Grace for the Good Girl :: Chapters 1 – 3

June 7, 2012

Welcome to the first official week of our loosely organized summer book club/discussion/read-along. Today we’ll be discussing Chapters 1 – 3 of Grace for the Good Girl. You may also wish to join us on Facebook where we’ll continue discussion in a closed group, for those who aren’t comfortable leaving their thoughts in the comments.

the first thing you need to know

Reading this book for some people can be a little like being lost on a desert island your whole life. But then you finally get your hands on a mirror and you’re all, Who is that person and why is she such a wreck?! The number one thing I want to say to you as we get started is this: be kind with yourself this week. The first half of the book can be hard to get through, especially if this is your first time confronting some of the exhausting ways you do life.

As you have read the first few chapters and are considering what part of you is in hiding and what part of you is just you, take heart. You do not have to figure this thing out. You are not a fragmented, pieced out pile of mish-mash parts. Resist the urge to categorize yourself into good, bad, or indifferent. Avoid the temptation to look at your life and hang on to some parts and throw out others.

I know it can be overwhelming – Am I hiding? Is this a mask? Is this really me? Who am I?! Might I make a suggestion? Instead of attempting to graph out those questions in your 3-ring binder or a bullet-point outline, would you be willing to take them and carry them around in your pocket? The old way of doing life is to take it with both hands and attempt to figure it out. But if the work Jesus did on the cross is as complete as we say we believe it is, then it has to be big enough for this, too.

Here’s the bottom line – You are complete, known, and found already. But you might not know it yet. And that is the reason why I wrote this book. Allow yourself to sit down on the inside as you read, to practice believing that even though things might feel a bit upside down, you are safe in Christ. You really are.

the 3 things I hear most often

Here’s the thing. There are many women who will never, ever connect with my book. They have struggles, but being a good girl isn’t one of them. I learned pretty early on that some women don’t get the good girl thing. I wish I was one of them.

But for the next eight weeks, I’m talking with women who do struggle in these ways, women who worry they are both too much and not enough, women who are tired of the try-hard life. Among us, there are a few things I hear a lot. I thought it might be interesting for you to know what they are.

1. “Have you been reading my journal?” Many women read parts of the introduction out loud to their husbands or friends because they think it describes them so well. This amazes me. This is proof that, even if I am indeed a crazy person, at least I am not crazy by myself.

2. “I’m 55 years old and …” This one always makes me smile big. I have been so surprised how many women start their emails off this way. Something about the 55-year-olds compels them to tell me their age, which I think is awesome. Maybe it’s because they didn’t expect to connect with the concepts in the book and are generally surprised when they do.

3. “I thought I was the only one.” Many women are simply relieved to finally have a name to put on that invisible expectation they have been living with their whole lives. I know I was relieved to finally have a way to talk about this stuff.

Two things a lot of you said last week when I introduced the series: 1) You are nervous. And 2) you have already read the book once but are looking forward to having a place to discuss it with others who get it. I’m happy to provide a bench for you to sit on together. In my experience, freedom and authority to resist fear comes more easily in community than when I’m on my own. And even though community with hands and feet and coffee is better, I hope some of you can find community here as well.

So welcome. As you read from Texas, Denmark, California, Australia, Italy, Virginia, Ohio, Canada, Switzerland, Iraq, South Carolina (and a special hello to my college roommate down in South Florida and her group of 17 who are going through the book together – I love you, Faith!) as well as so many other cities in the US and around the world. We’re glad you’re here.

because they’re people

Remember that Friends episode where Phoebe and Rachel go running through Central Park and Rachel gets embarrassed because Phoebe runs like a lunatic? Her arms flailed about and her legs look like frog legs and Rachel just didn’t want to be associated with Phoebe and all her elbows. When Phoebe confronts her and asks why she cares so much what people think, Rachel responds, “Because they’re people!“

And so it has gone for me.

“If you wonder what gives you the authority to define me, I will say it is because you exist.” page 17

This week we read chapters 1 – 3 where we explored the definition of the good girl as well as two places where she often hides: behind her performance and her good reputation. That quote, the one about you having the authority to define me? It isn’t true. But I wrote it in present tense on purpose, because when I’m listening to that good girl in my head, that statement feels true.

This reputation thing? It is a hard road to learn to release your reputation into the hands of God. Good girls aren’t often confronted with that. We have great reputations, right?! But what about when someone thinks something about you that isn’t true? Or what if they misunderstand something you did or said? Your character may be in tact but your image isn’t. And that is a place where good girls start to lose their Ever. Lovin. Minds.

Maybe it isn’t people-pleasing for you. Maybe it’s something really different, something not in the book but just as powerful. (We’ll talk about six more hiding places in the weeks to come.) No matter what it is, I’ll bet you one thing is for sure: it has everything to do with fear and not much to do with love.

Fear drives, pushing and shoving. But …

“God can do anything you know–far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”

Ephesians 3:20, Message

Fear pushes and shoves us around, but Love leads deeply and gently within us. As we continue to read this week, as you wrestle with those questions in your pocket, one question you can ask yourself that might help begin to tease out the answers is this: Am I being motivated by fear or by love?

You are a whole person. A whole, complete-in-Christ person. Fear pulls us apart. Love holds us together.

group discussion

Don’t try to strangle the good girl all at once. That’s just another form of the try-hard life, the very thing we want to release. Simply, read. Be open. Listen. Engage with others who are also reading, open, and listening. Lean hard into Jesus. Then, think about this question and answer in the comments if you feel comfortable.

What do you feel pushed around by? Others expectations? Your need to be needed? Your to-do list? People’s opinions? You can answer this question in the comments or on Facebook, or you can ask a question of your own. There is no wrong here – but I do want to kindly ask if you would resist the urge to preach at one another. Let’s connect, encourage, and seek to understand. But let’s never slap easy answers on difficult questions. I have to say that now before anyone has done it. I hope you understand what I mean. And also? This might be the longest post I’ve ever written. Amen.

7 things to do before next week:

  • Get a copy of the book. It’s never too late to join us. (Amazon, B&N, LifeWay, Family Christian).
  • Join the closed Facebook group where discussion is happening as we speak.
  • Sign up for the book club if you haven’t already. If you already subscribe to get my monthly newsletter, simply update your preferences to include the book club.
  • If you are on Twitter, we’ll use the hashtag #graceforthegoodgirl (unless you can tell me something shorter)
  • If you have blog, consider writing your own post on Thursdays and hosting discussion with your own readers. Scroll down to the bottom of this page and grab the book button for your post if you’d like.
  • Read chapters 4 – 6 for next week.
  • Be kind to yourself.

*

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Grace for the Good Girl :: Introduction

May 31, 2012

For the next eight Thursdays, I will be walking through Grace for the Good Girl more in-depth than I’ve done here before. If you haven’t signed up yet, you can do so here for free. Be sure to check the Book Club box. Every Thursday through June and July we’ll meet here to talk about what we’ve read. We’ll also have a closed Facebook group – I’ll tell you more about that at the end of the post.

This is an epic experiment for me. Seriously, you do not know how outside of my comfort zone this is. Hey y’all! Let me hijack my own blog for the better part of the summer and talk about me and my big self and my big book! I know that’s not really what it’s like. Let’s face it, I wrote the book so people would read it. If I can get out of my own head long enough, I remember this book has been used to change people’s lives. I have the emails to prove it. So I’m just going to ignore myself and carry on.

why the term good girl?

Since the first shadow of this book began to make its way across my heart in 2008, I have struggled with using the term good girl. The first problem with the term is that we aren’t girls, we’re women. But what many people don’t know is that this book was intended for high school girls to start with.

When I wrote the proposal, I used the term good girl freely, referring to teenagers. Even though it brought on a semi-resentful laugh from the high school girls I shared it with, they all agreed that it was the best term for the struggle.

When the proposal went to pub board, the editors at Revell (the publishing house who ended up buying my book) asked if I would be willing to write two books for them, first for adult women then later, for teen girls. They really believed this concept would resonate deeply among Christian women and they were right. So that’s what I did, but by the time I finally began to craft the book for adults, I was so deeply entrenched into the concept of the good girl that it stuck.

I couldn’t let it go.

I think the reason why it stuck is because for most of us, this struggle with our own desperate attempts at being good started when we were just girls. And that imaginary girl we always wished we were but could never quite live up to? Well, she kind of never went away.

The second problem with the term is this: good means something positive, right? I have always worried that people would think I was encouraging women to become the good girl, that the title would imply being the good girl was the goal. And the opposite is actually true. Not that I want to encourage women to become bad, rather I wanted to expose the underlying assumption a lot of us have about being Christians and being good.

When the book title was released, I received emails from a few women saying things like “I can’t wait to read your book to learn how to be more of a good girl.” And I died a little on the inside, right after my head exploded. Because that is exactly the opposite of my point.

So what do I mean by a good girl anyway? Obviously, I wrote a whole book to explain that. But before you read the whole book, for those who may not have seen this yet, here are six of my friends to tell you. In four minutes and forty-one seconds, they paint a pretty accurate picture of who the good girl is and their own personal struggles with her. (If you haven’t yet seen this video but are planning to join us for the book club, I highly encourage you to watch.)

It’s true, my name is Emily P. Freeman, and I’m a good girl. But that’s only half the story. Left to my own resources, the try-hard life is my default. But I’m not left to my own resources. And neither are you.

We won’t start our discussion of Chapters 1 – 3 until next week. For now, I just want to say welcome. When I get brave, I may post a video instead of a word post on one of these Thursdays. But I’m not brave yet, so there you go.

what to do next

Read a sample: Not sure you want to commit? You can read the first chapter of the book online right now to test it out.

Get the book: You can find it almost anywhere books are sold as well as some libraries, but if you don’t mind my saying, Barnes & Noble’s website makes it look the prettiest. Thank you B&N for having a clean website. (You can also go into an actual Barnes & Noble to find it. It looks pretty there, too).

Request to join the closed Facebook Group: It’s a closed group not to keep you out, but simply to honor many of you requesting we do it that way. Request to join and Jamie will approve you. If you aren’t on Facebook, no worries. You can put your comments right here on the blog and we’ll try to have some discussion that way. Loosely organized. Thank you for grace.

Find a friend or 8: The great thing about doing this on the blog is for those of you who don’t have a buddy to read with, there will be at least 500 buddies here online you can talk to. But if you have been wanting to grab your bestie and read something together, do it. She doesn’t have to sign up or be formal about it. You could even host your own discussion at the Starbucks that goes along with our schedule here. There is no wrong.

Write down the schedule: We will follow the chapter separations that are in the small group leader guide at the back of the book. The following dates are the posting dates of those chapters. For example, by June 7th you will have already finished chapters 1 – 3.

June 7 :: Chapters 1 – 3
June 14 :: Chapters 4 – 6
June 21 :: Chapters 7 – 9
June 28 :: Chapter 10
July 5 :: Chapters 11 – 12
July 12 :: Chapters 13 – 14
July 19 :: Chapters 15 – 16
July 26 :: Chapters 17 – 18

I’ve probably missed something. I’m not super logistical. But here we are, moving ahead anyway. I know many of you area already regular readers of Chatting at the Sky. Still, if you plan to join us, I would love to have you introduce yourself in the comments – what city, state, or country are you reading from? What are you hoping for in this time we’ll have together? I can’t wait to get started.

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why sinking is the only way to float

May 29, 2012

She is our first-born (by three minutes) and we put Grace in her name, right in the middle. It’s a word I spent many years circling around with eyes narrowed and arms crossed, a word I thought I understood. But that was back when I knew everything.

Those early days of walking confidently up to grace when I thought I had it figured out come back to me this morning. I shake my head, feel my cheeks grow warm. I have so much to learn. This grace that comes from the hand of God, this grace that is God, is not just a thing to be figured out or a theology to be dissected.

We put grace up on our two-pan balance scale and try to come up with something that will balance it out on the other side. But grace wins every time, stays heavy on the right, sinks hard into the middle of my good intentions and mixed-motives. Grace doesn’t budge no matter what I come up with.

To write anything about God and the gospel feels presumptuous. What could I possibly say? I tip-toe up to grace now, head bowed down low, eyes  stinging, hands open. Sometimes I think we make it all a bit complicated. We have our degrees and our affiliations and we intellectualize our points. There is a place for that, there is. I don’t normally feel comfortable sitting there, though.

Small is fast becoming my new home. Sometimes it hurts to be small. We work so hard to be big, and sometimes we catch a glimpse of it. If they don’t see how big we are? Then we must become bigger. There are many rights I think I have and I hold them with both hands.

But Jesus came down. Became poor. Became less. Became small.

While I was in California a short time ago, it was an honor to sit down with Charles Morris of Haven Today to talk about grace. Just saying that speeds up my heart, because what could I possibly have to say? But we all have a story to tell and it’s one that ultimately isn’t about us.

We sink heavy into our own smallness, and it’s in that place where we lose our life. And also find it. If you would like to listen in while you fold the towels or make the dinner or sort the mail that has come to your door, here is the link.

Since it’s part of her name, I think of grace every time I call her. Every time she lags behind, skins her knee, shouts at her brother, reads me her book, runs to the neighbor’s house – every place she is, there is grace. It fits there in the middle. It floats around her as she plays. I pray she grows to know that even though she will never fully understand what her name means, she will also never be able to escape it. And that is a gift.

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one thing I’ve wanted to do with you but haven’t yet

May 9, 2012

It has been over eight months since Grace for the Good Girl was released. During that time, I have had giveaways, shared the writing process, showed you videos, pictures, excerpts, excitement, and fear. But one think I haven’t done is actually spend time talking through the book with you.

I know lots of you have already read it, but I also know some of you maybe haven’t. Or maybe you’re in the middle of it but don’t have anyone to talk with it about.

I wanted to throw this out there – would any of you be interested in going through the book together this summer? Not a Bible study, really. More a loosely organized book club. I like the idea of having a an on-going summer conversation around the truths in this book. If you like that idea too, what would be the easiest format for you? I’m thinking of just posting here at Chatting at the Sky for 8 Fridays in the summer, but then that doesn’t lend itself to a lot of conversation except in the comments.

I could post here and then make a Facebook page for all interested in joining and we could discuss over there. If you are interested in joining in, say so in the comments and tell me your ideas about format. At this point I’m open to any and all suggestions.

Thank you to those of you who read and left a review of Scary Hope last week! Reviews really do help books and authors. I’ll send 5 of you a copy of my own book as a thank you: Heidi, Brooke, Janna, and Caroline – I’ve sent you an email. Anna, I would love to send you a book as well – email me at emilyatchattingattheskydotcom. Thanks! PS. My sister is still in Africa with Compassion – continue to follow there trip through the end of the week!

 

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Grace for the Good Girl :: $5!

February 22, 2012

So I’m browsing around the internets tonight and checked prices for my book. I do this sometimes, just to see if anyone is having a sale. And y’all. The jackpot. LifeWay has Grace for the Good Girl on sale for only $5. That’s almost 75% off! I had to share this great deal with you tonight because I don’t know how long it will last. I’m sure there is some awesome secret password internet handshake that most authors know to find out when and where their books will have sales. But I just bounce around to all the websites now and then to see what I can find. And also? I don’t think I’ve ever used a dollar sign or an exclamation point in a post title here at Chatting at the Sky. Records all around. Thank you for coming round here – it is always a gift to have you. And thank you LifeWay for the great sale!

Edited to add: I’ve been told that the sale will last until March 10. Thanks for the tip, Rachel from LifeWay!

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when you want to be known. ish.

February 6, 2012

When I was in the fourth grade, my family moved six hours away from my Indiana hometown. I started out as the shy girl and kept to myself. But in our new home in Iowa during the summer of 1988, shy got me nowhere. I quickly made friends with Jessica across the street and Sarah on the corner by being fun and happy. Accommodating. Pleasant. Able to blend. I was a human chameleon, and I didn’t even know it. I continued with that way of coping for many years. I didn’t realize I was coping; I just thought it was me. I’m laid-back. Things don’t bother me. I’m easy to get along with.

And I was, until I got hurt. And when I got hurt, rather than facing the hurt and being honest about the fact that it was there, I hid the hurt and hoped it would fade away. Instead, it seeped into my skin and came out in other ugly ways: passivity, disconnectedness, anger. I didn’t know how to share the hurt. And so it festered, I hid, and the mask got tighter.

Hiding behind fine isn’t always an indicator of fear or insecurity. Sometimes it just takes too much energy to be authentic. I want to turn my emotions off, put my hurt up on the shelf, set the glaze in my eyes and the half-smile on my face. Not necessarily because it feels safer, but because it’s just easier. And just like people who struggle with emotional eating or excessive exercise or any other type of addiction, I recognize my addiction to wanting to be left alone. I am addicted to the island of myself.

I remember listening to Brene Brown give a keynote speech at a conference last year, and she made a memorable distinction between being vulnerable and being intimate. I don’t believe we have to be honest and tell everyone how we are doing, the intimate details of the state of our hearts. But might we dare to be honest before God, to trust that he is wise enough and loving enough and intuitive enough to usher us into being vulnerable with certain people?

I recently thought more about these things as I wandered through the empty, brick streets of Seaside, FL. I share more about this at (in)courage this morning. Join me there?

Portions of this post are revised excerpts from Chapter 4 of my book, Grace for the Good Girl. You can read the first chapter here or  for the lowest price I can find right now, you can purchase the book for $9.99 at CBD. It is also available on Amazon, or at your local Barnes and Noble, Family Christian, or Lifeway bookstore. If you’ve already read the book, (or even if you haven’t) I would love to hear your thoughts or stories on this struggle between being intimate and being vulnerable.

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10 opportunities to be a graceful superhero

January 26, 2012

While driving in traffic.

When you’re right, but they don’t know it.

On your birthday.

In your area of expertise.

When you’re running late.

When they’re doing it wrong.

While pregnant.

When you’re overlooked.

When the telemarketer calls.

At the DMV.

I know that grace is far more than biting my tongue when I want to lash out, more than not saying mean things, more than tolerating someone who is intolerable, more than just being nice, more than a tight-lipped patience. Grace is extending more than what is deserved and that never starts with me. Because that? Is impossible.

If I really believe this grace changes everything, then the secret to a life transformed is simple – receive the grace given to you in abundance, then pour it out on everything. And it isn’t fake, this outpouring of grace in the midst of the impossible. Being a hypocrite is not acting contrary to how you feel. Being a hypocrite is acting contrary to who you are. In Christ, you are graceful. Even when you don’t feel like it.

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them — yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”

1 Corinthians 15:10


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good girls come full circle

November 7, 2011

The curtains in our bedroom are crumpled on the floor. The hardware gave way and shot slap out of the drywall. I tried to take it in stride, but standing there on a stool balancing one heavy-ended curtain rod while trying to get the other end to come out without scratching the ceiling, well. I cried a little. And clenched my fist tight like a toddler. Just one more thing not going right today.

I take close up photos of grass and plants and green living things because it helps me to remember to see. It is therapy to notice the beauty in the chaos of nature, to predict what happens next in the seasons even though each year it’s different, to believe in a God who holds everything in His hands.

I don’t like when things don’t go right mainly because I worship order and control a lot of the time. I want to do stuff right and to be right, not just as in having the right answer, but to have things go right by me. I put those curtains up in haste some time last year. And having them fall out of the wall is direct evidence of my domestic failure, like they’ve been waiting for me to have a bad day before they reveal their secrets about me.

I don’t really believe I’m a domestic failure. Not usually, anyway. But when the laundry piles and the baseboards stink and the curtains fall off the wall, the word failure comes to mind. I’ve circled around healing from my good girl ways for many years now, but there are still triggers that bring out the lies. And hearing them feels like finding a note from an ex-boyfriend. You aren’t attached to him anymore, but when you read the note suddenly you’re back there in college, standing in the middle of 15 years ago, feeling the sting of the break up. The feelings are real, but they are based on something that isn’t. Shadows. Remnants. Untruths. That’s what it’s like to hear a lie in your head.

We carry around those fragments of untruth with us everyday. And when things happen all in a row, it dislodges the crazy and even though we know the truth, the lie feels more true at the time. We have to choose what we’ll believe, then. It doesn’t feel very romantic or mystical to say it that way, choose what you’ll believe. But I do believe we have a choice, even when it all goes wrong.

I recently talked a bit about that choice with the women from Full Circle in Canada. I can’t embed the video here, but here’s a peek.

Here is a link to the interview if you’d like to watch. (This is a link to the entire program. Interview begins at 6:41. Ish). Would love to hear from you this morning – can you identify any triggers in your life that cause your crazy to come out?

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the deeper story

September 21, 2011

Today I’m writing at A Deeper Story. When I was in high school, that kind of blog would have scared and intimidated me. Deeper Story? Your deeper stories might be scandalous, heartbreaking, dark and brooding. I couldn’t relate with them, didn’t understand them, and generally wanted to pretend they didn’t exist. Back then, your deeper stories highlighted the fact that I didn’t think I had one. Continue reading at A Deeper Story and enter to win a book on the last stop on the blog tour…

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why the p?

September 19, 2011

One day, I decided to write a book. So I did and then, someone decided to publish it. (Don’t you love how easy that all sounds? Carry on). So we had this book and I realized how wonderful it was that I married a man who had the last name Freeman. Because isn’t that nice? Freeman? And my book is all about living free. How great, right?

As it turns out, I’m not the first Emily Freeman who decided to write a book that someone decided to publish. In fact, the first Emily Freeman has a lot of books. I have one book. And so, it was decided that in order to differenciate between her lot-of-books and my one book, I would need to include my middle initial on my book. The p was born.

Rewind twenty years to the bedroom my sister and I shared together. We had lots of pet peeves like walking barefooted on wood and burping in public and using spoons. We dislike spoons. Have I not mentioned that here before? No?

Well, you see, when you use a spoon on something for which a spoon was not meant, there leaves behind a thin trail of … film. Yes, film. (insert barf noise).

Like, for example, when you order a cake-type item at a restaurant. They clear the table of all dinner-type things (goodbye, my lovely fork!) and bring out the dreaded spoon. And you take your first cake-bite and behold and lo, there is film on your spoon.

Now before you get all hyper in the comments, yes we use spoons for cereal and soup. And also ice cream, although if we could manage it, we would use a fork for that too.

Anyhow, there are silly things that  still are used to be peevish to us, and one of them is spoons. Another? Words that begin with the letter P. You know the ones: pimple, peruse, perforated, perfunctory, other words that I’m not sure I want to say on my blog, purse, pregnant, period. You get the idea. Still, I don’t mind my middle name but it does begin with a P. And that is somewhat unfortunate, but that is why there’s a P on my book.

If you can guess what the P stands for, I’ll totally send you a book. With a P on it. Because it’s all I’ve got to give is why. Or if you’ve got a super strange and quirky thing like a dislike of spoons, I want to hear about that too, because that’s just fun.

The photos are from the book party my mom and sister hosted for me, for friends, the book (and the P) this weekend at her house. Visit her place to see more! I’ve also posted them all to Facebook.

Update :: Thanks for playing! The winners have been announced. But I’d still love to hear about those pet peeves because those? Are hilarious.

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