing.

I look at the photos I took with my small group, these beautiful sixteen-year-old girls full of life and promise. I watch as they interact, question with their eyes, laugh ’til they cry. I think about the girls their age in the Philippines because I can’t help it. I struggle with words and concepts, I fight with myself over voice and perspective, I cry. And even though my first book hasn’t even released yet, my second book is nearly finished and this one is so important. Not because of what I have to say, but because of who it’s for.

These girls, their hearts, their minds, their future passes through our hands for such a short time. We do not have the final say in how their lives will go, the choices they will make, the direction they will take. But we do have a say, a small one. And we can pray for them on our knees and with full hearts because we must. And we can fight for their future with our invisible weapons of love and faith and arms full of grace. They are living in the midst of their past right now, the one they will always look back on and point to.

And so we, who have walked together into the muddy, disease infested waters of poverty and have delighted in the beauty of the everyday moments, we pray for our high school friends: for a hope-filled future, for a present dipped in grace, and for a past that will encourage and spur on, never haunt or hold back. Today, they are writing their regrets as well as their victories. May their stories to be written well and with great courage.

Did you have a girl in mind as you read this today? Share her with us, and tell us how we may pray for her.

And for you who are grown but still feels like all of this? Grace for the Good Girl is only $8.94 right now and is available for pre-order. And I will meet you there in its pages, because me too. See, there’s a book for everyone. (Amazon or Barnes & Noble).

from head to foot :: a giveaway

December 16, 2010

This is me and Annie from Annie Blogs. I mentioned her in my last post. How she wrote a book called From Head to Foot. How she basically wrote her heart down on paper so we can hold it in our hands. But I didn’t tell you how she loves high school girls like I do. And how she is one of the funniest people I know in real life. And how her book has reached straight through and pulled my insides out, even though it is written for girls younger than me. Because it reminds me of things I forgot I learned the first time around.

From Head to Foot: All of You Living All for Him is a devotional that reads like a memoir, written for high school and college aged girls. Annie has held nothing back. I cried half-way through page one, Chapter One. I laughed out loud on page 28. This book is so Annie. If you know her, you’ll know. And if you don’t know her, you will.

“When it came time to crown the queen, I almost fell over when they called my name. Me. Annie Downs. The ugly fat girl just won homecoming queen? I teared up and waved and hugged my daddy. I held the flowers and smiled for the newspaper photographer. And when I got home I cried. All by myself, lying on my bed, still wearing that heavy beaded dress. Because in my mind, I heard this: You won because everyone felt sorry for you. They voted for you because you are ugly, not pretty.“

-Annie Downs, From Head to Foot

She says out loud the lies we all think. And then she walks girls through what it means to replace those lies with truth. I know everyone who reads this will think she is talking directly to them, but secretly I know she’s talking to me. It reads like a conversation. A sweet, funny, honest, friendly, and interesting conversation. This is a great book to use in a small group setting or to read individually. You will want this book for the high school girl in your life. Really and truly.

Today, I have four copies of Annie’s book to giveaway!

Simply leave a comment below and tell us who you would like this book for. And it’s totally okay to say you want it for yourself. You do not have to have a blog or website to win. But be sure to leave your email address (seen only by me) so I can get in touch with you if you win. I’ll announce and notify the four winners on Saturday, December 18. Hope you win! After you enter, go say hi to Annie and give her a good ‘atta girl. This book writing business can be tough on the nerves!

Filed Under a reader, youth ministry 245 Comments

on grieving with those teenage girls

November 8, 2010

I sit with them in the homey living room, their eyes cast down toward the floor. I have no words because there are no words. And so it is quiet for a time.

A little over a week ago, a student in our community died in a skateboarding accident. I didn’t know him, but our students did. And tonight, as I gathered with my girls for our regular small group meeting, the few who knew him talked about him. They talked about how school is different now, how nobody sits in his seat in class, how counselors are available in the library, how they don’t like change.

They have questions they aren’t asking, and so do I. There are things that don’t make sense to them, or to me. And so we sit in the quiet for some more time. I read a verse from Psalm 34, and promise that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and I know it’s true. But that’s easy for me, with all my children, watching from a safe distance. But if I were his mama, it’s hard to say if I would let anyone get close to my broken heart.

And in the midst of all of that, in the midst of sitting there and listening to the few there who knew him talk a bit, do you know what I’m actually thinking? I’m actually worried about the fact that I don’t have answers, worried that maybe they think I should, worried about what I should say, and knowing there is nothing, really. At least nothing that will make it okay. And then, I feel ashamed for thinking of myself. Shame never takes a break, you know; not even for death.

I’ve heard other leaders who work with youth say similar things during times of grief: what should we do? say? how do we help these students? Grown ups don’t know how to deal with death any better than kids do. Maybe worse, actually, because we carry a burden of responsibility around grief, as if we should have something profound to say or some comfort to offer that will make a difference. To love them well, we have to release ourselves. If I’m looking at me, I can’t see them. And in times like this, they need to be seen, heard, and loved well.

Still, in this place I’ve made for soul breathing, things like this tend to knock the breath clear away. And the song by Regina Spektor comes to mind No one laughs at God in a hospital/No one laughs at God in a war. . . Because you can be apathetic about God for only so long. There comes a point where you have to decide what you believe, who you trust, where you’ll make your safe place. We have to do this for ourselves, sometimes by the minute, in order to have anything to offer those grieving teenage girls.

Filed Under youth ministry 33 Comments

on loving those teenage girls

August 30, 2010

As school starts back and I prepare to begin meeting weekly with my girls small group (now 10th graders!), I’ve been thinking about what it means to love them. I wish I could give a list of guaranteed ways to win the heart of a teenager, because I tend to be a glass-is-half-full type of person and that list is yellow and happy and sure.

But we all know there are no guarantees in matters of the heart. And maybe I have more questions than answers. My girls are only six, but I’ve been a mama long enough to know that six turns into sixteen all too quickly. After nearly 10 years in youth ministry, it seems like the issues are always the same between mamas and daughters, just dressed up in different clothes. It’s true that the Bible says she is to honor you as her mother. But are there ways to encourage that as her natural response rather than an external command?

It may be true that she is being too sensitive and too dramatic. But if you tell her that, it won’t help and it could hurt. I was too sensitive and too dramatic just last week. Or was it this morning? Their stuff may be minuscule in the scope of life, but it is their stuff. To respect her life-stage is to love her.

One of the biggest mistakes I make as a parent or as a small group leader is when I confuse her behavior with her identity. It is so important to encourage girls in their identity as individuals and in Christ rather than try to shame them into better behavior. It may be true that she is acting irresponsibly. But better to call the choice an irresponsible one or the behavior irresponsible rather than to say that she is irresponsible. The goal is to empower, not to shame.

Above all, remember what Love did. Even though he knew they would choose the wrong one, God still put two trees in the Garden. Because a choice with no opportunity for failure isn’t really a choice, is it?

That thought terrifies me. I want to give every opportunity for success. But I want to hang on without suffocating. I want to offer support without being pushy. Is it possible to lead or parent these girls without being motivated by fear?

When she isn’t listening or doesn’t seem to care, she hears more than we know and cares more than we think. She is just learning how to show it. She is asking if she is worth it. And oh, how you know that she is worth it. How you long to tell her so. She needs time, lots of time. She needs eye contact and gentle words and love poured out all over her.

She needs our faith, not our anxiety. She needs our love, not our fear. At the same time, she needs to see our weakness and then, she needs to watch what we do with it. How do you show love to the girls in your life?

The girls in these photos are two beautiful students from the youth group where The Man is a youth pastor.

Filed Under youth ministry 65 Comments

living on a tuesday

July 5, 2010

There is a time to live life and then there is a time to write about it. Lately, I’ve been doing some living and it has been nice. It makes the writing flow more quickly when the time for writing comes. I have taken a short break from the writing for a week or so to live a little, and it has been refreshing.These are some of the girls in my small group. That’s me, in the middle. They are rising 10th graders and I love them to bits and pieces. I am still learning them, the way they see God, the world, each other, and me. Because who am I kidding, I totally want them to like me. It’s funny how high school girls bring out my high school girl. They are smiles and youth and questions and silly all wrapped up into one beautifully dramatic package. They are gifts, each one.

Is there a person in your life who is a gift to you today? Is there a moment you would like to unwrap here with us? The guidelines for Tuesdays Unwrapped are here. In summary, link up with the permalink to your unwrapped post, or your link will be deleted. I would also ask, as a courtesy, that you would please link back here to Chatting at the Sky by either using the button or a text link somewhere in your post. Thank you.

Filed Under Tuesdays Unwrapped, youth ministry 20 Comments